Hi there, I have never posted on a forum in my life. I just feel I need to express myself and see if there is anyone out there who feels the same way I do. I am gay, I'm a lesbian. I'm 28 years old. I'm half Australian, half African. I have a girlfriend of 3 years. She is a white australian. I grew up without a father around. My mum is australian. I have only ever had white friends and family around me. My whole life I have felt like I don't quite for in anywhere. Only recently I'd I decide to connect with my African family only dad's side. They are very religious and homophobic. I feel that over this last year I have had an epiphany of some description. I see the world so differently now but it's becoming unbearable. I see micro aggressive racism everywhere. I realise my whole life I have tried to please people, to make them like me even though I'm Black. I have had to try that bit harder than most to be accepted. I've made jokes about my own skin colour to make white people laugh. It sickens me now. I have had to be that bit more intelligent than my friends to Prove to people, that I am not less than them because I'm black. I have spent my life watching tv shows about straight white people not caring that it does not represent who I am. And now I'm angry. I am also gay, a double minority. I don't fit in with my African family because of this. I feel Like I belong nowhere. I want to connect with anyone out there who has ever felt the same? How did you make peace with this? I don't resent white people at all, I just resent the fact I have spent too much time trying to almost "be white". I feel like living in this world is becoming too hard for me. I'm not suicidal or anything I just am at a loss. All of you feel what it's like to be a minority. To NOt be able to open a book or watch tv or listen to the radio without heteronormativity being displayed everywhere. To not have characters you can relate to unless you're straight and white. I know it's a reality but I really struggle lately...because I'm mad at myself for overcompensating my whole life and trying to be accepted by white straight people. I've overcompensated A LOT because I have mostly white straight friends. It's killing my mind. Where can I connect with people who may feel the same.
Hello there! Welcome to EC! I'm sorry to hear that you have to prove to people your not dumb because your black. I hate people like that. I'm white and have had many black friends in the past and I feel sorry for you because of what you are going through. I'm sure you'll find someone here that can help you and assist you. Kind regards, Creator.
Hello. I am 30, male, black, and gay. My family is religious on both my mom and dad's side. I grew up around and went to primarily white schools. My best friends are white. I connect more with white culture than the black culture around me. In many of my social circles, I am the only black person in the group. Growing up I felt a lot of what you describe. I've went along with jokes that were at the expense of my own people. I've felt the need to assimilate into white culture in order to be accepted. I've bent over backwards to show how I'm not like "those other black guys", while also defending an entire social group since I'm the only black guy they knew. That drive to be that much smarter, that much faster, that much better, to overcome an aspect of myself that I can't change is very real. I'm not proud of the moments where I sacrificed who I was to fit in with a group who didn't accept me. I'm not proud of the friends I've alienated by separating myself as they acted "too black" around my white friends. But I'm a better person now. Those people weren't really my friends; I was just an accessory to them. A way for them to continue to be racist and bigoted because they "have a black friend" like that makes it better. I'm glad I left that Uncle Tom behavior in my childhood. What I learned is that the most important thing to be is yourself. If what you like tends to surround yourself with more people who are NOT of your race, that's okay. Be your authentic self, find the things that you love, and surround yourself with people that love YOU and not just your race or your "whiteness". I don't put up with racist jokes and I don't keep friends who do. And although it is difficult to date at times, I don't put up with those who dismiss me just because of my race. If you don't like this part of me, then you don't like me, no exceptions. I don't know if my words are helpful. I guess I just wanted to share my story as I can definitely relate to the the pain, anger, and frustration in yours. But just remember that you're not alone and there are others like you.
