Hi everybody. I've been coming on this site for a while but I just decided to become a member. I just really need some help. let me introduce myself im a 16 year old guy and I live in New Orleans. I'm gay but not out to anyone. I've always been a guy who goes from really happy to really sad just like that. Maybe it comes with being a gay teenager.... It fucking sucks. So sadness is something I've become accustomed to But I've never been this depressed. Don't worry I'm not suicidal. Although I do just feel like shit all the time. I guess I came on here hoping that somebody would just listen to me, give me advice, just help in general especially someone who's been in my position. But here in the Deep South that's hard to come by. It's just been so long since I've felt happy for any extended period of time. So please if you feel like reading my story (which is kinda long) and offering anything helpful I would really really appreciate it. I don't even really know where to start. I guess I'll start with the last time I was really happy. It was the end of summer before my sophomore year. And it had honestly been one of the best summers of my life. I'd gotten to be friend with a ton of different people and I was apart of this group that was just genuinely fun about six guys and six girls. I'd grown up with a couple of the girls and one of the guys. Others I met that summer and just got to be good friends with them. But gradually through the summer some of the guys and girls started getting together. I was also apart of another group of friends this one was five other guys at my school. They're all awesome guys. Two of them are really hot:icon_redf. But anyway sophomore year started and things were good still. But by Christmas time all of the relationships in the first group had basically gone south and all the girls ended up hating each other so I basically ended up losing touch with all of them:icon_sad: I was the only guy that hadn't gotten with one of the girl (I wonder why) and so I was always trying to hang out with them... Any of them but they all basically moved on from that group entirely. I guess I reminded them of that summer. So basically I was left with the all guy group. Which I inevibly became really close to all of them.anyway one of the guys lets call him C went through a big break up and he and another guy in the group B, started smoking pot a lot, so most times we all hung out (which was almost every weekend) c and b would get high and the rest of us would. Just kinda babysit them but we enjoyed it. It was something new to us. Soon after that my best friend W and the two hot friend P and N started drinking when we all hung out. I who had made a pact with myself to stay sober through high school did not and was left the lone babysitter. But then towards March they all got girlfriends and we hung out so much less. But the next time we all hung out I decided I was sick of just watching so I decided to drink with them. And it was really fun that night. We swam and ate a ton of food and had deep talks that nobody remembered in the morning. After that night we didn't hang out much for a while cause they were all with their girlfriends. But every time we did hang out i drank a shit ton. I've always wanted to come out to them but I'm too afraid I'll lose them. Especially N (one of the hot ones) because I've had a huge crush on him for like a year. He's sexy and so smart and one of the nicest guys I've ever met and honestly he's got one of the nicest buts I've ever seen. I try not to think of him sexually cause he's one of my best friend. Whenever he changes in front of me I get so hard and have to turn around and I blush and I'm anxious and awkward and he notices. I think he might be able to tell that I'm gay. He's honestly twice as smart as the others. Smarter than I am for sure. He's been able to pick up on the little things that I do or say and put them together. He's never confronted me about it but im90% sure he knows. i think he started to catch on when I started drinking a lot cause I would always hit on him and grab his fucking sexy ass. And he'd just laugh and be nothing but nice to me. Which makes me like him even more but one time we were in the same bed (I was drunk) and we were talking and I just put my hand(like a fucking idiot) on his lower abdomen like an inch away from his cock. And he grabbed my hand and moved it and said. "Woah there dude chill out" and he was kinda silent the rest of the night and I really regretted it on the morning. Back to the rest of the group eventually we started hanging out less and less and it got me really sad especially cause I wasn't seeing N who I hate myself for loving. So when I was just by myself on the weekends I started stealing my parents liquor and drinking alone. At first it was once a month then more then like once or twice a week. It just made me forget how lonely I was. so this led to me being depressed hungover and in need of friends and somebody to love that wasn't straight throughout the school days. My days went from As to low c's. I just didn't give two fucks about school. I would just feel lonely all the time. Cause I barely saw my friends. And then I would think about how there's people in third world country's dying of starvation and I dare pity myself? I dare feel unloved? That only made me feel worse the drinking increased. I think I'm like bipolar or something. I stopped trying at school entirely. I read a lot of books and drank a lot of liquor. I read all thought the school day get the fuck out of here and read about better people in better places. I'd go through three or four books a week. and when I got home I'd drink. Now it's summer again and I've cut back on the drinking.but I feel like I'm caught in this vicious cycle. When I'm not with my friends I feel lonely and sad but when I'm with my friends I feel like shit because I have a crush on N. And I don't want to but I can't help it he's so kind and sexy. But I feel most depressed a lot of times because I'm gay and I grew up in a Christian household and I was always strong in my faith but now I feel like I'm being torn between my sexuality and my faith and alcohol. And I just feel like a fucking mess please help me. And sorry this was so long if you made it to the end and offer help I don't know How to thank you
hey jacko. i was raised in a christian household which took a lot to break away from. i've also got a severe drinking problem. i know what it feels like when you're lost for options except reaching for a bottle. you're obviously aware that this isn't healthy which puts you in a better position than a lot of alcoholics, who can end up drinking for decades before they address their addiction. have you done any reading into alcohol addiction? alcohol is a depressant so it can exacerbate symptoms of depression and anxiety, despite the short term alleviation. i'd highly recommend getting in contact with some local addiction services because this isn't something you want to dismiss - it can take hold very quickly and become very difficult to break out of, and when you set up a cycle of using a substance as a coping method, especially from a young age, the patterns it ingrains become habitual so it feels impossible to deal with anything without the substance. you sound like you're really struggling. it's a horrible situation to be in. i was really into the faith as a child and while i'm no longer religious, it's a fallacy that your sexuality should clash with your faith. you can choose your own way of being christian; loving god is a personal journey and anything that dictates to you that you are in any way evil for accepting who you are should be discarded. why would you want to follow a god who rejects you for something you can't change? a lot of the bible is translated subjectively.
Thank you so much asphalt. I felt a lot less lonely after reading this knowing that I'm not the only one. Thank you so so so much for your reply I really needed that.
Hello and welcome to ec! I hope you enjoy your time here and that you're able to make new friends who will both advise and support you. Best of luck and if you ever need a friend don't hesitate to contact me
sure thing. don't think regular members can send PMs but if you need to chat about this any time hit up my wall. i've gone through so much of the same crap you're talking about.
Hi there. I'm new here as well. It was really interesting to read about your life. It was very sad, but so interesting because you are surrounded by so many people. I hope you find a close companion soon and don't let any more of those beautiful friends break your heart again. Time can pass so easily. Best wishes or flowers & kisses, or what one might say
Hi Jacko. I know the feeling of someone who's lonely because nobody knows about you being gay. I'm in the same boat. I get depressed all the time--I can't talk about my feelings to anyone, I can't express myself the way I want to, and keeping relationships is getting harder by the day because I don't want to be to close to people because they might figure me out. I am not out except to one person, my best friend in college who's also a closeted gay. After our break-up, I get lonely a lot. I've had bouts of depression and my life really suffered from it. I started flunking subjects and dropping lots of courses. I ended up losing my scholarship in college and had to work just to get by. Thinking back, working did help a lot to keep my mind preoccupied. I'm now 27 and in politics. Whenever I feel depressed about my hiding in the closet, I grab my shoes and take a run. On weekends, I train at the gym for hours. I've met a lot of guys at the gym who are really hot but I always stop myself from crossing the line. It's really difficult but I remind myself that unless I'm resdy to come out, I need to keep my distance. All of us who are in the closet are all struggling. I'm glad I found this forum and hopefully I'd have friends here whom I can talk with, without the fear of being outed. I am still dreaming for the day when I finally get enough courage to come out to my family and friends. But for now, let's both hang tight and remember that things will be better. We just need to prepare ourselves for it while we bid our time.
