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Don't want to lie anymore.

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by dyinginside, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. dyinginside

    Regular Member

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    I'm not too good at social stuff...but here goes...

    I am 22 years old, female, and have basically lived my entire life a lie. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I don't know if, in my case, that plays a role in this or not. I grew up with my mother constantly reminding me that I was to marry a man, not a woman (it's actually one of the first conversations I remember us having). But I've been attracted to the same sex even before I knew what was happening. In elementary school I had crushes on female teachers who I would talk about enthusiastically.

    To this day I pretend to be interested in men. After I have sex with a male, I have to block it out in my mind. Something about a man touching me, or being near me physically, makes me sick physically and emotionally. The thought of a guy getting hard for me is something I can't even make myself think about. I'm confused about rather or not this relates to trauma, or if I was indeed born this way. I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

    I have a female best friend (and room mate, for now) who is the most open minded person I know but straight as an arrow. I am not sexually attracted to her in any way...I consider her to be a sister to me. But I'm terrified of telling her the truth because even if she accepts me, I fear that she'll think of me differently. Now we spend a lot of time talking about guys and guy extremieites ,we have been nude in front of each other too. I don't want to lose her as a supportive person in my life.

    I just want to find happiness. I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle of lies and fakeness. It's not just a sexual thing-I want to find a woman I can settle down with and I want children more than anything. I know that this is the same dilemma all LGBT people face but i wonder-In this day and age- shouldn't it be easier? With everything going for us, why have I felt the need to lie about who I am? I'm miserbale. Everytime I have to pretend. I just don't want to do this anymore...

    *Excuse any errors if my iPad autocorrects the wrong word
     
    #1 dyinginside, Jun 30, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2015
  2. Ashleigh16

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    Go for telling her first. If she's that open minded it probably won't change anything
     
  3. warthog

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    Hello and welcome to the forum !

    I'm new myself, and I think you'll find some good advice and nice people.

    Also, my own advice to you : Life is too short. tell your roommate, she already suspects anyway.
    Having someone to share the burden will help you a lot.
     
  4. C06122014

    C06122014 Guest

    Hello and welcome to Ec! :slight_smile:
    The people here are simply incredible and you are bound to make new friends here. Also I hope that you enjoy your time here!
    Best of luck and if you ever need a friend don't hesitate to contact me :slight_smile:
     
  5. Hey there! Hope this community works out for you. I understand bout the whole roommate thing. One of my biggest fears about coming out is that girl friends will think differently of me and feel awkward around me. Your roommate seems pretty laidback though. Hope things work out!
     
  6. happydavid

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