I can't believe I have the guts to create account and to post something. So much has happened to get me to this point, even this very early point though. This is my umpteenth try at posting. For years, since I was a teenager, I have been skulking around on the web, trolling porn sites, homoerotica, and being complete denial about the fact that I was attracted to men. I had never been romantically involved with anybody before I met the woman or become my wife. We met while we were in college, we had the same major. At the risk of this being one of the most pathetic story is you have ever read, she was my first. I learned how to make her happy I understood what it took physically, but I was completely in denial about a lot of things, including how at the risk of this being one of the most pathetic story is you have ever read, she was my first. I learned how to make her happy I understood what it took physically, but I was completely in denial about a lot of things, including how sad we mismatched we were. We have been told by doctors that we would have to work very hard to be able to have children, so we lived our lives not really paying much attention to it until we decided that we were going to be ready. Then we found out that my wife was almost 5 months pregnant because we were so scared, and so panic stricken because we didn't know if the baby was going to be healthy, and we have no idea what we were doing. We were both employed full-time and we were in our mid to late 20s so, we thought we could handle it. I think it was about the time my son turned a-year-old and my wife started to realize that I was taking on a lot of stress and frustration on her and my son but just didn't seem to be warranted by circumstance. I'm not sure that even she suspected how deep the closet that I really was, I am. She very much wanted to have more children and we do try again and had a miscarriage, which I can honestly say was far more horrific for her that it was from me and I really never forgive myself for feeling that way. Shortly she very much wanted to have more children and we do try again and had a miscarriage, which I can honestly say was far more horrific for her that it was from me and I really never forgive myself for feeling that way. Shortly after that we were able to conceive again, and we had a beautiful healthy baby girl. That was about two years ago and about a month ago she asked me for a divorce. One of her reasons was over the years she had discovered that I was looking at gay porn, and that was something she simply thought she could not see her Way past. Even at this moment confrontation she didn't want to ask me, and I certainly didn't feel I was in a place to come out. There's so much turmoil in my life right now, I simply do not know what I'm going to do. I do not know how the future is going to lay out for me. There's so much to get through with the divorce, trying to establish a new relationship with my children, and trying to come to terms with myself. I truly never dreamed that I would ever be brave enough to ever put this out there.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have been here over a year now, since shortly after coming out to myself, then my wife. People here have been genuinely understanding and kind. There is a lot of experience here, and it is worth reading others stories, posting and asking questions. You are not alone. The things that helped me most were therapy- I found an excellent therapist who has helped me accept myself and walk through this process; friends - as I became more comfortable with myself, I reached out to friends I thought could understand. It felt terrifying at first,but their love and acceptance make a world of difference; and exercise. This has been an extremely stressful experience, and so any practice that helps to stay healthy has been vital. I wish you and your family well.
Welcome. This site is full of compassionate, knowledgeable, empathetic people. Talking here helps ease the pain, confusion, loneliness, fear.....it's not always easy to find our way, but this is sure a great start on the journey of discovery, and hopefully your life will start to find balance.
At least you have gotten to this point, and are able to reflect and see things fairly clearly. You may as well spill it out, tell us what else is going through your mind. What do you think is next for you? I hope you are sober and not drinking like many who are stressed out over an ordeal like this.
Drinking? No. Truly, I am the most concerned that if I were to come out to my wife at this time, there might be some real retribution on her part. We are in the midst of getting a divorce, it is understandable that she would not be at her most understanding and forgiving. As I said above, she really didn't seem to have it in her to ask me if I were gay, and I was in no place to admit it. Guilt over keeping this from her, from keeping her from making a decision about how she might be happy, keeps looming up inside me. I have no plans on what to do about coming out because I am in the throes of dealing with the divorce and trying to put my life back together. Therapy may be a path, though money for that will be hard to come by in the future. So very much to think about.
But she knows about the porn. So the cat is out of the bag ain't it? And her understanding or forgiveness on this matter is not in your hands. You were exposed by the web traffic reports. You may as well come out and be honest if asked and if the moment is not hostile. Now may not be the time, but I think honesty is best later if at all possible. My fear (of coming out) would be everyone else that ends up knowing not just the ex. word travels fast, so going slow or not coming out is a valid option as well. At least your time has come and society is getting pretty used to gays getting their way legally today. Many have suffered so you can have it easier now. That sounds odd, but it's true.
One step at a time might be the best idea. No doubt, she has her suspicions about your sexuality, but I'm not sure you should be confirming them at this stage - it may feel like you are rubbing salt into the wound. In time it will be necessary, so you can pick up the pieces, but I think it could make things a lot more tricky right now. I'm pleased you joined and posted about what you are going through. The later in life sub-forum would be a good place to continue talking as you go through the process of divorce and re-building your life. Many of the 'regulars' in that part of EC have been through the same process and will be able to support and advise. Now that you have posted a few times I hope you will have the confidence to stick around. It's not easy, but you can get through all of this and we'd like to help you.
Patrick: Yes, so I accidentally posted this message to the "Later" first <sheepish> and had it moved here; nothing like making an odd entrance. Then I really got to reading posts in that thread and saw it may have been fine to start there. In many parts of my life I'm very rule oriented and, if there is a place you are supposed to start, that's where you start. Jeff: as the say in the legal profession "you can't unring a bell." She didn't ask and I think, in a way, she almost doesn't care because she has decided she wants the divorce. That seems to make a great deal of sense now that I have thought about these last few days; she took control of her situation. As for others finding out; there will be some difficulty, but I would remind any of them that at no time was I something to them like I was supposed to be to my wife. It won't matter to some. I am blessed that I am surrounded by people who are older, and whose political, social, and "ethical" views are more aligned with my own (and my wife's). Much to think about, and much to do.
Mae Govannen a galu! That means "nice to meet you and good luck" I'm new here too, and still in the process of admitting who I am to my family. I'm only 17 and am not always that wise, but I have some advice for you. Be yourself, and be honest and everything will turn out fine. Things have a way of working themselves out.
