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First post, very confused and overwhelmed!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by luke564, Aug 11, 2015.

  1. luke564

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    Ok, this is my first post - it's going to be a long one, I've never posted on a website like this before so I'm pretty nervous. I'm also not sure what forum to post this in so sorry if I've chosen the wrong one :/

    All my life I've been a fairly regular guy, I'm straight - had a few girlfriends (including one fairly long relationship which recently failed), into all the usual stuff but main passion has always been music, always been into heavy metal and rock since I was a kid (older brother probably got me into it) - I played bass in a band and most of my friends were into that "scene" including my ex. I was happy for many years, never had any doubts or thoughts about anything, I'd never ever had any real opinions or thoughts on homosexuality, I wasn't particularly interested - if anything I maybe (maybe) I was leaning a little bit on the homophobic side.

    A few years ago, things started to go bad - I was disagreeing and falling out with my band mates, I was starting to get bored of the music, band practice and gigs were a pain - me and my girlfriend started to drift apart, and then it all came crashing down, she left me and I got kicked out of my band and I suddenly found myself very unhappy and lonely.

    About 6 months later I realized I'd hardly touched my guitar and I got kinda curious, I started searching online about different genres of music and I can't remember EXACTLY how it all started but I found myself chatting to a guy on a website chatroom about music - in particular he really started insisting that what I needed was a change, something different and he started suggesting pop music - as you can imagine I was absolutely DEAD against this and I started laughing and joking with him, but before you know - a few youtube links later I was listening to stuff that he was sending me (in case your wondering, at that time it was Lady Gaga and Kesha) - I really didn't like it, but actually I enjoyed chatting with this guy (I had no idea at the time he was gay) so I humored him and we just keep talking, why not? I was bored and had nothing to do online.

    Anyway, we chat for a few weeks - he kept sending me music and before I knew it, I think secretly - I started getting weirdly curious about it, I actually felt very embarrassed and I kinda still do - but it became a weird sort of guilty pleasure to be listening to these really girly pop artists that were so so so different from the kind of music I used to play, and the stuff me and my band mates used to laugh at.

    After a while he convinced me to sign up to an actual pop music website where I started talking to more people - it was kinda weird, I didn't really know anyone or get on with anyone but I guess it was kinda like a weird escape, I could meet lots of passionate and opinionated people and there was none of the ego or prejudice that came with my scene or any of that kind of thing - also I guess I was kinda just seeing a different side of life, it didn't really dawn on me at the time that most of the guys I was chatting too were actually gay - but I did slowly start to realise this, eventually I kinda drifted away from the original member that I got talking to that night, but I guess you could say that I had met a few new friends, they weren't real-real friends of course but just recognizable names, we talked, had a laugh sometimes shared music etc.

    Then all of a sudden, I started having weird dreams - I won't go into the full details, some of them were just confusing, some of them were quite sexual, they often revolved around the music, pop artists, my ex, the fights I used to have with my band - and on a few occasions I actually had dreams with homosexual experiences in them. At first it was just one or two, but eventually I started having these dreams like 2-3 times a week, they were troubling, confusing - but yet sometimes I'd wake up with an erection, sometimes I'd get really depressed about them - sometimes they reminded me of everything I had lost, it was (and still is) a very confusing time.

    In the end I opened up to one user on the forum (also gay), who has in turn gone on to becoming a really good friend - even though I don't really visit the website anymore I still chat with him online regularly, he has been very patient with me and helped me talk about what's been a really confusing time but he's also convinced that I might not be straight after all, as our relationship grew stronger we've openly talked about more things - I've told him about the dreams I have, he has on occasion sent me gay porn - he also has done an amazing job of opening my mind to new music (mainly pop, dance, electronic stuff, DJ's and remixes) which (when I'm in the mood and let myself go) can become completely overwhelming to listen to almost to the point where I feel like a completely different person than what I used to be, but then sadly on other days, I kind of resist it all, clam up - question why I'm having these dreams, wonder why I'm chatting to gay guys online - why am I listening to "silly" pop music etc and then get really depressed about it all.

    And this is kind of where I am today, the change in me is mainly internal, no one else knows about it - it's all in my head, but it's incredibly powerful stuff - some days I find myself even wondering if I recognise myself anymore, I've even thought about buying some new music online, or looking at new styles of clothes and stuff.

    Naturally there's more to this story, but I guess as this is my first post I should probably try to keep it fairly short - I'm really looking to meet new people - male, female, gay, straight it doesn't matter - to make new friends, get new opinions, explore or just try to make sense of it all - I'm INCREDIBLY nervous because I've never really done anything like this before so please be gentle - but PLEASE say hi, or send me a personal message or something - don't be a stranger!
     
  2. LakanLunti

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    Hi! First of all, welcome to EC! Dude, that's a really long background of yourself! I dont usually read 3 or more paragraph of posts here but I dont know why I read yours, I think it is maybe because of the first to third paragraphs are good :grin: Anyways, there are some EC members who are undergoing situation like yours and I am pretty sure they can help you. Well, not just really them but all of the people here are very much happy to help anyone in need so dont be afraid to ask around members and make thread or reply to threads here. And dont be nervous! People here are nice! If you need someone to talk to (dont care if what is the topic) just send me a wall post and I'll reply ASAP :slight_smile: Enjoy EC and have a good day!
     
  3. Chiroptera

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    Hey luke564,

    Welcome to EC!

    I hope you enjoy our community. We are here if you need advice, or if you want to chit-chat :slight_smile:

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  4. luke564

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  5. happydavid

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  6. Berru

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    Hi Luke, welcome to the site! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Gamer4now

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    Welcome! We will be sure to help through all the problems and confusing times you're having! Have fun here at EC
     
  8. Spartan 117

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    Hey Luke,

    First off, welcome to EC. We're a pretty friendly, non-judgemental community here. :slight_smile: Take a look around, I'm sure you'll get some great answers and advice.

    It sounds to me like you've gone through some big changes in your life recently and a few things have lead you to doubt what you thought you knew about yourself. For instance, you thought you'd never be into pop music considering your rock music background, but it's a guilty pleasure for you now. Literally! Personally, as far as that goes: I think you should go with what makes you feel happy. Don't feel bad about liking girly pop and heavy metal! It's great that you're open to new things, it's all music right? :slight_smile:

    Now, as for the whole dreaming about sleeping with guys thing. I can't speak for your sexuality, you may well have some attraction towards men, but I will say that you shouldn't put too much emphasis on dreams. They are pretty random things. I say that I'm gay (because I exclusively like guys) and I've had dreams about women before. I know that I definitely don't want to be with a woman. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: The subconscious is a strange thing.

    If I could give you one piece of advice it would be: don't panic! It's perfectly normal to try new things and challenge what you think you knew about yourself. In fact, it's a good thing that you're so open to explore these things. I bet you're probably thinking "oh man, what's happening to me? First I joined a pop music forum, now an LGBT forum! Who am I?!" but you will be okay. :slight_smile: Don't put pressure on yourself to figure things out all at once!

    If you want more advice about your sexual orientation, you might want to start a new thread in the Sexual and Romantic Orientation sub-forum. There's no need to be nervous, as you can see, we're lovely!
     
  9. luke564

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    Thanks everyone, Spartan 117 thanks a lot for your considerate response - it's true I really am confused about what's going on at the moment but I'm glad everyone on here seems so friendly.
     
  10. Sky82

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    Hi Luke and welcome to EC, I hope you find the answers you are looking for but just remember you will always have support here.
    Also, the dreaming thing is normal. When I was going through the "am I bi" period I was dreaming some real strange stuff, don't read too much into the dreams. But listen to what your gut and heart say and try to stay honest with yourself :slight_smile:
     
  11. TheJackC

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    Hey! Welcome. If you want to talk, I'm available, I guess?:grin: hopefully see you around!
     
  12. luke564

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    Thanks guys, TheJackC sure is love to chat at some point
     
  13. luke564

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    maybe once I'm allowed to actually send private messages :slight_smile: (i just noticed I couldn't!)
     
  14. Spartan 117

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    At the moment, you'll only be allowed to PM Staff Members.

    Once you've reached 50 posts, and been a member for two weeks - you can apply for Full Membership via a form, found on the main forum. Full Members are able to exchange Private Messages with each other.

    In the meantime, regular members are welcome to leave "wall messages" on each other's profiles (a bit like Facebook), if you want to chat with people. :slight_smile:
     
  15. luke564

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    ah ok, thanks for explaining that!