Hi! I hope you're all doing well.

Hey, good morning/afternoon/evening, I'm Eridiath you can call me Eri for short and I'm a gay male in my early 20s.

I guess I should now write something about myself to start a conversation.

Well, I'll tell you my story then. I'll start with my coming out story since it connects to why I'm here in the first place. I came out to my family when I was 18, it was when I fell in love for the first time (by the way, I never actually told him how I felt, the reason will be apparent shortly). I knew I was gay long before, I just never accepted it. For years I denied even to myself what I was, and it was only when I fell for the first time that I saw I couldn't hide anymore. I became depressed when I saw what I had to do, my family is all very christian and I was raised as one, telling them felt like a colossal task... it wasn't. One night I decided to just tell them, better to jump in the pool than to get wet piece by piece right?, the reactions were what you are all expecting. My mom wanted to take me to see a psychiatrist and to get checked for hormone deficiency, my little sister said she felt awful that she didn't see what I was before and my dad... he told me to grow up and stop being stupid. With such overwhelming support I delved into depression and suicidal tendencies, I actually came close a few times to do it but... something I was taught since little was the concept of justice, and for some reason I just couldn't perform such an injustice, forcing pain on people that had nothing to do with my situation. I know it's a flawed reasoning considering many of those people were the reason I even considered the act but it held me through the years.

My parents never spoke to me again about it, if you don't think about the problem it isn't there right? Yeah, right. I started looking around for help, a friendly ear and shoulder... I forgot to take into account that all my friends were religious like my parents. Yeah you guess what happened, I was burned a few times but with some damage control I survived. Let's just say I always gather enough dirt on people before I commit to something so dangerous... yeah, I'm the worst person you know, trust me I am.

Eventually I reached university, it was and is an amazing experience, there I met people outside my community and tried to be myself for once. It didn't go well... I'm a horrible judge of character, I tried dating a guy I found only to discover (on my dirt uncovering sessions) that he had a boyfriend already and was keeping me around for a) a backup b) someone to use in bed since his boyfriend lived far away.

It didn't help my self esteem much but I survived. Then I found Him... the mythical One... The One for me. He was smart, kind, funny, generous, amazing and above all he made feel safe like I never did before.
We dated for about a year, we went through Hell together, I supported him and he supported me. I saw him grow next to me, from this shy guy with body image problems to an amazing man, confident, beautiful and caring.
We broke up a few weeks ago, his mother was religious like my own parents, she lived alone with him and he couldn't leave her, other things are involved but it's difficult to explain and understand. And that's why I'm here... I'm here because I lost the love of my life to the closet and I can't even mourn this loss, I have no one to speak to about it no shoulders to cry on, I can't even cry around the house with fear of my parents finding me and me having to explain why I'm crying.

I feel lost and empty and confused... I don't know what to do.
I hope this wasn't too much of a wall of text, I thank you for your time.

TL : DR version; my amazing boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago and I have no one to speak to... I feel selfish to ask for this but I need help to get through this, I can't do it alone anymore. Thank you for your time.

Eri

 

Hi guys! Thank you so much for the welcome, I'm glad there's at least a chance I'll make some friends around here. I hope I wasn't too forward or seemed too desperate and scared some of you away.
I understand this probably isn't the best place to have any kind of conversation so I should make a topic about it at the Help section, right? I'm really quite unsure of the proper protocol in this case.