I'm a 26 year old guy, who as many of you have probably surmised from my screen name, is currently a gay man trying to pose as a straight man. Now, the reality is, that I know I'm one of these guys who registers on peoples "gay-dars", and I'm probably only fooling myself in not being true to what I know that I am. I am currently involved in a straight relationship, with a girl who apparently has no "gay-dar" and is definitely very into me. I realize that it is completely selfish of me to be stringing her along, and that this is a relationship that I need to break off asap. I'm basically using her to keep up my facade. I have limited relationship experience. This girl is the only real girlfriend I've ever had, and we've only been seeing each other for a little over four months. I became involved in the relationship with the intent to learn to be straight, as ridiculous as that sounds. I've only had two sexual partners, both of whom were female. I'm not sure exactly what I hope to gain from posting this little intro, but I feel like I need to tell these things to someone. I don't have any gay friends to talk to about this stuff, and I look forwarding into getting some feedback: constructive criticism welcome. I live in a very rural area that's not exactly gay friendly. I am, however, only about an hour's drive from Seattle. I don't know what to do. I know that I'm gay, but I'm not sure that I want to come out to my elderly religious parents. I'm not as worried about reactions from my siblings; they strike me as supportive of me no matter what. I've considered just moving to Seattle and starting over there...within driving distance of my family - let them think what they may. Is that ridiculous? I don't know anything about dating at all: sraight or much less gay! I'm intelligent, I'm educated, I'm socially adept...I'm GREAT making FRIENDS with girls! I'm sure that'll come as a shocker to you all, right?! LOL. I have a lot of female friends and not a lot of close male friends. I know I'm rambling, and I'll stop for now and wait for some feedback. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.
First, welcome to EC! I'm sure you will gain insight from talking with the good people here! I would definitely take advantage of being so close to Seattle and take advantage of the gay community up there and the things that they have to offer. There is alot of groups up there you could get involved in. Yeah, you probably should break it off with your girlfriend before you hurt her anymore than she's already going to be hurt.
Welcome to EC!!! And, not to echo Becky or tell you redundantly what you already know, but it's not being fair to this girl. Hopefully, she'll be really understanding and you can still be friends (however cliché that sounds). But, be sure to talk to some people here! We're really friendly.
I recently moved to Austin, Tx from the Dallas, Tx area. It has done me a world of good. There is no way I could have come out if I stayed in Dallas. I grew up in the Dallas area and there is just too much history there, I really needed the clean slate. If it is feasible for you move and you are open to it, I say go for it. I really think everyone should move away from home for a little while sometime in their life.
Hi and welcome to EC! I think it is good that you started talking about it. As Becky mentioned, perhaps try to connect with others within the gay community. In starting the coming out process, do take your time. I think the first thing though is that you stop pretending and start being yourself. When you do start the coming out process, come out to a couple of good friends first who you trust and know will be supportive and accept you. Build your support network on which you can rely on. The gay community (including LGBT support groups) could and perhaps should be part of it. Once you have achieved that, maybe start coming out to your family then. Start with your siblings. Having support within the family might make it a bit easier to come out to your parents. But do take your time. Take it one step at a time as it where. It is important that you go follow with what you feel comfortable with. Also, stick around here on EC! Read some of the threads in the support and advice sections. Post what ever you want or feel need to talk about. If there are things that you don’t feel comfortable talking about in the open public forum, feel free to pm any of the advisors here on EC. You can do so by clicking on our user names and select “send a private message to”. I hope this helps a bit. Again, welcome to EC! I hope EC can help you in your coming out journey!
Wow! You sound JUST like me! A few pointers for you, these are JUST my opinion, but they are pretty recent experiences, and from how similar your story sounds to mine, these insights might help you a bit... 1. Do not ignore the instinct that you have regarding triggering people's "gaydar". I always wondered about that myself. In fact, that wondering (and fear) were unhealthy additions to my paranoia of "being discovered". Well, in my coming out process, when I started telling the handful of people whom I could trust the most and felt closest to, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM reacted with a variation on the order of a saracastic but heartfelt "really! Ya think??" or "well DUH!". It was amazing to find that a lifetime-held secret could be revealed to loved ones and that they'd still love me. But it also was a little heartbreaking to know that I'd suffered so long when it seemed that everyone already knew, or at least suspected. I truly was only fooling myself. 2. I, too, had a 'straight' relationship with a girl, who was my only sexual partner and remained so for years. At the time, I can swear that I wasn't with her to try to be straight, I really cared about her. But I knew back then who I was, so it was still a lie. Also, like you, my sexual experience was very limited, and I wonder if that was a factor too. We may be gay, but we're still boys, lol! And back then, she was willing, so it probably contributed to my staying in the relationship (y'know, that old saying that guys tend to "think with the little head, not the big one"...). You need to be true to yourself before too much time goes by with her. It will only be worse down the road. Again, from experience. 3. Like others have posted, YES! If it's at all feasible, move! I know there's a pretty good gay community in Seattle, I have several friends who either live or have been there. Once more, like you, I lived in a very rural and "redneck" area "up in the hills"; in my coming out process, I had the chance to move into the city (Sacramento in my case), and discovered the gay community here at the same time I was discovering myself. I've made a lot of friends and more importantly, I finally feel like I'm "home". It's been a blessing, and enlightening. And fun, too!! From what you say, you are social and have no problem making friends; that will only work to your advantage, since I've found the gay community (at least here) to be very open, accepting, and friendly. Keep us updated on how things go, we're all here to support and listen! (&&&)
Hi! Welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto! I figured all this out in my 30s. But I could relate to your situation from when I was in my 20s. Only one girlfriend, and we ended up getting married. I was so deep in denial that even I didn't know I was gay - so it's great that you've figured that out. Once you're comfortable with yourself, meeting other people and having a relationship won't be all that hard. It isn't rocket science. You've not had much experience because you weren't interested in what you were allowing yourself to have. You've come to the right place. EC helped me get comfortable with who I am, and to share my concerns and small victories with SOMEONE when I didn't have many people in 'real life' to discuss this stuff with. Good luck!
Thanks so much for all the input! I'm meeting my girlfriend for coffee tomorrow and am planning to break it off with her. I think that's a first step in the right direction for me; and for her as well. I'm not planning on coming out to her at this point, and the last thing I want to do is to hurt her, but I don't think there's any way around it. Better to do it now then after investing years in the relationship; or even marriage! Again, thanks!
