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hello

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by countrycastout, Nov 29, 2015.

  1. countrycastout

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    orick, ca
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    So hello... Um my trans girlfriend came out three months go and it caused me to look at something I put in a box a long time ago....I was born female but when I was little I always felt like a male, when I hit puberty I bound my forming breasts and kept them that way until I realized being a female could come to my advantage plus I grew up in Wyoming were you went aloud to be gay much less transgender so I shoved the way I felt into a box and embraced my born gender... I always liked woman so I tell myself I'm just butch and that was OK because I didn't date women openly but when the love of my life told me he was abshe everything I had been telling myself for Years shattered. It made me question everything I told myself I had to be... I have been dressing masculine for about two weeks now and every time I try to dress girly I feel ridiculous but I'm so confused am I trans? Or gender fluid? I hate men with all my heart but is that because I am one? How much of my life has been me and how much has been the lie I told myself....
     
  2. Steve FS

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Washington State
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    First of all, welcome to EC, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

    I feel like from what you're describing, you have a strong desire to be a male, and that's OK. It seems like staying as a butch woman isn't giving you enough happiness.

    Do you experience dysphoria when people refer to you as a woman, or use feminine pronouns?

    Also, is there a specific reason why you hate men? We're not all bad.
     
  3. countrycastout

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Thanks for replying to me. And not until lately I was completely OK with being refered to as female, I was born female ya know? And I guess I hate men because my mom does... I grew up in a biker family women were property and she hated men told me everyday how viel corrypt andevil men were, they were a means to an end nothing more... I had a roll to fill ya know? A strong women in a world were women were nothing... It worked to a degree but now I wonder if its just because I felt like one of the men. I got away from the family but kept the mentallity. Until a year ago when I was saved by a man I thought was just like the rest... But he stayed and in time told me her true identity everything made swnce and got confusing all over again... I feel like a may be a man but then all my memories and emotions through life were a lie... How can I be assured anything is really me if I could make myself believe I was female so completely? It am I just over thinking things and just need to accept the way things are?
     
  4. Steve FS

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Washington State
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Ah, I see. I can definitely see how growing up with that mindset and feeling like a male yourself can cause confusion.

    I feel like what you're feeling is caused by society pushing its expectations on you - to be cis gender. You said in Wyoming, you were not allowed to express your feelings regarding being a transgender, so you stayed as a female. You shouldn't have to fit anyone's expectations if it's keeping you from achieving happiness.

    In the end, it is all up to you. If you're not happy currently, then it might be time to start making changes toward being a male. If you feel like it's more hassle than its worth and you think you can be 100% happy being a female, then stay as you are. But it's your life, and your body. No one else's.
     
    #4 Steve FS, Nov 29, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2015