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Hi All. Joined Earlier This Week

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by headsup1958, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. headsup1958

    Full Member

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    Hi everyone. I joined EC earlier this week and posted my story in another thread on this site but realize I probably could have started in The Welcome Lounge. So here it is:

    Hi All. I'm having a rough time right now. I'm 57 and recently came out. I lost my wife of 20 years 13 months ago after a three year illness. I have three adult children in their 30's from my first marriage to whom I am out. It's a long story but I hope you’ll indulge me:

    I knew I was different since I was 12-13 years old (circa 1970). I never acted on anything sexual other than exploration with a same aged boy as a kid, which is probably pretty normal anyway. Married VERY young to my first and only girlfriend. By the time I was 21 I had a wife, a baby, and a mortgage. Had three kids by the time I was 26, too.

    Started to have same sex feelings/fantasies during my twenties but never acted on them. Sort of like a switch went on. My wife left me and the kids after ten years when she had an affair at work. Of course I was crushed. After a couple years of being single I had my first gay experience (age 32?) and over the next couple years met some guys and I had an 8 month relationship with one. During this time, while I found the sex to be great, I never had an emotional connection with any guy.

    I was in a men’s group (not a gay men’s group) and met a woman through one of these men. She had kids my kid’s ages, we became friends, and she met the guy I was dating. So she knew about my gay predilections. She worked as a music teacher and in The Arts and had gay/lesbian friends....and even some experiences of her own! Over the next couple years she and I became closer and we married in 1995 combining our two families.

    We survived raising our kids. It was not easy and we were lucky to get past the five year mark. The two of us did some exploring as a couple and more (which I won't go into here). Anyway, life happens and eventually we settled in.

    In 2011 she became ill, diagnosed with brain cancer. I ultimately gave up my job and my career to care for her during the next three years. I have no regrets whatsoever in doing that. But let's just say brain cancer sucks big time….for both the patient AND caregiver.

    During those three years we talked about what it was I would do in my future. It was hard to talk about, obviously, and we only talked when she brought it up. She was worried that I would shut down, curl up and die. I assured her I would not, that I would move forward and reinvent myself. I feel like I was able to assuage her fears.

    I had a lot of time to think of my future, for introspection and reflection of my life, what I wanted to do, and the man I wanted to be. She passed away in October 2014. I sold our house in New England (USA) and moved to Florida where I became semi-retired (meaning I'm actually retired, but too damned young at 56 to consider myself a retiree!!!).

    Grief sucks and I sought counseling, which I've always been amenable to anyway as I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years. On my first visit I said I wanted to work on my grief issues and sexual identity. So basically I just outed myself to the first person. That was in April. I've worked through a lot of the grief issues and joined a couple support groups: One was for grief, the other an adult LGBT group.

    I was able to come out to MY children, and while I truly feared I'd be abandoned, they were incredibly loving and accepting. Of course, with my internal struggles since age 13, I raised them to be tolerant and open minded....and I reaped the rewards! I also came out to several of my siblings (I have 7 and told the ones I am closest to, the others will figure it out in due time). My parents have been gone for awhile. I do believe, however, had they been alive today, they too would be accepting. Time sometimes has a way of changing people's opinions - especially when it has to do with their children. So my parents had eight kids, and statistically one of us had to be gay – and that was me.

    During the summer and fall let’s just say I “sowed my gay oats”. Met a lot of guys but found almost all were only interested in hooking up. I did meet this nice younger nursing student in which there may be a budding relationship in the works, but that’s a story for a different thread.

    Anyway, that’s my story. I’ve been through an incredible amount of shit in the last four years, but have come a long way this year, too. I find that right now I’m incredibly lonely (needy?)….especially since it’s around the holidays. I discovered this site, and although I know it’s geared to younger people, I’m hoping that I can be accepted for who I am. After all, we are all on the same life journey! Some of the feedback I have received already has come from men and women of all ages, which has been nice. I would love to chat with anyone…perhaps I can offer guidance myself to someone: as a friend; as a man; as a parent; and as a father - with a lot of life experience!
     
  2. radicalmuffins

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2014
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    Location:
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    A few people
    I'm glad you were able to pull through the challenges that were thrown your way. Welcome to EC!
     
  3. Minx

    Full Member

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    Welcome to EC! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride: