Hi...and a not so little introduction.

Hi to all! Not sure if this is the right place to write this, but here goes. It is not that easy for me to do this, but I have to start somewhere (have toyed with thecae of this website for a long time). Please know that I am just writing what is going through my mind. I hope that I do not offend anyone with what I say for that is not at all my intention. I have dealt with it all for so long that my thoughts may not be that clear, and what I say may not be comprehensible to you, but makes sense in my mind, so please bear with me.

Will start by saying that the road to accepting that I am gay has been a really difficult one (not yet complete), but I am gay (still have that wall that’s trying to rebuild itself, trying to convince me that I am not)…I won’t get into all of that. All I’ll say is that I’ve always known, but never did explore it (for various reasons). I had literally shut down my sex drive for over 10 years (this I believe to prevent and protect myself from criticisms, and also I didn’t want to believe it). Btw, I a 34 years old.

Now I face a difficult decision: telling people! I know that I don’t have to tell everyone, and that I should do it in my own time, but I want to (if you can understand that) let certain people who are close to me know (and I only get close to very few people). I believe that my fears are unwarranted, but it’s still daunting.

I know that many will be shocked as I don’t come across as the “stereotypical gay guy” (it has been jokingly said when with some friends…had some guys fall head over heals for me, and my friends said that if I had turned out to be gay, that would be the biggest shock of their lives). And yes, I know that gay men come in all “shapes and sizes”, but unfortunately the stereotype is there, and once I come out as gay, my fear is that who I am would disappear and my identity would become my sexual orientation, and I’d be characterised and treated according to these said stereotypes.

Sorry…rambling on, and got a bit off topic there. Lol! My main concern is about those that I care for the most; those that have managed to break down many of my walls (except this one). I’ve only now accepted it; can’t fathom telling others. You should know that I have confided in a friend (we hardly see each other, but often speak on Facebook…felt sick when I told her, but her reaction was what I needed…she really couldn’t be bothered and didn’t change the way she treated me…she just jokingly said that now she wouldn’t have to be jealous of the girl that got me…however it should be noted that I didn’t choose her by accident…whilst she and I may be close, we hardly see each other so it would have hurt much less if she were to say anything negative or reject me).

I’m just afraid of what will happen, how they’d react. I’m sure that there will be a reaction; just not sure what.

It’s getting harder as I want to start meeting guys. And that’s another story. Not to offend anyone, but I’ve never liked the whole LGBT scene (I support it, one shouldn’t expect to see me waving any flags in the gay pride…I just don’t want to, because I am gay, constantly be around other gay people as if, as previously stated, it were my identity. I had a gay friend who was in a relationship, and ALL his friends were gay, that’s all they every talked about, etc. I just wanted to talk about TV shows, or UFC…even politics. I knew another gay person who would literally constantly remind everyone that he was gay, but degrade himself in doing so, until one day I told him that I didn’t run around telling people that I was straight, nor should he keeping telling people that he is gay simply because no one cared), or gay bars and clubs. I am a very conservative person, and would like the person I end up with to be like me. But how and where could I meet someone like me? Plus, I don’t like Internet dating (the fact that I’m on this forum is not like me). So, I don’t know where to start. And my neck of the woods isn’t the best area for finding gay guys…except if you want to meet up with someone in the park at night, and that’s a big NO for me!

Now for the kicker…I have helped many of my friends come out often closet. I was often the first person that they told and supported them through it all (I believe that I was living vicariously through some of them). I am also a psychologist and have helped some of my clients come to terms with their sexuality. However when it comes to me, I’m stuck!
I honestly don’t know what to expect with this message. I think that I just wanted to get some of it off my chest…and maybe see if I am not alone in this.

And I know that I may speak in riddles, or say things without really saying anything. If anything isn’t clear, or you would like some clarification, don’t hesitate to ask (however if it’s too personal, I’d politely decline).


I’d just like to say thank you for reading this. I know that it is a bit (very) long, and I do apologise for that. However thanks for getting to the end of this message if you did! And btw, it’s 2 in the morning, so I may be a bit incoherent at times. Lol!

Goodnight to all!
Justemoi

 

Thanks! Had a little trouble figuring out the site...didn't realise that someone had responded.

Thanks to everyone!!

New or not, your "welcome" is "welcomed"!! Lol!! Welcome to you as well, canyontrix!! Feels good that someone understands (although I believe that many others have experienced something similar).

I came out to my best friend from my home country the other day. She said that she had known for years and was waiting for me to come out with it on my own. She told me that nothing changed...and she was right. We're talking our usual rubbish again. Lol!!

Still though, having some difficulties. As you said, hope this forum helps.

Happy New Year 2016 to you all as well!!

 

Thanks, shyguy79. However I won't say well done to me just yet. Part of me is trying to push me back, to deny this part of me. In the past, when I used to "condition myself" to look at girls, part of me would say that I was living a lie. Now having "accepted" it, I'm struggling to keep at it. I guess its simply my personal fears.

 

Night Rain, I enjoyed reading what you said except for the "34 isn't too old" bit (Are you implying then that I in fact am old?! Kidding...Lol!!).

I never really saw things that way and it was a rather interesting point of view.

I have never associated with homophobic people. I've also realised that I tend to "go back in the closet" so to speak (well, haven't been out that long) when they hit on me, or when a gay "friend" (who hides it as he's married with kids) tried to "make the most of our friendship", convinced that everyone was bisexual and so wanted to try things with me (that was years ago when I was telling myself that I was straight). I would not only become straight, but also a typical, stereotypical straight man and push them away (not in an nasty way, I'd just put limits).

However I remember at a fair here (where a bunch of small organisations/associations get together, promoting their work), I was talking to a gay guy of a gay association and he was rather "masculine". I didn't mind that he was checking me out. I actually (really) enjoyed it and that was the first time I could have gone for someone (or rather would have allowed myself to go for someone).

The hardest part was coming out to myself. I remember praying the rosary (I'm Catholic) to ask God to guide me, almost crying, asking Him to help me understand my feelings, the way I am...long story. However those 9 days were the first time I had ever really confronted that part of myself. By the end of it, I was entertaining the idea.

May be strange, but I do not want certain people knowing, because I do not want to give them the satisfaction of their knowing that they were "right". For example, there was this gay guy who had trouble coming out so believed that all men were gay and would find the most ridiculous reasons to prove that someone was gay. For me, I was too nice and polite to be a straight man. For others, they were too masculine so were overcompensating. He would always try to trap me into "outing myself" and pressure, or force me to admit that I was. Stupid as he was quite cute. Lol!!

I do apologise for my long posts...It's just that I have kept all this in for so long that it feels good finally being able to talk about it.

 

Night Rain, don't encourage me, because I can talk...a lot!! Lol!!

Don't worry...not rushing at all. Only two people know and that's fine by me.

When with some friends, they may see a woman and then believe that she is my type. I smile to myself thinking, "You are so wrong!!" Lol!!

And as I've told my friends, and some of my clients, their being gay isn't their identity, and no one's business. I never had to go around letting people know that I was straight (when I hid it from myself), so why does someone who is gay have to let people know?! One gay guy explained that it was because people were trying to set him up with women, or to defend others against homophobic people. In any case, I am who people see in front of them.

I have a friend that I believe knows...in fact, two of them. But neither is pressuring me...I believe that it hasn't yet hit as I haven't vocalised it yet. Only via e-mail through close friends I've known for years (one for over a decade). No, not internet friends. We kew each other, but then I migrated, or another returned home.

And I wouldn't say that I am freshly out. I'm just peaking through the closet. Lol!!

 

Actually, I want to meet someone, but I still have to "come to terms" with everything. The "feelings" are there; however I know to take it slowly. I guess that I am just open to it now.

I'll explain...it might be a bit "graphic", but it could help you understand how difficult it is right now for me.

As I've said before (but doubt very clearly), I had shut down for over a decade...I shut down my sex drive (sorry if I'm a little too detailed) and so wouldn't look at anyone, man or woman. However it had gotten more and more difficult.

I was at a fair (one I believe I spoke of earlier) and was speaking to a gay guy about his association (was curious as wasn't sure what it was about...it was an acapella group daily for LGBT, but also straight people). To be honest, I "wanted him"!! I remember that he was wearing this purple sweater, and it fitted him nicely. You could tell that he worked out and in my mind, I just wanted to put my hands all over him, and maybe rip off that sweater. The feelings that I have repressed for so long are fighting their way out (but I am being careful not to do anything stupid that I would regret later...sorry if I am a little too graphic...). He was checking me out...and I was being "charming"; however he didn't know that I was gay. That was a few days after kinda accepting it myself. What was also funny was that as his unattractive friend was rig to hit on me. Lol!!

The thing is, I felt alive!! I also "charmed" another guy afterwards...and it felt so natural...it felt good!! However this feeling is only temporary and I often find myself trying to push back my feelings.

More and more, I'm allowing myself to look at guys, and comment to myself if they're hot or not. The problem is, all those years of shutting down, not expressing myself are coming back...I have even stopped watching the final episodes of a certain tv series (or certain series on a whole) because the guys in it (well, the main stars) get me feeling stuff, and I have to use all my self-control to "cool down" (I basically get horny, like really horny sometimes)...it's sometimes really bad where I would pace up and down, and force myself to cool off...I have over a decade of emotions, etc. that have piled up, and I need to focus it. I'm not lying, it is sometimes painful!!

I'm tired of putting it off, but I know that I have to be cautious and not let my emotions and whatnot take over. And that's why I am trying to be in control, all the while allowing myself to look.

What is also difficult is that my mind is pushing my back. For example, I am gay, but only on rare occasions do I really accept it. For most of the other times, I am like, "Maybe I am."

So, whilst I may want to find someone, to start "living this part of my life", I first need to really come to terms with who I am.

 

Thanks guys!! I really appreciate the support...almost bought a tear to my eye (actually I never cry...I was even when the doctor slapped me when I was born!!) Lol!!

But seriously, it's good to finally be able to speak about it. I actually accepted that I am, like really accepted on 27th September, 2015, when I started my self-psychoanalysis (advantage of being a psychologist); however only told someone 3rd December, 2015; and my best friend from my home country on 3rd January, 2016 (a month apart...wow!!). Sorry for the dates...I just remember everything, in the minutest of detail (that being said, I have to be careful when thinking about anything, like the guy in the purple sweater because it's like I live it all again).

The guy in the purple sweater...not an option. It was just a huge fair with many, MANY associations. I was even there promoting mine. So I was just doing the rounds looking for giveaways (and I scored big...you sometimes have to work for them, so flirted with the old ladies, charmed everyone to get things, worked my accent,...). Lol!!

So he was just a passer-by...but even thinking about him now makes me wonder!! Lol!! I guess why I mentioned him was because it was the first time I allowed myself to look.

I just need to take things in stride for I have over a decade (ashamed to really say how much time) of pent up feelings of things, not only of my sexuality, to deal with.

However Night Rain, exciting wouldn't be the word I'd use...lol!! I am a bit annoyed with myself for "shutting down" for all those years.

And yes, BlueLion, I do see take note when guys are hot. The advantage of being a native English speaker in a French speaking country is that, if I were to ever slip up and express myself out loud, no one would understand me. Lol!!

 

Hi!! Sorry...didn't know that. Just wrote a couple of lines in French I think, but translated them. Only English from now on.