Another one on the journey

I am not the only one to be on this same journey. I have read many personal stories on EC that have been very similar to mine. I am sharing mine to both provide and get support for the journey.

To start off, I have been married for 12 years and have three kids. The relationship with my wife has taken a turn for the worse over the last year. I do believe we are headed for divorce.

I grew up in a heteronormative family and community. I knew in high school that I was probably gay. I tried dating girls a couple of times, but never really connected.

After high school, I joined the military and only reinforced the locks on the closet. A few years later into college, I finally met and became friends with an openly gay man. That was a real eye opener for me. However with don't ask, don't tell, I didn't see coming out as an option.

Before deployment, I got married to a friend from college. So there was a year separation right off the bat. When I got home, we had our first child. I separated from the military and had our second child. I had thought I was being pretty successful at compartmentalizing my life and suppressing being gay.

So, seven years into marriage, I started to crack. I was feeling very dichotomous. I was depressed and short tempered. I spoke with the pastor at my church and actually had the courage to come out to him. It was Christmas and there was a long car ride, my wife knew something was up. I came out to her again (first time was in college). Things in my life seemed to be better than ever and number three came along.

But over the last couple of years, that dichotomous feeling has come back and so has the depression. It has hit me hard a couple of times while traveling when I have seen other gay couples. I feel that I will never have what I want, to have a deep connection with another person. I thought I tried hard with my wife to establish that connection, but nothing.

As the new year starts, both my wife and I intend to start counseling and we'll see where it goes from there.