My story.

Hey thanks for taking the time to read my story, I've finally come to accept who I am and would like to share my story...

I struggled my whole life over my sexuality. From a very young age I found myself watching gay porn regularly, but would switch it to straight porn until I climaxed. This was an effort I made to make myself feel "straight." Though once I found out that I was not straight I repressed who I was so much so that I completely believed my own lie. From a very early age (13) I began hooking up with many girls from school. I was always either in a relationship with a girl or having sexual relations with a girl. I probably slept with more girls than all my straight friends combined. This was how it was up until I met my most recent girlfriend. When I met her I "knew" that she was the one so I stopped watching any gay porn and tried my best to be the perfect boyfriend. I think I was so attracted to her because she was very masculine. Her wardrobe was extremely masculine, she had tattoos, a deep voice, and was very assertive.

This past summer was probably the best of my life, we were always doing something. But then September came. We had gone to the cape for the weekend and one morning I woke up and just felt odd. I couldn't really wrap my finger around it but I knew something was wrong. I didn't feel the same attraction to her as I thought I did. Which was shocking because I thought that she was absolutely perfect. When we returned home I told her that I needed a break, because something was wrong with me. After speaking with a psychologist I came to the realization that I was not straight. I even thought I might have been possibly transgender because I enjoyed dressing up as a women and desired to do it again. It was revealed that I had built a facade, or a false life due to my repression of my homosexuality. When I told her this she completely freaked out. She wouldn't talk to me, and I spiraled into a depression. I though about killing myself and was hospitalized for a night.

When I left the hospital her and I reconnected. She told me that she had had feelings that she was transgendered ever since she was a child. Her mother even told me a month prior that she dressed like a boy for years as a child (just like me). Everything was fine for a week until I started to act strange. I began talking extremely fast, became hyper sexual, thought people were following me and didn't sleep for 3 days. I even thought that at one point my girlfriend had poisoned me. This proclamation landed me in a psych ward where I stayed for several days.

When I was in the hospital I believed I was in a purgatory. I thought that I might even be dead. i actually thought that my visitors were angels. When I got out of the hospital I went back to life again the way I remembered it before. Continuing to repress my homosexual desires to where I again believed I was straight. Then on a rainy Wednesday I get a text from my gf saying "I just tried to kill my self." She was taken to the same hospital I stayed at when I was suicidal. She was even in the same room. A couple days later she was admitted to a psych ward, where I would visit her like she did with me.

After she got out of the hospital we took a break from the relationship. For 3 months we were apart. We reconnected again a couple weeks ago but I couldn't live the lie any more and told her that my I was not straight. I feel awful about leading her on but I truly felt as if I was straight. I wish I was straight but I know now that in my heart that I am not. Thank you for reading.