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25 Years In The Bomb Shelter

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Cort, Jan 17, 2016.

  1. Cort

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    Hi everyone. My name is Cort and after reading these forums for months I’ve decided that it was time to join in. I’ve loved reading all the different conversation that take place on these forums – I’ve certainly been helped by them and am looking forward to joining in.

    I’ve spent the better part of the first 25 years of my life at war with myself over my sexual orientation. I've known that I'm attracted to guys since Jr. High, but rather than confront and embrace the fact that I was gay I worked very hard to deny it, change it, ignore it, and cover it up. I’ve never viewed being gay as wrong and I’ve always believed it isn’t a choice – but at the same time I viewed MY being gay and wrong and was dead certain that I could change it for myself even if others couldn’t. I understand now that it’s irrational to hold these two beliefs as they contradict each other – but I wasn’t rational.

    I intentionally isolated myself throughout most of Jr. High and High School, avoiding social relationships and immersing myself in video games to escape reality. I wasn't interested girls like all the other buys and despite finding certain boys extremely attractive, the idea of having a boyfriend seemed completely unacceptable and shameful.

    I became a perfectionist in college and used academic achievement to compensate for my perceived “brokenness.” Every minute I wasn’t in class I had my head down in books. Despite going to a party school, I never drank so much as a sip of alcohol – I was too afraid that I wouldn’t be able to maintain control of the identity that I had worked so hard to create, project and perpetuate. I’ve managed to make it all the way to age 25 having never dated, kissed or even hugged anyone. I completely convinced myself that as long as I never acted gay or associated myself with others who were gay, I never would be gay. “Thoughts and fantasies don’t make me gay,” I would always be saying to myself throughout college. I figured if I waited long enough, some switch would flip for me like it had for everyone else. All I had to do was hunker down and wait.

    After graduating college, I no longer had academic achievement to distract me from reality. I immediately slipped into depression. It was only after spending a lonely year and reading books on psychology and personal development that I finally accepted the fact I was gay. Once I accepted it, I was immediately relieved and - oddly enough - excited. It was as if the world suddenly had meaning whereas before life just seemed pointless. I felt like I had found an authentic part of myself that I had long ago lost.

    Relief quickly turned to anger. I was angry at myself not for being gay, but for having demonized and shamed myself over it for so many years. I still can't believe what I let myself do to myself. Despite being angry, anger was still far better that depression and apathy. Anger led me to take action.

    I decided to tell my mom through a letter when I visited over Christmas. What I had intended to be a brief note turned into a 26 page monologue on my entire life. It was strange – I’ve always hated writing but when I sat down to write that letter the words just wouldn’t stop flowing. Fortunately, she was extremely touched and supportive. She had always half suspected that I might be gay, but never asked. In hindsight, even if she had asked, I would have in all likelihood denied it vehemently.

    Mom aside, I also attended my first PFLAG meeting a week ago and absolutely loved it. Sharing such an authentic and secretive part of myself with a bunch of supportive strangers I had never met before was very empowering. I haven’t told anyone else, but I’m working on baby steps rather than giant leaps.

    My goal now is to attempt to untangle all of the shame, self-hate, and negative belief patterns that I somehow managed to internalize over the years. I know that breaking down the walls up I built won’t happen overnight, but I’m committed to chiseling away at them daily until they come crashing down.

    Once again, I look forward to participating in this community and hope that I will be able to give back some of the value I have taken.
     
  2. NateC7

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    You sound like you've been on quite the journey! Well welcome to EC! Or well I guess welcome to EC as an official member! Since you've stated you've already been looking at the forum for a few months now.
     
  3. Southern Stoic

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    Welcome to EC, glad you decided to join and I certainly hope you like it here. :slight_smile:
     
  4. KyleD

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    What a gripping story! Welcome to EC and a brighter future! :slight_smile:
     
  5. justin88

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    Welcome to EC! I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling, I hope this site can help you out like it did to me! Everyone on here is quite friendly and caring so I'm sure you'll fit right in and make some new friends! :slight_smile:
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Hi Cort, welcome to EC!

    What a powerful and well-written first post!

    I want to congratulate you for embarking on this adventure of self-discovery. Good for you for coming out to your mother, and yes, pursue what feels right to you, there is no need to rush into anything. Learn as much as you can, and remember that good relationships are those where both partners enter willingly, not because they are afraid of being alone, but because they each have an excess of love to give.
     
  7. FoxEars

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    Welcome to EmptyClosets, I hope you find that being involved in the community will greater support you!
     
  8. Gay1234

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    Welcome to EC I hope you find it very helpful and enjoyable like I did
     
  9. Invidia

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    Hello and welcome. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Lone Dragon

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    Hey Cort and welcome!

    What a great first post and I hope you become comfortable on here and ask anything because everyone on here is willing to listen and help!

    Hope you enjoy your time on here! :slight_smile:
     
  11. bingostring

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    Hi Cort,

    It sounds like you have been on a journey .. and have now arrived where you can make the changes you want !!

    Welcome to EC!!
     
  12. lonewolf79

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    Hi Cort.
    Welcome to EC. What a great first post. Here you will meet really great people who are really supportive and friendly and even might have similar experiences as you (I do ^^)
    Enjoy it here ... chat soon.
     
  13. ecallan

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    Wow, that's so inspirational. I'm new here myself so it's great to meet you.
     
  14. naow

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    As long as you're happy it doesn't matter who you fall in love with.
     
  15. joshvolby

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    welcome to EC /KISS /HUG for you. enjoy
     
  16. beastwith2backs

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    It's funny, i started reading these forums a few months ago and decided to join in myself!

    Welcome to the family!
     
  17. luke564

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    Hey, welcome to the site - I'm always here if you need to chat.
     
  18. John W

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    Sounds like you've had some experiences, don't know if I should even be welcoming you since I joined a few days ago and you've been on here for months =D, anyway welcome to EC!!!!