Ok so, I'm not sure where to start. I'm 21, live in Alabama, and work a physical job at a branch of Honda. I've always been straight and still think I am. I'm a die hard metal head, covered in tattoos, drink beer, hang with guys, love to work on cars, and over all I feel like a normal guy. Here recently I've been having some crazy thoughts. Well, it's been longer than a few weeks. All these thoughts started around 3 years ago when I worked for Walmart. I couldn't stand gay people before I started Walmart, I mean back in high school I was one of the assholes that treated them like crap, but when I started Walmart everything started to change. There was this couple that worked there and they were the nicest couple. But I still avoided them. One night when leaving work, my car broke down on the side of the road. My house was a good 45 minute drive from work so there was definitely no walking. These two picked me up, despite the comments that I had made to them over the past few months, and offered a place to stay for the night. They sheltered me and fed me that night. Nothing happened and the next morning they drove me back to the car and continued to wait around until the tow truck arrived. From that moment on I had a different outlook on things. A few things happened throughout the year that had changed me: one being my best friend at Walmart coming out finally, and the main one. A boy named Juan. This guy had always made comments towards me but I never felt uncomfortable. I accepted the comments and just shrugged them off. We hung out a few times and nothing ever got weird or anything. I eventually quit Walmart and moved to a new state. After a year away and multiple girls throughout, I came back home due to an unexpected death in the family. I got a job, met a girl, got engaged, and then broke up. After the breakup, my brain was in shambles. I was hurt but I lived. I started going to college and started experimenting more. I met a guy named John who would eventually become my best friend. John has always stuck by me and eventually me and him made friends with more college students. The thoughts began a year and a half ago during the spring. I had went and ate at the local Burger King with a good friend from school (who was a girl and I had a thing for). Me and her were sitting outside the restaurant eating on the back of her truck when Juan walks up. My heart sank because deep inside, I had taken all those comments and kept them inside. They didn't hurt, they felt right. We sat, talked, and joked about for a good few hours. He gave me a back rub and unexpectedly, I got turned on. It scared me and I told him instantly to stop. The only problem is that the thoughts had been going on way before this. I had thought about him non stop after every breakup and one night stand. I started finding guys attractive. I started to wonder what it would be like, and that back rub made the thoughts worse. I opened up to my best friend John and told him what was going on. He told me I should experiment and see where it goes. I shrugged it off and blamed it on stress. The thoughts have came back and I'm afraid. I met a girl at work who can see right through me. She, along with multiple other people thought my life, can see that inside, i may be gay. It doesn't bother her and I talk openly to her about the problems. I don't want to accept that I may be since the thoughts last no more than a few hours at a time. But in the back of my mind, I still wonder. She gave me the idea to look at gay porn and i honestly can't bring myself to watch it. I WANT to watch it just to see. I want it to change my mind but I'm terrified. What if it doesn't. What if my thoughts get stronger and my feelings start to change? I need help. I don't know what to do..
have you thought about the fact that you could be bisexual? i know that a lot of people (myself included) think that if they ever have straight feelings then they're straight and they never even think about the possibility of another sexuality until something happens that triggers their feelings. Just something to consider. Also, it sounds like you have some good friends, and i think you should take their advice and just see how it goes. I hope everything works out for you!
Welcome to the forum, I hope it helps you out a lot. One of the reasons why it took so long for me to work out that I was bisexual (pansexual, really, but I prefer the term bisexual) was because I was leaning more towards being straight, but I eventually realised that I wasn't.
I agree with some of the people above, you are probably bisexual but you should definitely take some time to think your sexuality over before you make a decision. Good Luck!
Sounds like Juan is your trigger cash. That person who awakens ideas and feelings you didn't know you had. There's nothing wrong with being gay or bi. Did you like how Juan made you feel? If so, can you contact him to talk? You are going to think about this more and more until you do something about it.
