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Time for introductions I suppose

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by PaintingMeInfinite, Feb 15, 2016.

  1. PaintingMeInfinite

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    Hello.

    I've been on EC for almost a week now, replied with several posts and thought I should probably write an introductory thread. Surely I am not alone in any of this, even not knowing where to start. I suppose present time is the best. I don't think there's any brief way of getting through this so hold on for likely jarring segues and rambling.

    I am 32, married and have two children both young and in school. As of now I might label myself bisexual, though more towards homosexual. Sticking myself in some classification isn't my problem (sort of). I'd say my most pressing issues are being able to accept myself and how to decide where to go in the matter of my marriage. I am grateful in that my wife is extremely supportive of me and in fact accepts me more than I do. This is something a lot of people in this situation do not have, as I have seen here. It was surprising just how many are going through a similar situation.

    My wife wants to try everything to keep our marriage together, I agree that we should try. I question that maybe I want to just to keep up appearances, so I won't ever have to "really" come out. I am unable right now to move out and support myself, which is a factor of why I didn't make the immediate decision to at least move out. Which is actually a good thing, it gives time to think and discuss what is right for our family. Again, I question why I want to move out. Is it just because I want to shirk my parental responsibilities? Do I want to be able to seek out friends, dates and figure out just who I am and what I want? Am I just using sexuality as an excuse/escape route for other issues?

    I think that I will indeed at least move out and eventually end up divorced (which is another moral quandary for me) or merely separated? I also think that it's genuine as this is not a sudden revelation. From the time we first met (a little over a decade ago) I was upfront about having sex with other males and this possibility. Again, she has been accepting and encouraging of this lately. We didn't speak of it much in the years following the birth of our first child and marriage. Then after about 4 or 5 years I started to have major depression issues that have turned in to suicidal behavior. It has certainly taken a toll on my family. I actually did try to come out several times but then dismissed it as "too simple an answer for depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. At least only thoughts up until about an extremely quick six months ago, when I made an attempt and ended up in the hospital.

    This may have been another blessing in disguise as I know that is not what I want, no matter how hard or long a process the alternative is. I am currently taking medication and seeing a therapist. Up until my session last week I didn't address the sexuality issue. I was hoping maybe I could solve the anger, anxiety and depression without that coming into play. I am still slightly in disbelief towards me being gay or bisexual. I feel like that being gay would be an insult towards my parents and the worst thing I could do. This is untrue, as I believe that committing suicide and abandoning my family is the worst thing I could do. Coming out to my parents and the rest of my siblings is something I feel I must do eventually to fully accept myself. This is truly terrifying. I really do question if they'd rather I commit suicide, at least my father.

    I am trying to hope for the best, even though I only see the entire situation as a loss for everyone. I couldn't be more relieved that I found this site. I have been trying to locate support groups in my area with no luck at all. I do attend a depression/anxiety group on a weekly basis which is helpful too. I think this is enough of an introduction for now. I look forward to being a part of this group.
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hi PaintingMeInfinite,

    Welcome to EC :welcome:

    I'm glad that you are getting professional treatment for your depression.

    There is a good chance that your sexuality is a large contributor to your mental health issues. My own experience has been that denying something as fundamental as your sexuality means that you are not building your life on a solid foundation, that you are living for others and their expectations while compartmentalizing your own. Once I was able to get past that and come out, I was finally able to find genuine happiness. While the path to authenticity may seem challenging, the benefits are worth it, and you can get there by breaking things into smaller baby steps.

    I see that you've already discovered the LGBT Later in Life forum, and we're looking forward to hearing more about your story.

    Welcome (&&&)
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Feb 15, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
  3. Adray

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    Hi and welcome!

    Having a therapist helping you is a wonderful asset. I'd encourage you to be honest there, that is a safe setting. Really get it all out. No matter what path you eventually decide to take, talking about it there first will be helpful. They are there to help.

    I would also encourage you to look into your own sexuality and see if you can know it better yourself. Labels may or may not be helpful to you, but in my case, identifying as bi became actually very comforting to me. It explained my feelings. It did take me a long time to come to that conclusion, though I suppose every person is different. Knowing yourself better could help ground you and assist in future pathfinding.

    Welcome!
     
  4. PaintingMeInfinite

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    Any tips, links, or books to suggest on looking into that more? It's hard for me to try and separate feelings and thoughts. I'm mostly ruling out curiosity on the fact that during my teens and very early twenties I had plenty of experience at least with hookups, no real relationships though so there is that.
     
  5. alexandr

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    Hi, welcome to the forum! :slight_smile:
     
  6. Michael

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    Hey, Painting, welcome to EC

    You have a good wife, count her among your blessings, together with your kids. There are many out there who are not that lucky.

    I second Sienna, just open a thread on LGBT Later in Life section when you feel ready. I only know your situation from what you described. Even if we are the same age, I'm not married, but I was on a LTR that only ended as my partner died. All I know is that I would have very much wanted a separation than a divorce, unless one of us decided to marry someone else, I think it's the best for both, specially since the relationship is good, and I see no need for lawyers and the rest. A separation can work very well on a practical level, and life is also about practical stuff.

    I feel you, even if my main issue has been about my gender, I went through dark periods of depression and even suicidal thoughts. We can't pretend we are not who we are for long, and sexuality is a part of who we are too.

    I hope you can find here support. I can tell you for myself, the people here is fantastic, and so are the mods and admins.

    Stay with us...
     
  7. DougTheBicycle

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    Welcome to the Family! (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)


    The flu is going around, so make sure you drink plenty of O.J. and slaughter anyone who sneezes near you.
     
  8. SamuelA

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    Welcome to EC!
     
  9. LizSibling13

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    Welcome to EC, Painting...