Ever since I was little I was told that being gay was wrong. I never even saw a same sex couple until I was in eighth grade. My whole life I guess I just kinda assumed I was straight. I had my first crush on a guy when I was in fourth grade but I remember looking at girls from the age of 6 or 7 and thinking "wow she's really pretty!" I told my mom that I thought girls were pretty and she told me that I wanted to be like them so I started to imitate these girls that I liked. But that wasn't me. Looking back I definitely didn't want to be like these girls. Fast forward to middle school and I still had a crush on the same guy. My parents were strong Christians and pushed their faith on me so I was homophobic (which I still feel horrible about) and was sure I was straight. When I got to highschool I had a crush on another guy and I've always fantasied about guys. But in my whole life I have only liked three or four guys. I have never liked a guy I've seen on tv and when I look at a guy I've never said "wow he's hot" I've only ever liked guys once I got to know them. In the last two years I've stopped following my parents Christian ideas and i finally stopped thinking that gay people were "unnatural" around that same time I noticed that I looked a girls way more than guys and I've gotten crushes on girls I've talked to only a few times. Around eight months ago I stared to question my sexuality (age 15) about 8 moths ago. At first I thought that having sex with a girls was gross yet at the same time I was intrigued. Now I can't imagine having sex with a guy. I like this one girl (i think) but the crushes I've had on girls are never to the same extent that I used to have on guys. I started watching oitnb a couple weeks ago and was turned on and had a crush on five of the inmates and could imagine being with them. (That never happened with guys) When I first questioned my sexuality I thought I only liked girls a little but now I only like guys a little and can't see having sex with one. I feel like I'm on a train becoming gayer and gayer by the second but I still doubt my sexuality. The emotional part with girls seems wierd like I could see my self dating a girl but not being romantic. (I'm not a very romantic person so that could be it) I wonder if I made myself gay (which I know sounds ignorant and ridiculous) because I liked the gay community so much. Also I never liked girls before 15 but I liked guys but now I don't (I think) I feel like I'm going crazy Am I straight? Bi? Gay?
Welcome to EC. I'm new here too and sort of in the same boat. I also had a pretty conservative upbringing and considered homosexuality morally wrong but have felt attracted to some guys as far back as I can remember. Whatever you are - straight, bi, gay - it's just what is and it's fine. Hope you find the answers you're looking for and come to accept and be happy with who you are.
I was in the same boat as both you two, I was raised by my mum who said that bisexuals dont exist, only people who are confused. So I spent my whole teenage years fustrated at the fact I love women and I prefer them much more sexualy then men... But at the same time I've had like 100 boyfriends and no girlfriends so I didnt go with my true feelings and told myself I was either streight or lesbian but I couldnt make up my mind. Eventualy I figured, it dosnt matter what you are. You dont have to tell anyone, you dont have to give it a name. Your young, explore what you like and until the answer comes to you, you can save a lot of time by not looking for it.
You aren't becoming gayer. Just more self aware, and what ever you discover yourself to be is awesome. I spent time convincing myself I'm straight. But, you will have an ah ha moment where it clicks, and you just know who you are. It will still be tough because then you'll have to figure out how to verbalize it, but don't worry...clarity will come. I think the anxious search for an answer will create chatter that will stop you from hearing your answer.
