Newb

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Meagan, I am currently living in Anchorage, AK however I am originally from Oklahoma. If I had to identify my sexuality I guess it would be bisexual although I often think about women more, I guess I am still kind of confused when it comes to my sexuality..I was married to a man for 6 years, the only man I had ever been with (seriously) and the man I lost my heterosexual virginity to. Previous to my marriage I was in relationships with women through out my teenage years, I was in a relationship with a girl named Amanda on and off for 4 years. I consider Amanda to have been my first real love; although I loved my husband and thought that I may have been in love with him, Amanda always was in the back of my mind, I did not want to be homosexual or bisexual, I wanted to be straight. Although my family accepted me for who I was, I was still scared of how others would treat me outside of my wonderful family so after I married I proclaimed myself to be "straight" and what I had done in my teenage youth had been merely a phase.

My marriage to Eugene was rocky, we married young I was 20 and he was 19, he was in the US Army, and I had traveled with him to Fort Bragg NC. I wasn't living in NC longer than 6 months when he was shipped off to Afghanistan, it was then I decided to move back to Oklahoma during the duration of his 12 month deployment. I was out with some friends at a bar in my home town one night in February 2008, when I say Amanda walk through the door with a group of her friends. I instantly remember my stomach dropping and instantly disengaging in any conversation I was having, and it seemed like the world and time had stopped right then. She did not see me at first, but after about 5 minutes of her entering the bar she looked to her left and our eyes locked on each other like the first time we had ever met. I smiled and excused myself from the table I was sitting at to go and say hello. I went up and gave her what was supposed to be a friendly hug although I think I was in her arms for a good 60 seconds, and withing those 60 seconds all of the warm butterfly feelings entered my body again, and she still smelled like she did in the past, like armani perfume and a hint of cigarette smoke. She got a beer and we went outside to smoke and catch up. We must have talked for an hour before my friends finally pulled me away. I said my goodbyes with another long hug.... After that night once again I could not stop thinking of her, I felt so guilty, I didn't want to think about her, I was just recently married and i've ALWAYS been a faithful person. A couple of weeks went by and I still had her on my mind, so finally I decided to call her (hoping that the number I had for her was no longer her number), she answered, I invited her over to my mothers house to just hang out, when she arrived it was like nothing in the world mattered to me anymore, it was like I was suddenly back to where I was when we first hung out at the age of 14... I remember after a few laughs and reminiscing, we kissed.... I wanted more, I wanted to feel her again, but she said no because she didn't think it was right being that I was married. I remember that really pissing me off, I told her just to leave... After that I felt so guilty because she was right... and I knew if things had went any further I would have really let Eugene down, and not to mention myself. I didn't hear anything from Amanda after that.

2014 was the year that flipped my life upside down, Eugene and I were got stationed here in Anchorage, AK. Needless to say our marriage was on the verge of breaking, but we still wanted to work things out or at least I did because by this point I really loved Eugene and our marriage meant everything to me. He has been unfaithful a couple of times at this point and I was doing everything that I could think of to save our marriage. March 20th I came home from work to find Eugene sitting on our couch...He told me that he needed to talk to me, so confused, I sat down next to him...He turned toward me, looked me in the eye, and told me that he wants a divorce. I instantly fell to my knees and begged him not to do this to me, and to us. Eugene is one of those people that when his mind is made up, well there is no changing his decision. He stated that he could no longer continue to hurt me or the marriage and that he just wanted to be alone...Come to find out after he ditched me up here in Alaska that the "alone" part was not true but that he decided he wanted to be with this other woman. I struggled for about 6 months, I mean REALLY struggled, I was out partying almost every weekend, sleeping around with men, and basically starving myself because I would literally get ill every time I would go to eat something. I felt utterly betrayed...

Fast forward to 2015, I was working on myself, I had enrolled in school to become a medical assistant, and was finally looking into maybe dating again...I went on a few dates with some really nice men, and a couple of weird men, but didn't feel that spark or really anything at all. So I decided to just kind of put dating on the back burner, it wasn't until the end of that year that I started thinking of Amanda again... So I decided to look her up on Facebook, I found her.... And a picture of her and her girlfriend who she had been with at this point for a good 3 years. I tried to reach out to her a couple of times, yet she hasn't responded. I am happy for her, she looks happy, but I still wish sometimes that it was me instead of her girlfriend. Unfortunately there isn't much of a lesbian community up here in Alaska... I don't know where I am going with my story, I am just sort of rambling now. Looking to make new friends I guess..lol thanks for taking the time to read this mini novel.



-Meagan

 

Thanks you guys for the kind words and empathy. I am still trying to figure myself out, and I am 27 years old. I am glad that some of you could relate.