Muslim&Lesbian in love

I know exactly how you feel. I'm Sikh and 21 and it's the whole shame thing and the fact that we will probably end up getting disowned if we are out. But, I have a little more time than you as although there have been marriage talks, I have managed to put them off. My question is, are you financially secure to make that leap and come out? We are both on this site, so it's pretty sure that one day we just want to come out and love who we want to love. You need to decide whether you can live with shaming the family or if you can continue to live a false life. But if you choose to marry this man, would it be selfish of you to potentially stop him from finding someone who can actually love him? It's something I debate a lot in my head. The limited options we have, and the fact that there isn't really a positive option. We need to choose the option that is less lethal to us. So, someone can tell you that everything will be ok but the truth is it won't be. You have to decide which option you can live with. But who knows in the long distance future things could get better

 

Yeah lol. It is about the visa. But who knows he could actually fall in love along the lines. I think that probably makes it harder too. Because when I play a conversation out in my head with my mum, I can imagine her saying it's not about love. Love has nothing to do with marriage. So it's hard to come out when they don't have that concept of love. How do we explain? But yeah it is easier said then done. My LGBT friends tell me that I should just leave because I keep going round in circles with my sexuality. But one day, we both have to face it before we destroy our lives for good. Like, I personally am doing anything and everything to avoid coming out. I've told my family that I was thinking about going back to university so I have a couple of years extra to not deal with marriage, because I'm next in line. You can really feel it in your stomach. But yeah it definitely is easier said than done. But life is hard! And we have to face it sooner or later. But the biggest risk I think is the fact that we could be giving up our entire family for that tiny possibility of love and happiness which is not guaranteed with coming out. Also, we could potentially face violence from our families and also we have been brought up with the knowledge that all that is expected from us is marriage. To someone who our parents agree to or choose. I sometimes feel as though as a girl I was moulded to be broken and just obey the family. So it is hard to rebel and the guilt is unbearable at times.

 

Hi, welcome to the forum!

 

Yeah, you may have to runaway essentially and abandon everything. But it's like you will always be looking over your shoulder. Like I know a few women who have ended up in refuges for other crazy stereotypical Asian reasons. And a woman who has had to move a couple of times after her family found her. I think we have been dealt really bad hands in life. I take it your sister knows? My sister found out and she's made it really restrictive for me, she even tries to stop me from seeing friends

 

Re: What would you do if you were me?

This is a very sad situation, and I'm sorry you have to go through all this stress. I am not a muslim, but I grew up in a religion very similar and understand how hard it can be to go against your family, when they're deemed so important in it, especially when your family reminds you of it. Still, I don't know if they're the type to preach religion to you, like saying "Allah would dislike this" or "Allah would dislike that". Again, I don't know if they're like that, but just from the fact you haven't told them that you love a woman, I'm guessing they wouldn't be supportive? That must hurt, and I'm really sorry.

What advice I can give you is... Please, consider your options. I have talked to countless men and women who have been disowned or shamed for things like this, and I know it would hurt if that happened to you, but you can't live for them. I was very close to my godmother, who practically raised me since I was five. For the longest time, I believed I could live as a woman just for her, and I tried. In the end, it failed, but before I could tell her about who I was, she passed away. I'm sure looking back on it that she would've accepted me, but my silence and her leukemia ruined my chances of telling her. I think my mom told her before she passed. I'm not sure. In either case, I should have been the one to tell her, whether she'd have accepted me or not- but enough about me. You get the point of that story, right? You need to live your life the way YOU want to. I came from a very "shaming" religion- If I had came out as trans to the other religious members, they would have laughed. I actually did tell one woman, and she just pointed at me and said "Unless you have a dick, you're a woman." I no longer go there, thank god.

I don't suggest you come out immediately unless you have to, of course, but you should definitely tell them that you don't want to get married. If you're financially stable, you should move out if things become too hostile after that. Things may or may not, but just remember that they can't force you to marry anyone, and the UK won't force you to marry anyone either. Maybe I'm being too opinionated, but I've seen what forced or pressured marriages have done to people, especially when the one being pressured loves somebody else. Often, the marriages end or get really unpleasant, and I don't want to see you living that kind of life. It's not like I know you, but as one human interacting with another, I care for you. ^_^ That makes sense, right? Sometimes I write things that don't make sense to a lot of people. I can't force you to do anything, but I DEFINITELY suggest calling off the marriage. You can wait to do everything else, but the sooner the date of the marriage gets, the more difficult it will be to sway your family's opinion. You might never sway their opinion actually- I don't know them, so I can't tell you, but even if you don't, you have to be as clear as you can that you won't marry a strange man you barely know.

Does your, erm, is it okay if I say girlfriend? I don't know what you'd call her. Well, does she know about the arranged marriage? If you don't call off the wedding, maybe it'd be best to at least tell her you're getting married... Still, I don't think you should get married. Family is important, but family can hardly be called that when they're trying to force you to marry somebody you don't even know. It also concerns me that they barely let you go anywhere without their permission. I understand that certain cultures are more overbearing, but honestly, I don't think there's any excuse for not letting you walk freely on your own. You're a human, and an adult one at that! It's sad to see all of this happen to you, but the only real way to stop it is to stand up for yourself. I really hope everything works out, okay? This is a good community, so if you need help, we're here for you! (*hug*)

 

You are not property to be handed over to a man for his use and your British passport. You have rights as a British citizen.
I'm assuming you are in the UK?
Personally, I would be getting the hell out of there. It would not be you bringing shame on your family. They would be bringing it on themselves for using you as a commodity to be traded.
And I would be saying this regardless of whether you are gay or straighter anywhere in between. You are no one's property. Make sure you have plenty of cash, and disappear.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation.

I wonder if, like StilliRise, you're at university. Or whether you have a job. I'm just thinking if you are already doing or could start doing some less traditional things that don't threaten your parents' sensibilities, this would somehow demonstrate to them your independence. And as you become more independent in their eyes, you could introduce the idea that you will not be marrying this fellow. And then that you will not participate in any arranged marriage and then ultimately in any relationship with a man.

Depending on your family dynamic, this could take a while but if you set yourself a plan, you could keep the ball rolling towards what you really want in life. For yourself. Not anyone else.

 

Hi and welcome to the forums. Your story with your SO is endearing and sweet and I wish you all the luck!

You have rights. Your body is yours and yours alone. You can talk to British authorities and consider your options.

 

Hi and welcome!

Sometimes it is necessary to break traditions and move culture forward for the welfare and equality of everyone. I encourage you to consider your options and do what is right for you, not for some tradition. It doesn't sound like an arranged marriage is right for you.

I understand that there are challenges involved in breaking with traditions or family expectations. But you should also consider that you are a free adult person, a British citizen with the same rights as any man. And it may not seem like it right now, but you are at a decision point that could get more difficult rather than easier with time. Particularly if you marry some stranger and have kids with him, doing what's in your heart later becomes even harder.

You don't necessarily have to have all the answers right now, but I agree with the others who advise putting off the arranged marriage.

I wish you strength and much love.