So deep in the closet I was finding Christmas presents...

Months back, my mom said, in passing, that she knew, deep down, I wasn't happy. I brushed her off and got defensive and forgot about it. Well, claimed to forget about it...

I thought and thought about it. Why had I let my weight get out of control like I had? Why'd I spent so many years depressed? Why'd I not like myself?

I'm turning 30 this year, and I needed to know. Well, deep down I knew.

I knew something was "off" when I was in fourth grade. It was a passing thought, more than anything. But I didn't know you could like boys and girls!

By the time I did, I was getting bullied at the Catholic school I was going to. High school should've been a time for me to explore, but I got busy between struggling with a then-undiagnosed learning disorder, a sick relative, and a sibling's life going off the rails.

The relative passed away when I was in college, and I was struggling in school, and then it was *my* turn to get depressed. I basically shut myself off from the world for years, but I did manage to land a boyfriend.

Three and a half years and I didn't have to question myself and it was grand. I knew who I was! I had a boyfriend, go me!

But the relationship fell through. It wasn't a complete bust, though. I got my life on track with great friends, great family, and a career I adore. So I finally had time to think about things... And I came to the conclusion that while I love my LGBT friends (who are, honestly, about 80% of my friends), it was also a part of myself that I'd hidden away.

A lot of the bullying stemmed around me not seeming to like guys, as well as gay rumors. The LAST thing I wanted to do was prove people who made my life hell right. I'd also seen more distant relatives of mine get told by their parents that they would rather see them dead than gay or bi. These were relatives that had grown up loving me... And they'd really have rather seen me dead, too?

So I hid it away for a lot of years, but I know, deep down, my family knew. I denied being gay or liking women so vehemently that when I DID come out, last night, to my mother, who is seriously a saint, that she was wondering where the hell it had even COME from.

I was shaking when I finally told her. I told her that I'd hated myself for a long time for years and I was learning to not anymore. We were on the way home from a concert together--I tried to tell her the whole time, but this was in a part of Florida where Confederate flags still flap in the breeze freely, so I was terrified someone would overhear us and we'd have to make a run for it.

I knew my mom wasn't going to kick me out. She's one of the only people who still supported all of my relatives when they came out (and it's a LOT of relatives. 3/4 of my grandmother's grandkids. I don't know who was in the closet before us, but the gene ran STRONG in them). She tried to calm me down by taking selfies with me and then hugging me. She told me that she's just concerned I'm trying to be something I'm not, and again it's going back to how much I denied it over the years. But it's only because I didn't like that about myself. She says nothing's different, that she just wants me happy...

And I want to talk to her about it more, but at the same time, I still want things to stay the same... She did reassure me that I wasn't disowned, BUT that my ass wasn't off the line on getting married/giving her grandchildren.

Well, now I'm trying to like me. I got myself out of a job that I was starting to dislike, I dumped the boyfriend that was too immature for me, I bought myself some furniture, got back in touch with projects and hobbies I like, and am looking to finally lose the weight.

I'm still really freaked out about all of this. I'm excited, but I'm anxious, too. I'm glad I can finally tell myself what I am in the mirror. I FEEL lighter as a person. I'm excited that there's a whole other bunch of dating prospects for me. I think I'm all still taking it in that people actually KNOW after I spent almost twenty years hiding it away.

That got a lot longer than I meant it to. Sorry :\ I'm gonna go lay down now. This took a lot out of me. Thanks for reading my vent, guys.