I want to want her

My name is mike and this may or may not be first and last time I try to reach out.

I screwed up my life when at a young age when I became fascinated with the male anatomy, I cant go in to how I became fascinated that’s a whole other horrifying story. Anyway over the years I tried to hide this with a few experiments here and there and a whole lot of alcohol. I met my Girl when we were just young 22 years old, me a hopeless alcoholic and her in need of love, we both fell in love and I cleaned up my act, though we have never married, together we brought up a son who is now 20 years old and doing well for himself, he was 2 years old when I met my girl and we have been a family ever since.

But....

Sex for me and my girl died only 2 years in to our relationship, both of us not just me or not just her. She kept blaming it on her low libido and so did I.
But the truth is as time has moved on Imy desire for the physical attention of men has grown. Luckily she shows no desire toward a physical relationship with me, I know thats a terrible thing to say but its true, I love her very much but honestly I cant even find gay or straight porn on any of her devices, I truly feel it is just as she says, "a Libido thing".

But as I said I can’t and don’t complain as my desire towards homosexuality has matured and grown in to a grinding desire for love on a whole different level not just physical, and this was my greatest fear, for the desire to turn in to more then just a physical but now an emotional desire in my heart to be looked at and desired by another to be treated like I am desirable, but by another man. I feel like I would probably fall in love with such a guy. where as the thought of love with a man was before repulsive. Know I think its what I desire more then sex and that worry's me.

I have tried to press it down some 30 odd years now. I have even used religion to try and crush my desires but all religion has done is convict me and have me despising myself even more with an increasing fear of God and of punishment in Hell.

So I still drink to kill the pain, it seems to work best, but I know I am barely alive and I feel like I am waiting for death to finally end it, and if it wernt for a fear of hell I would probably have rushed it by now.

I am 40 this year and my last enjoyable sexual encounter was back in 1995 with a man long before I met my girl. I love my Girl but I want to want her I want to desire her and live a normal existence. I have looked for love outside of our relationship but I have luckily never found what I was looking for because although our relationship is sexually dead I could never cheat on her. I cant say I love you and then cheat, I think I would die if I did.

I love my girl but I desire a man and I cant have both. I don’t know if Im gay but its become a monster in my life and I know Im not straight. I am beyond lost and I am getting older and I have been carrying this since I reached puberty and Im getting tired, really really tried. I dont know how much longer I can be alone.

Thanks guys for reading this far I know you didnt ask,
Anyway this is my story there’s a lot left out but I think you get the picture.

Much Love

 

Thanks guys that means a lot to me