Hi

Hello,

So I'm at a bit of a loss for what to start with, so I'm just gonna start typing and see what happens.

I am a 19 year-old college student who up until 2015 year had at least some sort of confidence in their identity. I had grown up in a very Catholic, conservative space and had usually done what was expected of me. In kind of a stereotypical fashion, I attended Catholic school for ten years, went to an all-male Catholic high school that advocated well-intentioned but highly patriarchal values, and fit into the nice Catholic boy stereotype. I devoted myself entirely to my work, tried to become the ~perfect student~, and kinda shut out everything else that wasn't conducive to that path. I never had a relationship, never had a real crush, and never even had my first kiss.

I was also an actor, and through theater I met many gay and lesbian artists whom I often did high school productions with. Theater also introduced me to drag. I had done two productions in high school in which I played a character in drag, mostly because I was the only one open to it. I continued to do drag when I got to college. Mostly it was within a theatrical context, but there were a series of "sexual liberation" parties I went to with friends where I wore varying degrees of makeup and sometimes dresses. Looking back it seemed a bit appropriative, especially since I had not personally identified with drag culture, but at the time it was fun and freeing.

The best way to explain the next part is that, honestly, I had thought nothing of my crossdressing habit, until, well, I started thinking about it. I started to question why I enjoyed drag so much, why I wanted so badly to wear makeup and dresses, why I sucked so much at masculinity, etc. I realized I was the only person I knew doing this, and felt like something must be wrong with me. I had this terrible period of depression and thoughts of suicide, and started going to a therapist. They didn't help and ended up just putting me on medication that I really didn't think I needed. I eventually tried to shut all of this out, telling myself, "You are a MAN. And you just need to grow up." Safe to say that reasoning didn't work for long, lol.

In addition to the fact that my gender is literally a mess, I did end up having my first kiss in college with one of my best male friends. We were both highly intoxicated so I don't know how legitimate/consensual it was, but it happened. Ever since then, I have been trying to figure out just where I lie on the spectrum of, well, everything. I am physically attracted to women, but that does not mean I haven't had fantasies about men and non-binary people I've met. I'm just really trying to sort out my feelings, and honestly typing this has really helped.

As of right now, I identify as a fairly femme-y man/androgyne who is probably bisexual, but more than anything I'm questioning. EVERYTHING. I'm so grateful to have a space where I can put all my thoughts and feelings out there. Happy to meet all of you <3

 

I'm so happy to hear that someone else loves theatre, too! And I totally relate to the interiority link. Sometimes I feel like I'm not super connected with my emotions, but give me a good play and the feels just start pouring out. It's so wonderful!