Double edge sword

Hello everyone,

I am glad that this resource exists. I have had gay feelings since age six. In my culture (African American) these feelings are unacceptable. There is a history of abuse (verbal and physical) in my family a lot of family feuds. I have always thought that my coming out would only create more problems. My mother and sisters are very accepting of LGBT and they have LGBT friends but I have not come out to them because of the awkwardness rather than fear. My older brothers have detected I am gay, and have said homophobic comments and bullied me. In school, particularly high school I have always been quiet (as a result of the abuse I witnessed and experienced). I have severe social anxiety and fear of rejection and it is affecting normal healthy relationships. As of today I have no close friends. I fell out of contact with all of them after becoming homeless, and I have had little interest in forming close relationships after being betrayed over and over even by family members. I believe my closetedness is the root cause of my social anxiety and severe depression, but at the same time I think coming out would risk damaging my relationship with my family that I do have.