Hey all, As of now I'm a 23-years-old pre-transition transgender girl, having recently taken my first steps out of the closet, now I'm fighting intense battles for recognition in my internal personality and preferred pronouns, and fierce battles against my unbearably painful gender dysphoria, swallowing me whole some days and making me cry miserably for help. I've never been able to fit into my assigned gender-roles, my earliest social memories from the very beginning of school are being an outcast, an unsettling "weirdo" among the boys with a girly set of interests and personality, ever unable and resistant to live up to male expectations, never fitting in, never being "right". I'd love to have been teamed with the girls, and I've always been a thousand times closer to them in emotions and empathy, but I was dressed as a boy and taught as a boy, I was out of chance, out of choice. 10 years ago I've found out about transgenderism, and the more research I've done, the more I've seen myself reflected in the descriptions. I vaguely tried coming out at home back then, but I wasn't neither ready nor strong enough to endure, and I miserably failed, into a decade of further denial, locked into a closet of fear, worry and anxiety. Then, as my dysphoria became life-threatening, my closet exploaded. I couldn't take it anymore, I was in excrutiating pain, I had to do something or else dire fate was nearing inevitable. In emergency I looked for support, by every means I could. Since then, I'm having basic counseling, and a few select soulmates whom are all I'm out to right now. Pressure is building up again, though, and it's pushing me to come out to my family and close friends, because I'm exhausted of <insert male name here>, of "he/him", of "son", and any other male-related terms and references and pronouns. I'm very sure that I'm trans, that I'm nothing else but female inside, but (at least, for now) I depend on my parents financially, because I keep failing every job due to my...expression. I am here to be part of a helpful community, to find the support I've been looking for and help from others having possibly walked the same path, to finally find my strength and chance to start living as the female person I've deep inside always been.
Thank you! ^-^ P.S. to my O.P.: My mood is like a sinus wave; once up, once down. When I really hit my lowest, it really helps more than anything to have someone to write my clouds out to.
