Hello. I needed to vent, and I stumbled across this site, so, here goes nothing. I've been having a rough time for quite a while now, I tried denying I am a lesbian for years, but I got really tired of it, and finally ''accepted'' myself. It didn't help much. The thing is, nobody else knows, and it makes me feel quite isolated, to be honest. The girl I loved for several years, left me, and I haven't spoken to her for about a year now, and it was so difficult to go through a heartbreak without being able to tell anyone. I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed all day, but I had to get up and pretend like everything was fantastic, when in reality, I wanted to break down every second of the day. I spent months like this, but despite the hell I was in, I managed to get good grades, keep my social life, keep my makeup good-looking and my smile. This is probably the most accurate representation of myself at the moment as well, but the past weeks, my smile has been missing, I can't be bothered to do my makeup good and I am not spreading any positive vibes anymore, and for that I feel guilty, because I am lucky, I have a family and food on the table, but the world is tearing me down, and depression makes it all seem bleak and hopeless. My ex is with another girl now, I believe, so things worked out for her, and for that I am happy, even though she really hurt me. When I finally, after months of depression, managed to get over her, I got a crush on this girl at my school. This kept me going, and I started smiling again, gaining crushes from other people, new friends and basically a will to live my life to the fullest. Today I found out that this lovely girl has a boyfriend, and as stupid as I am, I thought the feeling might be mutual. I felt quite crazy, actually, when I found out she had a boyfriend, because I felt like there were so many signs of her liking me back, even though I never showed a trace of interest. So, for the last 7 months I have been thinking about her, and invested a lot of my time on this. Obsessing, really. I never made a move, and that's probably for the best, but now I feel alone and lost. I really loved her, even though I didn't know her too well. I guess this is a desperate attempt at finding someone to talk to about stuff. I have a best friend who knows I like girls, and she is totally accepting, because she is bisexual herself. She has a boyfriend though, and even though I care about all of my friends and enjoy spending time with them, I feel disconnected and depressed because they all talk about their boyfriends or their cute crushes, and I can never relate. Even my guy-friends, talk about hookups with girls and their love-life, and I feel so alone. People keep asking me to go on dates, and my friends are constantly pressuring me to find a guy, always talking about how they have a friend who has a brother, you know, stuff like that. I'm only 17, turning 18 this year, but I have spiraled into this really dark hole, and this time, I don't know if I will make it up again. I see no point anymore. I'm too afraid of what people will think, I'm still in love with this girl I barely know, and I can't seem to get my mind off her, I know nobody like me and I am developing hatred towards myself. I am literally disgusted. Not because of me being gay, I mean, I can't do anything about it, but the fact is that everything always goes wrong and nobody ever loves me the way I love them, and it's really messing me up. Even though I am not to keen on coming out, if I really loved someone, and they loved me back, I think it all would work itself out. At this point I have nobody though, romantically speaking. All my teenage-years have been spent struggling with my identity and love that this world does not accept. I know there are accepting people, and that in 2016, being a lesbian is not such a big deal, especially where I live. That doesn't matter though, I still am grieving over the fact that I will not be able to have a normal life, with a husband and kids. I despise myself for being this way, falling for people I can't have, having people leave me because they are scared of what people might think, and most of all, getting my hopes up, and finally not caring, then being let down again. I feel so desperately alone. I feel like I will never find people to relate to, because mentally I have drifted so far away from my friends, even though they might not notice. I'm just really sad. It's the hardest thing to admit, because I want to be this ray of sunshine that always smiles, and lately the smile has been fading away. I've gotten to a point where I am contemplating ending it all. I don't want to tell anyone about my struggles irl, because I don't want to upset them, or make them think I am in a bad place. Also, my childhood was quite rocky, and my mom has always been sick, so I guess I am sad about that as well, and if I told my family the way I felt, they would probably blame themselves for me being so sad. I feel really bad today and this is probably stupid, but I needed to get it out. I hope nobody else feels the way I feel at the moment. Whoever is reading this, if you really took the time to read it all, thank you.
Welcome ^^ And thank you for sharing your story. You'll make good friends here who can help you through this.
Thank you for posting. You're not alone. Many others have similar struggles. Remember that the girls who you thought might have similar feelings might also just be afraid of coming out. I often wonder if I came put earlier if I'd have more connections to similar people. There's always far more many reasons to keep going than to end it. There's more than 1 way to have a family, so there's no need to grieve a loss of that in the future. My coworker and her wife just had a beautiful baby boy with a donor. Be true to yourself and you will eventually find your place.
