We are married for nearly 12yrs and I love him deeply. Until recently I have always pushed these feeling away and believed that he was not gay. Then about a year ago I developed a crush on a man at work a man I would never usually be attracted to older, different beliefs, basically not my type. My best friend suggested there must be something wrong with my husband and I for this to happened and for a long time i denied it to myself. We have 3 children a beautiful home. My reasons are mulitiple 1. our sex life has never been very passionate not like I experience with other partners - even our first kiss seemed some how off. But i ignore these signs cause he was soo kind and handsome and stable and I was coming from a very unstable place. I felt safe 2. Now our sex life is pretty good but it mostlly down to the fact that he loves oral sex and i am good at it - when it goes to full sex he often can not come 3. Another reason is he is far more handsome than any other guy i ever went out with - which made me suspicious from the start he always tells me i am beautiful etc but really i am ok - i do look very like my brothers 4. He is bi-polar and has no friends - expect for friends he met through me. I think both of these could be because he can not admit that he is gay - it would not fit in with the way he was brought up and the rural area we live in. At least not 20yrs ago - now its different 5. He watchs a lot of porn 6. One of my closest friends is gay and is getting married soon and when we have discussed it he has said that he 100% not attracted to me. I am a straight woman but I would never go as far as to say 100% I don't know if anyone will read this - but it has helped to type it out because today is the first time i have fully faced up to my fears. I love him totally weather he is gay or not but if he is i want him to live a full life and not hide behind our marriage which is what i am afraid he is doing. Also i don't know how to bring this up to him because if i am wrong it will really upset him and if i am right it will really upset him thank you
Hi, and welcome. First I can understand the fears you have. No one wants to be in a marriage where their feelings aren't reciprocated. The true answer to your question can only come from your husband. From what you describe, I'm not seeing a long list of warning signs; lots of men watch porn, many straight men aren't all that passionate about sex; many men have difficulty making true friends; and there are plenty of very handsome men who are straight. So none of these, to me, are red flags that he's gay. Now.. if the porn he watches is mostly gay porn, that's a different issue. But outside of that, I'm not seeing anything that would be a strong indicator for me. As for your best friend's advice... I think it's crap. I do think it would be sensible for you and your husband to go to therapy so that the two of you can openly discuss the issues that are going on for you and work to try and resolve them. If he is having feelings for men, going to therapy will likely help him to better understand himself and get the help he needs... but in any case, I think your first step is to work on better communication with him.
Wow that is really great advise - thank you - I didn't expect anyone to come back to me. You answered all my points, it made me realise that i have a lot of sterotypes for straight men and gay men.
There's nothing in here that makes me think gay. All of these things can happen to straight men for various reasons.
