I'm a 33 year old Queer guy with (managed) bipolar and don't know what to do.

Hello, my name is AshtrayHeart.

I'm a 33 year old American guy (Born and raised in the USA) and have had a really, REALLY crazy life. I don't want to get into too much detail, but I've battled mental health and addiction issues for most of my life, along with coming to terms with being Queer after 17 years of catholic church and school telling me that gay people were evil. My 20's were spent with pill addiction, alcohol addiction, and sex addiction.

I am almost three years clean and have really rebounded. I went back to school two years ago to a community college and did so well that I have a full ride to a state university where I will be majoring in psychology. I really want to go all the way to Doctorate level!!! I also play guitar, sing, and am working on my second LP. I have an amazing family and support system and am very blessed to have been given a second chance at life.

The reason that I am here is that I'm not sure what to do about my sexuality. I came out as Queer about 6 years ago to my family and some friends, and my family was not too happy about it. Due to that, I never talked about it and it was just kind of swept under the rug. I like all sexes, however I've only dated women my entire life. I have messed around with some guys, but as far as relationships go (including a failed marriage), they have all been standard straight monogamous relationships with women.

I was raised Catholic and in High School I knew I wasn't straight, but I didn't want to come out because it was VERY frowned upon. I had enough of a hard time in school as it was and I just didn't date at all. I had crushes on some guys, but I was too scared to do anything. When I got out of high school, I got into my first relationship with a girl and it just seemed easier to date women because of straight relationship privilege.

I've dated over a dozen women since I was 18, many were long term, monogamous, relationships, and one failed marriage, but only my last girlfriend knew I was queer. She was ok with it. She was an amazing person, but the relationship didn't work out and, after taking at least the rest of the year off from dating, I want to take this opportunity to finally explore my queer side.

There are problems with this however. I am living with my parents as I can only work part time while going to school full time. I don't want to take out loans and it's going to take about 7 years to get my undergrad, grad, and doctorate degrees. I LOVE my parents and they are so awesome, but my mother is not cool with the fact that I am queer. My sister and other family members are also homophobic and it would cause so much strife if I ever came home with a guy. Part of me wants to go move out by taking the loan options, maybe next summer, but I am so scared to leave.

I've had my own house (lost it in the recession) and lived with various partners for short to long periods of time. They all ended horribly and I am a really tough person to live with sometimes. While I am doing everything I can to treat my bipolar, I still say really crappy things to people sometimes - mostly when I don't have space and am tired. I can filter this in school and work, but at home I am usually not as able to filter the things I say. My parents don't care and know that I have a condition and are just super proud of me for getting back to school and working again.

I am trying everything I can to be a better person. I go to NA/AA meetings daily, see a therapist 2-3 times a month, have a really good psychologist (have had the same meds for over two years and they work really well with NO sexual side effects!), have a good group of supportive friends, but the bipolar disorder seems to always mess things up. I'm also afraid of getting into another relationship. My previous partners loved that I am really extroverted, have a high sex drive, high energy, and all of the positive parts of bipolar disorder but couldn't deal with the lows of bipolar.

I realize how blessed I am to have this opportunity to go back to school and do what I've always wanted to do. I just don't want to spend the next 7 years either alone or just having friends with benefits.

So yea, this is where I'm at right now. Hello everyone, I hope to have a good time here!

 

Thanks! Any specific forum on EC that I should go to next?