Hello :)

I will be 34 this year and after all this time, I finally have a word for what I feel inside: 'Bigender' or 'Genderqueer'. What do I do with this information? How do I go forward? Is this normal? Am I alone? Have I finally lost my mind?

Those questions led me here, looking for support from others who may understand. I've been married for a decade to a wonderful man (I'm female by birth) and throughout this time I have maintained my attraction to other females. I have always known I was bisexual. Even in grade school I knew I liked both boys and girls but what I didn't understand is why I never felt right in my own body. Even now I can look in the mirror and not truly recognize who I see looking back at me, although the realization of bigender has changed that a bit. I now see both sides when I look at myself. Before I would see myself desperately trying to look feminine and failing but all the while I didn't look masculine enough to be male either. Neither gender by itself ever fit me and I remember feeling that as far back as fourth grade; that feeling of dysphoria about my body.

I told my husband and he seems to be okay with the revelation as it doesn't change me from who I've always been. He fell in love with me, not my gender, as he put it. I've told my best friend and his response was similar in that it changed nothing of how he viewed me. I hesitate to even think of broaching the topic with my mom. She's bisexual herself and pretty open minded but how would she handle her daughter being not entirely her daughter? My stepdad wouldn't get it. I know that much. He wouldn't care but he wouldn't understand either. My uncle, who is gay, would probably write it off as another of my 'mental issues' as I am diagnosed with a grab bag of random insanity. I really don't think this is related to them though as my bipolar disorder and anxiety didn't manifest until my teenage years and then were exacerbated by PTSD...

I guess what I hope to find in this place are people who understand this sensation and the uncertainty that comes with it. Perhaps, with time, I'll be comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.

 

Thank you guys for the welcome ^_^ As I lurk about, I see more and more similar confusion and dysphoria and I feel a little less alone.