Hi Everyone, I was on this site a few years ago and met some great people but for some reason I decided to go further into the closet and cut any ties to anything remotely close to my true self. Recently I've distanced myself from anyone that has tried to get close to me for fear that they might find out the truth. I'm now at the stage where I just work and keep to myself most of the time and its starting to bring me down. So, I like to consider myself a positive person, however it's getting harder and harder each day. I'm looking for support and people that understand that it's not easy to just come out of the closet, right now that feels like am impossibility.
Heya, I keep circling back to honesty myself, you need to be honest with yourself first, living a lie will lead you nowhere.
Welcome to EC! I know how hard it can be to come out of the closet but you shouldn't cut ties and such because of that! If your friends/family love you, they won't abandon you! Did something happen for you to go back in the closet like that?
The journey can seem so lonely, and we all can feel like islands. I had an experience today that made me feel better about myself and the way I see te mirror. And all it took was a kind word. Cd101 and DecemberDayz12, I can tell you that you'll find community here. I felt like no one could possibly understand how I felt. I didn't know where I fit in all of this, but I joined a few days ago, and I already feel at home more than anywhere I've been physically located. Cd101, I feel your pain. I've had to throw out and replace clothes and things to realize I was punishing myself harder than anyone else ever could. I don't know how it was that I broke out of my cycle of self-loathing, but I know I couldn't have done it without the help of other people. Hugs to both of you. We'll get through this. Together.
Hi, Newbie here as well. I have never discussed my sexuality or gender with anybody before. Let alone a bunch of people who most likely know what I feel and relate to. I am single and lacking friends, and have no living family - so I hope that this forum is a friendly place. DJ
It is very hard to come out. I have only come out to my husband so far and that went great. Tomorrow is my therapist and a close friend. You will find a lot of support here. Welcome!
I don't know that I have ever really been "in"! My whole life everybody just assumed I was gay, and reacted according to their beliefs. I was bullied as a child/young adult and believed that I somehow had to prove that I wasn't gay. Right now (due to circumstances rather than gender or sexuality issues) there is absolutely nobody in my life, no family, no spouse/partner, no work colleagues, no social group, not even a cat! I can be as female or male as I like and nobody will respond. Although saying that - I take care of infants and toddlers, and I find that the Islamic/Muslim parents have to see things exactly as they are and to them any human being that has a penis is a "MAN". (I Hate that term) So I keep interactions that may cause them upset very limited. When they do call me a man I ask them to stop saying it and explain that I am the babysitter.
Thank you to everyone for their responses, sorry I haven't been on the site for a while. I find myself keeping as busy as possible so that I don't have time to stop and think. I think it's the downside to my current position. I find that if I have just 5 minutes to sit down and do nothing I start thinking about life which quickly becomes depressing.
Hi cd101, I lived in London for 23 years. Lovely place with plenty to do! You cant get bored or depressed - although I spent years surrounded by people and I was depressed and never even knew it until later on, when I arrived in the USA and had to have a Neuropsychological exam. I worked at St. Thomas' Hospital in the maternity ward helping mums and newborns. They all used to tell me they would marry me if I wasn't gay, and were surprised to find out that I wasn't. I had no concept of my own gender identity back then, and just felt that I HAD to conform in order to belong and be accepted, and avoid the homophobic. I always knew I was not attracted to males, but I had no idea why everybody around me absolutely insisted that I was or I must be!
Thanks for your post D Jay, I think it's the constant pressure from everyone telling me to find a girlfriend and have some kids. Most of my friends have kids now and they're waiting for me to find someone and have kids so that we can all go out together. Seems kinda strange tagging along with someones family when you're on your own. I pass the time by focusing on my job and the voluntary work I do. It's strange as if anyone asked me for my advice I'd tell them to do what makes them happy. I can't even follow my own advice.
See I am the opposite! I am absolutely crazy about kids and worked as a nanny, as well as hanging out and babysitting all my friends kids, dreaming of the day that I have my own. Girlfriends that I had always seemed to have their own agenda that didn't match with mine, I was always relieved when a relationship ended. I married in haste after people started being nasty and suggesting that my reasons for hanging out with kids and loving babies were unsavory. I felt at the time that being married would present me as less threatening or not perverted. I was not happy at all! I was relieved after a year, when her UK visa expired and she got work in the USA, where she applied for me to come and join her - that took 8 years, and my UK papers expired during that time! When I got to the USA she treated me so badly emotionally and psychologically, as well as having sexual relations with her boss and others, and giving birth to another man's child telling me that he was mine and requiring me to be unpaid childcare. Needless to say a divorce was speedy. I would like to be with someone and have a loving relationship. I am not that bothered about sex, I don't seek it out, but if it was part of the relationship, I'm sure that both parties could and would come to some mutually pleasurable sharing situation. Anyone that I get involved with now would have to see and understand my gender identity and be accepting of it first. I have Hyperprolactinemia (you'd have to google that) and it causes me to have fertility issues, low sperm count, as well as one testicle that produces no sperm but does produce some testosterone, and one testicle that produces sperm but absolutely no testosterone. I can no longer produce a baby naturally, it would have to be IVF, and the older I get (44 next month) the fewer healthy or useful sperm I actually generate, and the less testosterone I produce. I look back at my 20's and a time that I could have impregnated 10 women a day, and sigh. I am so glad that I didn't get anyone pregnant or create a bunch of random kids just to satisfy my own needs and wants. By now they'd all be strangers resenting me because their mom's didn't 'get' me and the nature of who I am. My quest to have a family/kids is my priority in life now. I am looking into sperm banking and surrogacy as I don't see myself being with anybody within the limited time that my testicles have any functioning left in them. (And believe me - when neither have functioning any longer I will be celebrating with an Orchiectomy and scrotoplasty.) But enough about me, you are depressed when you look at yourself socially from your own point of view. If you look at it from the point of view of your own social group, then everybody within the group has the understanding that in every social situation there is the one person, who just does not go down the path of "normality", having kids, getting married, high achiever etc. All the people that have those parallel type of lives mapping out understand and know that someone amongst their peers will be gay, trans, or asexual. If they want you to hang out with them and the kids, then just go for it! True friends are hard to find and keep, and if you are out and about with friends (kids or no kids) you are far more likely to be relaxed and have that chance meeting with the one person, whom you relate to and become romantic with. And whilst I don't advocate or promote taking advantage of friends or anybody else, the people you stay close to (kids or no kids) will be the ones that pick you up and take you in when the stock market crashes and you lose your home and sleep in your car until its repossessed and you finally admit to sleeping on a park bench. There's no certainty in life but hanging out with a friend who has kids may be the best thing you ever did. Kids eventually become adults and one such adult may be the person who helps you the most, stands by you, and keeps you sane later in life. I am not referring to sexual or intimate relationships, just one person generally being there for another because you have a bond, rather than being complete strangers, because you shied away from their parents when they were a kid...
Thanks for sharing your story D Jay and I hope it has a happy ending for you. I understand everyone's life is different and it can be very confusing, especially when you take the wrong path. I may not have explained myself very well in my previous post. I don't have any concerns or issues with kids and quite often think they're fun to be around because they don't worry about anything and rarely question me about getting married and having my own kids. The concern was more that friends have got married, had kids and lead their own lives at which point that becomes their priority, which I completely understand and agree with. However, when you have that catch up once in a blue moon the conversation always goes back to getting married and having kids. I often hear 'If you meet someone and have kids we could go to...... together' I can understand how it's strange to invite a single man out on a family trip, however if it's two families together it's not as strange. For now though, I feel sorry for my parents as the hope of them having grandchildren is looking less and less likely. ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 09:53 AM ---------- Thanks for your post GayPugs, I think the idea of coming out has been and gone now. It's more about not getting depressed when the thought comes around.
Hi. Guess I should say welcome back, although I'm a new member here. I'm in a situation that's similar in some ways to yours - feeling that impossibility of every coming out - and just looking for people to chat to and just try and make some progress.
