Married and confused

Hi there, I've also just joined and maybe you're not looking for a male perspective on this, but I can really appreciate what you're going through. It's a tough thing to find yourself having to deal with especially as you are also a mother of young children. it's hard not to feel guilty and accuse yourself of being selfish or even to think there's something wrong with yourself. I never had anyone to talk to so my thoughts went around and around in circles until I didn't know what to think. So it's very brave of you to join this group so early on in your journey. I wish you strength for the difficult times and most of all patience when you feel like nothing is changing in any positive way. And more generally, I think there is something beautiful in our capability for same-sex attraction and love - we add a rich diversity to the human experience. This idea has always been something I've hung onto. All the best.

 

(I just posted an "Intro" to me so you can gain a little background but some may come up as I write).

First,
Yep...I'm "newly out." By choice...but what I was suppressing and had been since I was 11? 12? Was killing me.
Like you, I have battled mental disorders (GAD/Panic Disorder/Major Depressive Disorder/ADHD). Although not as long (age wise), I am 27 and had known since I was around 11 (father and grandfather Pentecostal pastors...Mom found my secret MySpace..."it ends or we will beat it out of you.."...basic radical religious stuff with the added spice of being the Preachers Kid AND Preachers Grandkid! Oh..and Homeschooled K-12. Ha!).

I respect your statement that you want other female advice so I will not unload on you or offer mine without your consent.

If you would like a "male" perspective that has many similarities, please let me know (public or private).

All love...
Keep searching...
Never feel alone.

MJay

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

You're not alone. I'm 33 and I just came out to my husband less than a month ago. He's been great bc he says he had an inkling all along. It was just me that wasn't ready to accept my sexuality. Coming out was not something I thought I would ever do but i did and I am glad. Message if you want to chat.

 

You are definitely not alone. I'm working on coming out. I'm out to about 10 people including my wife. I will be coming out fully in a few weeks.

Although my perspective is as a gay male, I can offer you this advice: Give yourself time and patience. These issues are some of the most difficult issues we deal with as human beings. Don't beat yourself up. If you ultimately decide that you are not straight, please know that it doesn't mean the end of your life as you know it.

You are a mommy. You will always be your kid's mommy, whether or not you stay married to your husband. The road ahead may be difficult, but I firmly believe that the earlier you reconcile your orientation and live an honest and open life with your family and friends, the quicker you will heal and have a chance at a fulfilling life. Young children who grow up with a gay parent seem to have an easier time dealing with it than those children who learn when they are teenagers or older.

Give yourself a break. I think therapy is a great idea. I wish you the best of luck!

 

I'm 29, never married, brand new here and questioning my sexuality. I had a private relationship with another woman 12 years ago. I can say from my personal experience, shoving those feelings down just seems to prolong the inevitable. If you feel anything like I do right now then you're not living your best life. I would love to chat further with you on here or privately. I have a feeling our stories are similar even though you've started a family. Good for you for finding a therapist! That's awesome and ridiculously brave.

 

Me?

---------- Post added 20th Aug 2016 at 01:47 AM ----------

Guess there's no harm in sharing my story even if you were talking to someone else haha. Here goes: I was raised in the church. My senior year of high school I ended up in a physical relationship with my best friend. It ended after about a year because we both felt extreme shame and guilt. During my four years at college I was in complete denial that it ever happened. In the years that followed up until now I recognized that it was in fact a relationship even if no one knew about it. For the last year or so I've been thinking that I'm different and probably fall into the LGBT community in one way or another but I have no idea how. The only problem is, for me, religion and the LGBT world don't mix. I don't say that to be rude or start an argument. It's just what I've always known. So I guess my current struggle is... how do those worlds come together? God will always be the driving force behind every decision I make. It feels selfish to think about choosing a path that He may disapprove of but He made me and I'm attracted to women so... I guess there's probably more than that. My friends and family would have a very hard time with me ever coming out for religious reasons as well. It's just a lot to take in but then I got on her and read your story and I feel like I have it much easier haha. Guess that's partially the point of this type of forum?

 

Thanks! I'm hesitant to even mention it in these forums because I know it's a sore subject but, if I don't no one will share their opinions and I won't learn anything new. Thanks for responding!

 

What do you mean by men who are unattainable? Celebrities? Married men? Why do you think there is so much attraction there?

Also, what was this one "girl crush" you had? Why do you feel the lines are blurry?

 

Was in the same boat but the difference is that i was with a not so nice man and also fought feelings and attraction towards other women until I can no longer take it.
My advice is take as long as you need to discover this side of you, you are in no hurry but please oh please do NOT repress </3 keep going and you ll figure things out
Sending you supporting vibes

 

Congratulations on calling the therapist. That's a truly brave step. And it sounds like you're on your way. I wish you all the strength you need for this difficult journey you're on. But it is worth it. It really is.

 

I think everyone wants to be in a sexual relationship with the best looking person. That's just biology. Especially during those teen years when your hormones are exploding inside you. It sounds like you felt that, but couldn't get the kinds of guys you wanted and so settled for any guy.

Obviously there is that first part of meeting someone new that is a fun and exciting roller coaster, but that eventually dies down. I think what you are describing though is that after the roller coaster was over with these guys it wasn't replaced by any kind of real intimacy or connection. Perhaps this is what caused things to fizzle?

From my own experience when I was younger I understand being jealous of friends spending time with other people. I also know that I was wanting to spend time with people who weren't really my friends. I was jealous when I knew they had spent time together without me, but if they were really my friends they would have called me. I got angry in part because I started to realize I didn't really have a good relationship with them. Because what intimate relationship, even an "intimate relationship" with a platonic friend, would function like that?

I'm curious what kind of a relationship you had with your parents when you were young. Was it very loving and supportive? Did you struggle to get them to love you the way you wanted?How much of your parental relationships are playing out in your romantic relationships?

As for your sexuality, you don't have to answer this question here if you don't want to, but it is something to think about. Have you ever had any masturbation fantasies about women? If the answer is something like "No, never" then you might not like women sexually. If however the answer is something like "Yeah, a couple times" and you felt satisfied and happy from those fantasies, then that might mean you feel sexual attraction to women. It's not a guarantee of course, but it is something to consider. And obviously if you are having fantasies about women frequently then that is something to think about too in regards to your sexuality.

 

Okay. For the sake of argument let's say you are bisexual. 100% without a doubt. First of all, is this something you would be happy keeping to yourself forever? In five or ten years if you are still bisexual and still hiding it how do you think things will be for you? In 20 years, if you are still bisexual and still hiding it how do you think things will be for you?

If you don't think this is something you could be happy hiding forever, still assuming you are actually bisexual, then you will probably want to tell someone at some point. I doubt you would be doing yourself or your mental health any favors by hiding it forever.

That's the scary part though isn't it? How do you tell someone? You already mentioned a therapist and that's a great place to start.

In regards to your marriage you are trying to figure out if you aren't in love but comfortable and dependent. Well, based on what you've described you probably are comfortable and dependent if you can be a stay at home mom. This isn't the 50's anymore and it's much more difficult for one person to go get a job that can support a family. Most families are two income earners now. (I think. I could be wrong on that one) So yeah, the freedom that comes from not having to work to make a living and being a stay at home mom comes with a certain amount of isolation. You don't have much to worry about financially but you're stuck in a box all the time. That can be frustrating.

Given that you are comfortable and dependent the real issue is your relationship. So here's the difficult question. If you really aren't in love with your husband anymore are you willing to give up the comfort he provides and go out on your own? If you really aren't in love with him is it fair to him to keep being in a relationship with him? Are you going to be okay being in a relationship with someone you aren't in love with in five years? Ten years?

Now, I'm not saying you aren't in love with him. I don't know that. Only you know that. Maybe your isolation is affecting your overall happiness. Maybe you feel suffocated as a stay at home mom and see him as the one responsible. It's difficult to be in love with someone you might be viewing as your captor. I think this is also something you should discuss in therapy.

So what is it about the last two weeks that has changed your sexual fantasies? I don't think you wake up one day and say "I'm going to think about women now while fantasizing when that wasn't a thing before". So has something changed? Did something lead up to it? Were your fantasies around a particular person you had been thinking about during the day when doing normal daily activities? Try and trace back where the fantasies started and see what might have prompted them.