A boy lost beneath the clouds not deserving of light in the eyes of the world.

I would like to introuduce myself without doing so under any false pretenses. I dont want to introduce myself as a happy go lucky gay guy enjoying life because that is not who I am right now and that is not how I feel. I have so much frustration and anger twoards the world as my problems and conditions are never understood by anybody. I have grown disdain for lots of people and decided to come here as the final place to look for people who may understand how I feel. If anybody can read this and understand what I mean I feel this may be a good place for me to be.



It seems as though some people are fortunate enough to be touched by the light. When there is light you can see and there is a sense of clarity and comfort one has in the presence of light. Some of us simply will never be as lucky.
I will never have such a clarity. The light shines so bright but it is. Blocked by ominous clouds that form over select individuals. I exist only to be despised and hated by the majority of the world. I was created as a cursed being. The dun will never rise in my reality and those ominous clouds will forever block any semblance of light from ever reaching me.
I didn't decide to be a cursed individual such a fate was decided for me long before my birth. The skin color I found to be a refined blessing would serve as a catalyst for hatred abuse and discontent to chip away at my soul. The purity of my natural love deemed sin because the recipient of my love was not in. Possession of the correct genitalia.
Such trivial things would allow the ominous clouds to slowly form around me until there could be no more light. Two of the most hated things in the world formed the very makeup of my being.
My character my conviction and what I stand for would all take a back seat. None of that matters in the world. Those who say it does are not lying. Those who say it matters most are.
Sometimes after traveling far enough beyond those clouds I have managed to come across rsys of light. The superficial nature of the world reminds the light that it dare not shine on somebody like me.
Someone with my shade of skin and choice of love is deserving of only hatred and contempt. Humans are built to adapt so I did. Those who are fortunate enough to be allowed light would never understand me nor do I want them to. They are entitled and ignorant to the lives those who dwell beneath the clouds live.
To adapt to life under the clouds beneath the light is to remove ones emotion or harden ones soul. Being kind and filled with love does nothing when you are forever cursed with the ominous clouds. Those emotions are only for those who are given light.
Since the light will always be denied to those who dwell under the clouds why fight it? Just becuase?
The problem with those of us born into a world not made to embrace us is that we spend our existence chasing a fleeting light that does not wish to shine on us. The sooner we accept that the sooner the charade can end and we can embrace our realities. I see that is the fate for those under the clouds I will deny it no longer as I am done chasing a fleeting light in this cold desolate hell.
So please shut the fuck up stop demanding I smile stop demanding I be happy stop demanding shit from those who dwell beneath the fucking clouds when you have only lived the life of an entitled recipient of light.
You don't know anything of what it means to live beneath those ominous clouds that forsake all forms of light. Stop pretending like you do and stop acting like you have.
Some of us will never receive light and that's just the way it is. No amount of self help speech inspiring words or flowery text will change that. Dome of us we're just born destined to live in cursed realities it is what it is. Unless you dwell beneath the clouds though kindly shut the he'll up and stop trying to tell me how I should feel about something u can and never will know anything about.


Sincerely boy who dwells beneath the ominous clouds.

 

Thank you.

 

The thing is though I dont hate my shade of skin nor do I hate my predisposed nature of loving a man. I actually enjoy both. I like the color of my skin and I love being gay, Men are much sexier and more attractive than women. "However" I hate the "TREATMENT" associated with the components that help form the fondation of who I am. Being abused and discriminated against for being gay never made me hate being gay it made me hate the "treatment" directed twoards me because of that and same in regards to my skin tone.

I could never relate to people who hate themselves because to hate yourself is to feel that somehow you are wrong and that somehow you have done something wrong. I am very aware of the fact that I have not done anything wrong but I am very aware to the reality that 2 of the most hated things in the world form to make me who I am. It is for that reason that I will always be subjugated to harsh treatment regardless of where I surround myself.

I have experienced such treatment from predatory gay men as well pretending to be there to help and relate while truly only seeking a form of sexual gratification from me. I said people adapt because I meant it. You can only be treated badly abused and preyed on for so long before you adapt and the shell of innocence purity and kind heartedness you once posessed breaks away turns to dust and is carried away by the wind while a new hard untrusting iron barricade of hatred and disgust for others takes its place.

I genuinley hate and am disgusted by most people now and prefer the company of myself. The people who are "good" are only good under false pretenses never because thats what they are but because they have an alterier motive be it to abuse you try to fuck you coerce you into sex take advantage of you etc. I can honestly say I have NEVER with the exception of maybe 1 person ever met a "good" person in my life.

However I am very familiar with abuse discrimination and hatred. I have met countless people who "pretend" to be good but only 1 who ever really was. The more time goes by the more the person I use to be is left behind and the more I grow to hate and become disgusted by every living person that I come across it is what it is right now and I would be lying if I said that I felt otherwise. I feel like if I am going to discuss my feelings then I need to be honest with them.

 

Not to be rude but please spare me that overly hopeful drivel of it being generated by my outlook. I guess I caused myself to be molested right? It was my outlook that caused to men to rape me as a punishment for entering the military while being gay? My outlook made certain family that was supposed to love me tell me that I was nothing and should kill myself and that nobody would ever love me?

I remember when i was 12 and forced to go to a relatives house and that relative greeted myself and my cousins one by one with hugs and kisses down the line then when they got to me made a look of disgust and refused to even touch me. I guess my outlook caused that as well.

Did my outlook on the world make kids parents tell them not to play or sit with me because i was a "sin". Did my outlook force countless people all whom I had no problem fighting try to pick fights with me because I was gay?

Did my outlook force my uncle to assualt me and leave so much brusing that I was forced to wear a itchy green turtle neck sweater to school to hide it? Did my outlook cause various bouts of discrimination for being gay?

I also remember an asshole always asking me why I dont care about anything. Again unless you dwell beneath the clouds you would not fucking understand. If I did care about anything I would have killed myself from the stress of my abuse a long time ago. The ability to disregard all that abuse kept me alive. I guess my outlook forced a woman to betray my trust and report me for trying to kill myself and force 5 police officers to break into my home take my knife from me and force me into a psych ward where I was shoved into a cold isolated room with no contact with anybody for a long time as well.

The people there where just like you always spouting bullshit about hope and the positives of life while never spending anytime under the clouds themselves. Some thought it was a joke and it was funny and it was clear they were there for a paycheck. That entire experience just furthered my disgust for people.

So again what you have stated is nonsense if anything my outlook has kept me alive. The only reason I made it through all of that was because I discarded my emotions because i would have been overwhelmed with the pain i was going through and it worked.

Ever since then I have been told I have no personality or that there is nothing inside me and now it might be true. I remember running into my best friend that I knew since I was 5 years old after everything that had happened. He only looked at me once and said "who fucked you up" because this is not how you were.

I saw only the good in people and the world and to be honest that is why those things happened to me. Had i accepted the fact that 99% of people are worthless pieces of shit who only care for themselves and will destroy any and everything to get what they want and are filled with hatred and only negative intention I would have been fafr more prepared to deal with all of that bullshit.

My only mistake was not waking up to reality sooner. So please do not tell me my outlook shapes my fucking experiences when it was my positive outlook that made me prey for predatory evil and wicked people.

I know your trying to help and be positive but it just comes off as fake phoney self ritcheous bullshit that disregards the severity of the horrible things that have been done to me as "having a negative attitude" when it reality its because I had a positive one that a majority of those things happened to me. So please just stop with the nonsense.

---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 01:31 PM ----------

Thank you.