So I am 14 and have always been a lesbian and been very happy and comfortable about it. I never doubted it. I have always had crushes on girls. When I turned 12, I began to know what it meant when people started to tease me for being lesbian. They called me bad and wanted to "degay" me. I felt very bad about it and don't associate with those people anymore. I am homeschooled and have been ever sine I turned 7. I met this girl online in July 2015 and fell in love with her. She was perfect. I loved her more than anything. But she didn't love me back or appreciate my love for her. Then in July of 2016 I stopped contacting her. I hardly was able to talk to any of my other online friends since days after I stopped contacting her, our internet went out and our computer crashed as well. On August 1st, I began to start doubting whether I really am lesbian or not. Thinking about girls all the time has become a bit boring since I had no girl to love. But two to three weeks later I had a thought in my mind that if I had an attraction to guys, what if I wanted to kiss or have sex with one? The thought disgusted me but I tried to put up with and force myself to like these thoughts. At the end of September I forced myself to just accept these thoughts and just think as if I was straight. I began to not feel myself and hate the way I am. I kept questioning whether I should be with a guy instead of a girl. I don't feel me anymore, and it doesn't feel right to like guys, I don't feel sexually attracted to them! But I keep wondering if a guy would treat me better than a girl would, and I am also afraid to get in a relationship with a girl as many things could go wrong; teasing by others, hurtful comments, what if the love is one sided, things like this. I find a girl's body sexually attractive. I find the curves, hair, and sweet smile all attractive, but not a guy's. I don't see why abs are so hot. Although it is also hard sometimes as I am uncomfortable with my own body, and it can be a little odd to like girl bodies. I only want a relationship with a girl, but afraid I can't have it. I get jealous when I see guys in love with girls and want to make the girl mine. I find some guy's faces cute, but not sexually attractive. I'm terrified I will become straight, I don't want to be! But it seems like my brain likes these thoughts, even though my heart doesn't. Most girls have been so mean to me and think I am disgusting or gross. But I can't help it if I am a lesbian and I want to be that. I also feel insulted when seeing some lesbian things because it feels like they are making fun of me. I need advice please! I am really scared and confused! But I keep wondering if I would be better off with a guy and he would treat me better than girls would. Girls just don't seem to appreciate my love. When I fantasize about one I always think it won't work. But I really want it to...
Take it from a Lesbian that has dated a guy before worst mistake of my life. You'll find a girl out there to love you one day. Trust me I'm crushing on a straight girl right now and it sucks but you'll find a girl out there one day that you love and who loves you in return. just be patient some people may not like it but don't change just to please others never a good idea. As for the lesbian stuff out there that you find is making fun of you I thought that too for the longest time but I learned to ignore the negative ones and take pride in the positive ones making me feel less like I have to hide who I am, just ignore the stuff if you don't like it. hope this helps and welcome.
Thanks I will try. I've been having more problems by the minute but am determined to overcome them and be the lesbian I have always wanted to be.
You should love who you want too. I am also afraid to tell the world I'm different, but if I don't take the plunge, I'll never truly be happy. Sometimes we have to take risks to be happy. If you endure the pain for a little bit, I'm sure you'll find someone. Also, keep an eye out, as allies can be found in the strangest places. There will always be someone who tells you what you are is wrong regardless of if you're straight or not. The only person who can decide who is you is you. (Sorry if that was no help at all, I'm not very good at encouraging words.)
Welcome to EC! I'm sure you can find people of the same age here who are experiencing the same thing as you. And you could also take one advice or two from those who are already beyond your years people say, with age comes wisdom. Goodluck!
