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confused rape survivor

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by lesbihonestt, Dec 1, 2016.

  1. lesbihonestt

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    Hello Empty Closets :kiss:

    I am so happy to find this community. I have a situation and I need advice and support. I'll give you the deets in chronological order.

    1. When I was in first grade, I had my first crush. It was on a girl. I was too young to have sexual thoughts but I remember being really fixated on her, and too shy to speak to her.

    2. When I was in high school, I had my first boyfriend. My parents encouraged me to go on a date with him and give him a chance because he was so polite and such a gentleman. I didn't really want to, but I did. I ended up being happy the majority of the time while dating him, but we did not have a sexual relationship (we both wanted to wait).

    3. My first crush in college was on a woman. I called my mom and told her I might be gay. She said "there is no way you are gay, you have always liked boys."

    4. When I was in college, I was violently sexually assaulted by a male stranger at a party. This was my first sexual contact with anyone, male or female. I was 19.

    5. After this I became promiscuous, hooking up with many men, never really enjoying it sexually, but enjoying the power I felt over them.

    6. During this time I hooked up with one woman- a "straight" woman. She took me out on a date because she really liked me, then we had sex. We were very drunk. I liked the idea of it, but was not sexually attracted to this particular woman (not my type).

    7. When I was a senior in college, I was raped and abused repeatedly by a boyfriend. This was how I lost my PIV virginity. I was 21.

    8. After that I did not have PIV sex for years- until I was 26. That was my first experience with consensual sex. It was okay. I pretended to be much more into it than I was. I never had an orgasm.

    9. Since then I have had PIV sex sparingly. I have literally never enjoyed it, even when it was loving and consensual. I also find it almost impossible to reach orgasm with a male partner.

    When taken together, these facts confuse me. I have romantic feelings toward women, and I am very angry at and bitter toward men because of what I have been through. Is my curiosity about women a reflection of my trauma, or am I actually oriented toward women?

    I much prefer being around women and am happiest when men are not around. The idea of being a lesbian really resonates with my self concept, but I wonder if I am just avoiding men out of fear because of what has happened to me. I also think my age (28) is a little old to be having these thoughts. What should I do?

    Thank you for reading :smilewave

    ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2016 at 10:49 AM ----------

    Also I know this probably is not the right place for this thread- where should I put it instead?
     
  2. moonmodule

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    Hi lesbihonestt. I don't know where this thread would go because I'm new too, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to having these sort of feelings towards men and sexuality because of trauma... it can be very rough and complicated. Also, you've probably heard this before (or you will eventually at least), but don't worry about being too old... there's no age limitations on these sort of things. Good luck.
     
  3. lesbihonestt

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    Thank you moonmodule :newcolor: I am really sorry for whatever you went through that was traumatic. I wish you luck as you figure yourself out. As nice as it would be to be able to say "I'm gay" and skip the process of self exploration that would lead to that conclusion, I think I owe it to myself and others to be sure before leading someone on or hurting someone in my own exploration process.
     
  4. KitSylph

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    Hi Lesbihonestt. I'm sad to hear about all the violence that's happened to you, and I'm so glad you're reaching out to connect with people.

    I may just be reading in, but it sounds like you have a real orientation toward women. Do you get butterflies about women? When you fantasize, is it often about women? It's your question to answer, but it sounded like you were describing something real and powerful that you feel sometimes.

    Being bi, obviously I don't think that precludes being attracted to men, too, but nothing I read seemed to indicate that you are really drawn to them. So same question as with women: do you ever get butterflies or fantasize about guys? I can definitely understand how this question would get clouded by sexual violence. I have a bi, male friend who has the same kind of problem with men for the same reason, but he's clear that he's attracted to them, though not as much as to women.

    Not being able to come to climax seems like a strong warning sign, but maybe it's not the ultimate test of orientation. I was hardly ever able to get to that point with partners for years, although I expect it has a lot to do with quashing who I am most of that time. Since I've gotten a little more comfortable and open with my gender identity, romance has become a lot more enjoyable. And that's as a physical male: we're supposed to climax at a smoldering look.

    I don't know if any of that is any help, but I'm rooting for you.
     
  5. lesbihonestt

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    Thank you KitSylph, for your kind words and your affirmation!! I have had romantic feelings toward men in the past, but much of that has felt forced and weak. I have never been able to picture a realistic future with a man. I have not had sexual feelings toward men- or toward anyone, really - in a very long time, if ever. I can't remember ever desiring PIV sex, that is for sure. I have a very specific kink that I fantasize about when touching myself, and I have always preferred to watch videos of women engaging in this kink.

    I like the idea of being romantic with a woman- and even somewhat sexual- but am not sure about actually having sex. I have such negative connotations of sex (for reasons I have mentioned) and wonder if sex with a woman would actually be different and be pleasurable for me. I guess there is only one way to find out... :slight_smile:
     
  6. Amyy

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    Hey so i just want to say that if you can go though what has happened to you, you can get through anything and don't let anyone tell you you are weak because you most definitely very strong <3
     
  7. LGBTQueen

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    It may be both trauma and orientation, since you fell in love with a girl in first grade. If you are gay, you have a liking towards women, not a hating towards men.
     
  8. lesbihonestt

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    Hello my loves, just wanted to come back and report my latest findings :wink:

    I went on a date with an amazing woman recently, and when I kissed her my entire body felt like it was made out of glitter and sunshine. So that's a check plus for sexual attraction toward women. But what really struck me most was the emotional intimacy that sprang up so quickly.

    I am still confused about my sexuality, but I'm not a fan of labels in general, so I'm comfortable with considering my self fluid for now.

    Thank you for weighing in, everyone <3
     
  9. KitSylph

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    Glitter and sunshine and intimacy: that's gorgeous! I love reports like this. <3