Hi my name is Alex, I live I the USA, 17, a like women, mostly. biologically female but questioning because reasons. I needed somewhere to talk so I came here. I experience gender dysphoria and I don't know what to do... I've been meaning to post this somewhere for a while, so here goes nothing. This is my first time posting anywhere really talking about this so I'm pretty apprehensive, but lately I've realized that I need help and I'm sure as hell not gonna come to any sort of conclusion sitting around and brooding all day. I really needed to get this out, somewhere, somehow, and the place of least consequence, the Internet, I felt was best. Anyways- and I apologize for the length of this all but I need to get it off my chest- I'm having doubts about my gender and sexuality. I was born female, and I know that I am attracted to females. These are the only two things I can affirm about myself. Whether or not I am also attracted to guys, and whether of not I actually feel female are just, you know, a giant fucking mess of confusion. Since I was little I've experience what I now know is some sort of gender dysphoria. I am currently 17, and have only gradually come to the realization that what I feel is actually gender dysphoria very recently. To summarize it: when I was little I once fought with my mom who forced me into a dress and braids to take a picture of me. I felt so embarrassed that to spite her I closed my eyes during the photo and refused to open them. When I was about 8 I asked my father if I could join the Boy Scouts, he said no, I was confused, proceeded to join the Girl Scouts and fucking hated it. I wanted to fish and climb trees and wrestle and shit. When I was 12 I rode my bike into town. My boys bike, wearing boys clothes, with my long hair all bunched up into my helmet, pre boob growth, and was mistaken for a boy, got called by male pronouns, never felt more right in my life. I was so happy riding home that day. All the dreams from when I was young, I remember being male in them. Once my sister forced a make over on me and I looked in the mirror and hated the sight of my made up feminine face. These are just a few examples. More recently whenever someone has pointed anything feminine about myself. "You have nice hips." "Your eyelashes are so pretty." "You would look nice in a bikini." "You're lucky you have large boobs." "You're so feminine." Or even gives me something stereotypically feminine as a gift (however good intentioned) Makes me feel like I'm being stabbed in the gut, having the knife slowly twisted in deeper every goddamn time. I grew up in a very gender neutral house. I liked stereotypical boy things like dinosaurs and fishing and fighting and no one really batted and eye. In fact, my father, who had wanted a son to begin with, encouraged it. No one ever really pointed out the fact that I was female, and so I never felt like I was being forced into a female role, short of the few times my femininity did come up, resulting in my feeling like utter crap before getting over it. I was a kid after all, I wasn't even aware of the differences between men and women until puberty hit. And once it hit I started hyperventilating in the khols changing room every time I tried on a bra to realize I had gone up a size. So, sometimes I'm okay with myself, and sometimes I'm not. By okay I don't mean I'm happy with my body or my gender. To me okay means not hating myself, and just kinda dissatisfied, like I got dealt a bad hand but I can live with it as long as I don't think too hard about it. Most of the time I'm this kind of ok. Like 90% of the time. The other 10% occurs when I'm in situations when it is obvious that I am female, that people recognize I am female and tell me this. Cue that terrible stabbing feeling of utter wrongness and shame. Most of the time when I look in the mirror I think "Ew. Well this is shitty. I wish I had been born a boy. But there's nothing I can do about it. Might as well learn to live with it." But that 10% of the time it's "OH SHIT. What is that thing! I can't do this! NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE." And then I stop looking in the mirror. I know that I would have been much happier if I was born male, but as I am now, I'm not sure if I'm really transgender. I know if people referred to me as male I would be all around more happy and confident, but is it really worth it if most of the time I just feel kinda meh. Is the pain of transition worth it? Does my questioning if the pain is worth it automatically mean I am not transgender? What if I commit to it only to regret it later on? What if I am never able to pass? I like male things, I think predominantly masculine (says the kinda outdated and maybe wrong S.A.G.E test), but I act maybe a little feminine. You know, animated body movements, crying easily during sad movies and such, I used to wear kinda feminine clothing. (I've always hated dresses, skirts, and bikinis with a burning passion, and have never worn them of my own free will, but I have managed to go a couple days wearing a dress for a special occasion while feeling only mildly uncomfortable). Now I wear mostly jeans and men's sweaters and nothing else (even during the summer). The thought of wearing anything feminine makes me have that stabbing feeling. The thought of even being called by my full name (Alexandra) is off putting. Most of the time people call me Alex, and since is pretty masculine/androgynous I like being called by that name. Being called "she" doesn't bother me too much unless I'm really focused on it. Being called "he" would probably feel better but I've never tried it... I've tried to bind before using old sports bras (the first time tried I think I was 13) but I've never gotten the results I wanted, and even if my chest looked flatter I was kinda afraid of going out in public like that and being call out for dressing like a guy, even though it felt right, I was kinda afraid of being found out for being queer in anyway. Even coming out to my mom and friends about liking girls took a lot of courage, even though I knew that they were extremely accepting and understanding. (Just referring to myself as a Lesbian makes me feel dysphoric though. A conversation I had with my before I realized that I was feeling gender dysphoria was this: Mom: if you want to be a lesbian, that's fine. I will support you! Me: Eerrrrgh, please don't use that word. Mom: What word? Me: Lesbian. Mom: Why, you like girls don't you? Me: Yeah, but it makes me feel like I'm being stabbed for some reason. I literally used the word "stabbed") I'm afraid of the social consequences of being transgender, I'm afraid that I might not actually be trans, come out as trans, and then go back on my word. I'm a coward, who, despite being surrounded by accepting people is still afraid. And that, maybe above all else, makes me feel weak and almost unworthy of claiming to be trans. I know some trans people who wake up every morning and cry because of what they see in the mirror. Sometimes I feel like crying, but mostly I'm "okay". Never satisfied, never happy, but "okay". I has left me wondering, am I just a very masculine girl with some gender issues, or am I a transgender man who's maybe a little bit feminine. There is also the question of my sexuality. I know I like women, that much is certain. I also think that feminine men and nb people are somewhat attractive, but I would never consider dating a man as I am now because they would see me as a girl. And I know it's probably wrong, but the thought of being "the girl" in a relationship makes me feel extremely dysphoric, but if I had a kind of masculinity that couldn't be taken away or questioned, I would not be opposed to dating other genders. It's weird, I know. The only thing I know is the the feeling of dysphoria is slowly getting worse when I hoped it would go away, and I wish that I was born a man, so I could have just been happy and not had to deal with all this complicated identity shit. I haven't suffered from depression or anxiety yet( or at least not really bad depression or anxiety that it would warrant medical intervention) but I'm afraid if things continue down the path they are on now, I soon will. I don't want to jump into anything, and Im a pretty logical, rational person, but this is the most confused I've ever felt. Thank you for putting up with this long ass post.
First off, let me say I'm a big newbie to this site. I just joined a week or so ago. So I can understand how hard it is to reach out in the first place. Second, I wanted to say I really resonate with your story. Granted I had some less obvious signs when I was younger, but the gender and sexuality questioning sounded like I was reading something I'd written myself around your age. Unfortunately, human beings are complicated and there is no easy answer. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with being a Transman, and even now that's difficult to say. I'm still very closeted and my family doesn't even know. Over the year's I've researched terms and tried to see what fits. I've found that with each angle you try, you learn something new about yourself. When a label or identity doesn't fit, that can often tell you more about yourself. Don't be afraid to try out new ways to express your identity. Just make sure you're safe when you do it. Do you have close friends that would understand if you tried out new pronouns or clothes? Also, on the note of sexuality. I'm primarily attracted to women, but it just so happens I met a great guy and fell for him, so it's okay to be mostly attracted to girls, but alittle attracted to men or NB people. The heart wants what it wants, and thats normal. And as mannerisms go, I've found that many mannerisms I have that I thought were feminine were actually not gender specific, as my Cis male, [mostly] straight partner has some of those same behaviors. No matter how it goes, I wish you the best.
Thank you SiKiHe. It's good to know that what I'm experiencing is not unusual or strange. I've been feeling very alone lately with the questioning and not really having anyone to talk with it about. My friends and family are accepting but I've been reluctant to tell them anything out of self doubt and fear that I might dig myself into a hole in the process. I've been thinking lately, of starting to transition slowly. Work out, build muscle, stretch and try and grow taller, bind, as soon as I can find a way to do it safely. I want to try and look presentably male by the time I head off to college, that way I can introduce myself as male there if I feel comfortable in see where that takes me. I'll probably come out to my transgender cousin soon. Se might be able to offer me some help, and I trust her. I need to talk to more people about this, it's been eating away at me, and discussing it with others who can relate gives me the kind of confidence and reassurance I need. For so long I've been writing off my sexuality and gender identity as "no big deal" to help me cope, but this is a problem I need to confront, and I know I can't do it completely alone. Thank you.
it's no problem. That's why we're here right? To meet others like us and learn how to navigate our minds. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here [but might take a second to answer]
