Who am I?

I am so confused.

I honestly feel like two or more people fighting over the same body.

Someone asked me how I felt recently.
They were questioning my choice of an Asexual identity.

I had recently assumed it on a dating site, but had specified that I was only looking for friends because I was still quite confused.


They did so in a way that made me feel quite uncomfortable and guilty for trying to assume a "wrong" identity.

I told them exactly how I felt and why.

We explained our internal conflict like this;

- With first me, the more dominant personality on the surface, speaking first

- And me, who hates that fucking arsehole, what the fuck are they saying about dominance? They can't dominate a Ham Burger.

As you can see, sometimes (either of us actually, but the second speaker in that example) can be quite resentful of both ourselves and of others. We try to make this bitterness humourous but far from lessening the bitterness our attempts at humour make us seem... well a bit of a (certain genital commonly used as an insult).

Now a few things resulted from this explanation:

I (we?) was told to
A) Pull my head out of my arse and stop acting like a childish pseudo intellectual
B) If I wondered why no one liked me, look at my response
C) Stop seeing personal attacks where there are none, this person happened to have an Asexual partner which meant they knew exactly what it meant and they were not questioning me
(uh... it sounded pretty questioning to both of us - and we don't usually agree on stuff like that)
D) I was a certain component of sexual anatomy (which matched the gender of my physical appearance) that is commonly found on dating websites

I felt quite upset and got rather rude in my reply, tried to defend myself, refused to apologise for being childish (why do people hate children?) etcetera, etcetera, anyway now I am no longer on that site, but if anything where I felt I was two people before now I feel like three or four.

Out of frustration I immediately resumed my identity on another site as the more conventional sexuality, resolving not to let myself be more than one person again.

To my great surprise, where I had previously not being doing very well, this site suddenly gave me what felt like mountains of attention. I quite liked the attention at first. I thought "this is stupid, I'm just a normal person and that person was right I am just being a typical (derogatory expression referencing my physical genitalia)".

I felt maybe that person was right and they taught me a valuable lesson.

But as I talked to people more, it just felt... The same way it always did.

I started talking to myself in my head again within just 24 hours.
Really. We actually have a dialogue going. It's hard to count, there could be six or seven of us, but basically there are the two leaders and maybe one voice who tries to keep us all calm but both the leaders like to think that voice is theirs so we can't be sure.

Now. We know we do not actually have a multiple personality disorder.
I am just extremely good at trying to make myself agree with every point of view possible.
Which leads to it being easier for us to talk to ourselves as seperate identities.

So this metaphor could probably be seen as quite childish and offensive and making light of a serious mental illness.

I am sorry.
I am sorry.
We are sorry.
I don't know how else I am supposed to organise all these thoughts.


I am not normal in my preferences and physical desires.
I *am* childish, because I feel my understanding of this is at the same level as a child

Yeah I remember the school puberty lessons.
At the time I kind of just felt... gross. Was that what this part of my body was for?
Why would I ever want to do that?

Then I got older and I experienced a crush on a member of my own physical gender.
I literally did not connect anything about what I felt to what sex was supposed to be.
Later at school I would learn that a sometimes people are "different" and like the same people.
What? How do their bits work together then?

Then there was a long, quite peaceful, period with no crushes.

Then I think I saw the most beautiful person in the world - this time of a different physical gender.
Oh No! I thought. I don't want to put my bits against that person's bits. They look so nice. It would be wrong. One of us would get hurt.

"I wish I looked like that."

And from then on this seems to be the main way we experience attraction.
We see someone "hot" and wish we were them.

Although our first crush was on the same physical gender, this interest seemed to disappear
One we started looking at our genitals we thought "GROSS" and in particular, why be jealous of something you already have?

If I am allowed to consider myself as two people, then we would say:
- We are both different genders
- We are both attracted to the other gender
- One of us is jealous of attractive people of their gender
- Both of us are quite disgusted by the other's taste
- One of us is disgusted with our own physical body
- This person controls most of the physical desires which frustrates them
- The other one sees it as their body and wants this other person to leave them alone
- Both of us are very confused by the way society expects our individual genders to act
- We both tried mutual destruction (ie we were suicidal) but one of us was too cowardly to go through with it.

Can anyone perhaps empathise that with all this internal conflict,
As well as the world's expectations on what both genders have to be,

We are resorting to "childish intellectualism" to explain ourselves?

Is it really so offensive for us to say "fuck it, we'll just agree to be Asexual"?
Pun intended. Both of us like puns.

Who are we hurting if we just forfeit the game?
We certainly hurt ourselves and yes we admit, other people too, when we try to play it.

Please. Anyone. If I am not allowed to feel and behave Asexual,

Tell me how I am supposed to feel and behave?

I am so sorry to all of you if I caused offence by pretending to be something that I am not.

---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2017 at 10:48 PM ----------

Really I am sorry.
I can't do it though. I can't tell people I am anything. I don't know what I am.
Over the years the world seems to have made its democratic decision. I think I will have to accept it.

Celibate is not a sexual identity but it is what I will become.

Pseudo intellectualism maybe, but you cannot accuse me of not thinking it through.

 

That was not a very friendly or positive way to have introduced myself.
We are trying to work it out by researching but it is a slow process because there is a lot of material.
I hope you will forgive us for our ignorance but we have stumbled across some resources which we are sure were obvious to anyone who properly bothered to look things up.

We apologise very much and if someone could delete this thread that would be great, because it is in the welcome section and it is definitely not a welcoming message.

 

: D