Confused...

Hey to anyone reading this. I'm new here, never been to this site before so this is my first go-round. A little about me, I am a 21 year old girl... Have struggled with gender identity and sexuality all my life. I have always dated straight men... But I've always been attracted to women. Lately it's coming to a head, I think...
I am lucky in that I know if I came out as bisexual or lesbian my family would accept me regardless. That's not the issue. The issue is within myself. I have been in sexually, physically and psychologically abusive relationships with men all my life since I started dating in high school. Teen years are formative and lots of hormones raging, general confusion... coupled with me having anxiety, and severe depression and ocd... my parents divorcing when I was 16 and me moving from my hometown and friends... I feel like I never fully recovered and was more traumatized than I realized at the time. I now feel like I'm sort of stuck in that state still.
My upbringing was very strict on my mother's side. My dad was more laidback but didn't have much of a say in how I was raised in a lot of ways, as he and my mom married when I was in elementary school and he is not my bio dad. So I spent most of my life from elementary school through the end of high school grounded -- cut off from friends, media, the outside world in general. I was very alone and social anxiety didn't help.
As a result I missed out on a lot of the coming-of-age things normal teens typically do. I didn't learn to drive until I was 18 and living with my dad again, because my mom was so stern that she refused to teach me when I was grounded, which was always. I have never even been to a party.
I had several friends growing up who were all girls, that I developed crushes on over the years but never said anything to most of them. I had a falling out with one friend who suddenly became popular in high school after being a weird outcast with me in middle school. She disappeared from my life and I envied her popularity and beauty. I had a crush on her and about a year after high school, having not seen her since before I moved, I got drunk one day and asked her to go on a date with me. She refused, politely. But it scarred me. I had never tried to venture out of my comfort zone like that before and only had the courage to becausr I was inebriated.
I have liked so many women, but never say anything because I feel I am not pretty enough for them. And also worry thay they are 100% straight. I don't know how to flirt with women. I have had plenty of experience with men and am not intimidated by them despite the bad things. But girls are a different story.
I also have PCOS. For those who don't know, this means my menstrual cycle is all over the place and my hormones aren't functioning properly. I haven't had a period in almost 5 months since I stopped taking birth control that wasn't helping my situation. While this may sound like a blessing to some, it does have its upsides but I have come to loathe it. I want children one day and feel like less of a woman because I am essentially barren at only 21.
I barely feel like a woman to begin with. I still think of myself as a little girl in terms of naïvete and my lack of progress finding myself... but much of the time I also feel simply genderless. Since I was very young I've been intrigued by sexuality, people's bodies, gender identity and orientation. I remember seeing some documentaries on I believe TLC when I was 7 or 8 and I was mesmerized. They were about the process of transitioning for transgender people. I was beyond amazed and fascinated by the idea of someone rejecting their physical body and knowing that inside they were the opposite gender. I don't mean it to seem like I thought it was a spectacle or anything; more that the concept was new to me and I think deep down it resonated with me. I never felt normal or like a regular girl... I should mention, I grew up in a small neighborhood with the same group of kids from 1st grade til 10th when I moved. For whatever reason they singled me out, and bullied me relentlessly all those years. A daily basis in school and at home when kids would ride by on bikes and throw things at me or call me names.
Children are not able to cope with these things alone at such a young age. I was always weird and shy but this drove my social isolation and self hate to new extremes.
Bottom line is, I guess I'm just tired of all the wondering, questioning and supressing thoughts. I want to figure out how to come to terms with myself and find out who I am, but my whole life I've been at a loss.
Thanks to any who read this. (&&&)(*hug*)