1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't know what to do. Married to a man.

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by JKCLC, Mar 19, 2017.

  1. JKCLC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2017
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hello, everybody. I'm Kris.

    I want to preface this post by saying that I love my husband very much, but this feeling of being trapped in a life I wasn't meant for gets stronger every year. We've been married for seven years, and we have three children.

    In our first month together, I came out to him as bisexual, and he was (and is) totally cool with that. Only recently did he really become enlightened by how much "experience" I had in my teenage years. (More female sexual encounters than male.) I feel like it doesn't count because of how young I was (but of course it does), and yet I've known what I like since I was 5 years old, so in the end it's nothing any amount of experience would have changed.

    Due to my masculine personality, I think I've always leaned more towards women than men, just because it "fits" me better. I don't like the way I feel inside when I'm with a guy, even though I'm still attracted to guys. That's just how it is with me. I'm the guy, in my head. (I might have a bit, or a a lot, of gender confusion, but I don't plan on ever transitioning, even if I fantasize about it.)

    I'm trying to keep this short...I know people don't want to read a book, lol. Basically, my overly religious mom HATED me when I came out at 17 (which was like the second time, because she found a journal when I was 9 where I talked about how much I wanted to kiss and marry my best girl friend), and told me to "just pick the right side" after she learned that I liked both men and women.

    So, I guess I did... I repressed every aspect of my sexuality and only talked about guys after that. When I was 18, I met my now husband, and we were married and pregnant when I was 20. Even then, I desperately craved a lesbian relationship, but I also liked what was happening right then, and I figured it was just easier to go with the flow, even if I sometimes didn't know whether I truly loved my husband, or if I just loved the idea of him, as terrible as that makes me sound.

    I fell in love with having children, and my sexual feelings were largely buried under the amazing chaos of motherhood. I pretty much spent 6 years straight of being pregnant and breastfeeding and child-rearing. And now that chapter is closed, the kids are getting older, and I'm drowning in all the repressed feelings from years and years ago.

    So...here I am. Questioning everything. :tears: After crying in bed for a bit, I hopped online and looked for support, and I found this place. I'm hoping I'll find people who will say they understand, and who won't think I'm an awful person for what I've been feeling (or not feeling) towards my husband. He's such a good guy, and I always want him in my life. I just don't know if I can stay happy forever being married to him.
     
  2. Worker Bee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2017
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    44
    Location:
    Manchester
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Kris. Welcome to EC!

    You are by no means an awful person. I can understand you wanting to keep him in your life, you love him and he's the father of your children.

    I am sorry you're feeling alone and the hurt this is causing you. I have seen many similar stories in the 2 weeks I've been here. You will find support, advice and friendship here.

    You're unhappy already and I'm sure staying married will make you miserable. You've repressed how you feel for so long. You deserve to be happy no matter who it's with.

    You need to focus on yourself and what you need/want.
     
  3. Mysteria

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    102
    Location:
    Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hi, Kris! Welcome!
    I also am married (separated) from a man I do love very much and is the father of my children, and I'm questioning my sexuality, so you're certainly not alone. (*hug*) This place has been great.
     
  4. Justshort

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2017
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Cambridge
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Hi Kris,
    I'm in exactly the same position except I've been married over 20 years.
    I too chose the other path, I felt I needed to for the quiet life.
    I have the most amazing husband but my lesbian curiosity is rearing its head and messing with my head.
    I hope you find what you're looking for.
    X X
     
  5. JKCLC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2017
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for the warm welcomes. :slight_smile:

    It's hard to say what I'll do one way or the other. Some days (like the day I wrote my intro) are super hard, where it feels like I have to explore the other life or I'll just wither up inside. And then there are days (like yesterday and today) where I'm okay with things again and feel content. I'm so wracked by guilt over the "bad" days, but they keep popping up whether I want them to or not. But...I think maybe there are more good days than bad days? I just don't know what to do on those days. I need coping skills, or diversion skills, or something, because I tend to be a spontaneous person, and I worry I'll make a huge decision on a "bad" day that I'll later regret.

    I think, for now, I'll see if just being out and proud on a forum and venting my guilt will be enough of an outlet!
     
  6. Justshort

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2017
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Cambridge
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    This place is honestly a great help.
    So many kind people offer good advice. X
     
  7. OED27x

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2017
    Messages:
    317
    Likes Received:
    505
    Location:
    Virginia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey there, so first off, you are not a bad person. I, too, share a lot of your story. When I was little I always wanted to be a boy. I loved boy things and sports and he-man. And fantasizes about bein a boy. Looking at me today you would never ever know that! I am very feminine, love makeup, love being a woman. And I am really attracted to very feminine women who are athletic. And the have also fantasizes about being the man. It's all very fluid.
    Oh and I have 2 children and am married.
     
    #7 OED27x, Mar 24, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2017
  8. Moonsparkle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2017
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    681
    Location:
    Northeast US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Kris,
    Welcome-and YES, you will find people who understand here. And no, you are not an awful person! This is a helpful, non-judgmental place to visit. We are all here for support and dealing with the same sort of issues, in one way or another.

    I also was someone who, due to my upbringing and other factors always felt it was just easier to go with the flow. I felt unable to express who I truly was (in many areas!). I repressed a lot of thoughts and feelings. Things kind of changed for me a few years ago after falling in love with a woman and finally feeling like things fit into place for me. This was after living as straight my whole life-- having only been with men and married to a man for many years (we are divorced.)

    Welcome again--you will find EC a supportive environment!
     
  9. Aleka

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2017
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Welcome!! I'm new here too. Your situation sounds a whole lot like mine right now.
     
  10. jfisbi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2017
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    Hi Kris, I'm a newbie on here and found your post.

    You are definitely not an awful person, I commend you for the courage to come out your bisexuality to your husband.

    I identify a lot with your situation, except for me, it's the opposite, I'm a man married to a woman, who I love dearly, we have 2 kids (teenagers) and have been married for 20 yrs. For the most part we've been very happy, she's a great mother, spouse and person. I have not come out to her because I know it will hurt and devastate her, not to mention my kids, and most likely end our marriage, I just can't get the courage to do it, although, there have been days I think about it a lot.

    Growing up as a child, I never thought for a second that I was bi, I always loved girls and never was attracted to boys. I do however remember some experiences at an early age, that I won't go in detail about, but were signs pointing to my sexual preference later in life. I also want to mention that during my teenage years, I experimented with oral sex with my best friend, but at the time, I just thought it was the hormones raging and it was a way to satisfy our needs in lieu of having a steady relationship with a girlfriend, this happened a few times over the course of a couple of years, that was it. After that, it was just the regular dating girls until I got married and had kids. I never confessed to my wife about my bisexuality, because I was naive and didn't think I was at that time, until a few years ago.

    After 17 yrs of marriage, I started to feel the desire of being with a man again, I fought it for quite sometime, but one day, I caved in and had an encounter with another man and really enjoyed it. I'm not proud of what I did, I felt bad, guilty, like the most terrible person in the world, not so much because of what I did, but because I was unfaithful to my wife. For the past 3 yrs, I've learned so much about my sexuality, but don't have anyone to talk to about it. I still have the urge or desire of being with a man from time to time, it just doesn't go away. I can't bring myself to come out to my wife, she is a very conservative woman and I know she will not understand, so I've just kept it to myself.

    Much like you, I've had these repressed feelings for the last several years, I try to forget about them, but they keep coming back. Mine are more physical and sexual in nature and not at all emotional.

    I have also felt happy most days in my current situation, but other days I just feel depressed, and trapped, but I don't want to be selfish and destroy my family only because I need to be with a man from time to time.

    You are not alone, unfortunately there are lots of people in the same boat. I also don't know what to do, the way I see it in my case, it's either repress this side of me and remain married for the sake of my family or end my marriage. What if I come out and she proves me wrong and is understanding and is okay with it, what then? I would be in the same place, married and not being able to explore my bisexuality.

    Sorry guys for the long reply, just felt the need to open up here since I can't elsewhere.
     
    #10 jfisbi, Mar 30, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2017