... I'm 23 years old and I've been struggling with this for at least eight years, and am finally trying to accept it now, especially for the last couple of years. I don't know if I'm bi or gay, though I've never had the motivation to date a girl and am too terrified to try anything else in my current situation. I've isolated myself from everyone and don't really have any friends, since I don't feel comfortable getting too close to anyone, as I'm worried about having to share my feelings with them. I have an identical twin brother, but we have an unspoken understanding that the subject of girls or dating is taboo and is never to be discussed. We always deflect and tell our parents that we're too busy with school and careers to think about girls. I don't know if my twin has the same feelings as me since we never talk about it, though I don't have any evidence to suggest that he isn't exactly the same as me. We're so similar in so many ways and even finish each other's sentences and reply to questions with the same responses in stereo. It is hard to imagine him not being the same as me. I still live at home with my parents and brothers while I go to school and I don't want things to get awkward. I have one semester left before I graduate with a B.S. in Biochemistry, and then plan on applying to graduate schools to pursue a Ph.D. I've been waiting to move out, so I have the space to figure out who I am without the fear of my parents and siblings finding out. I want a relationship with a guy, but I don't trust my own feelings at this point. I've kept my feeling trapped within my head for so long that I don't know if I would still feel the same if I starting acting on them. I've done countless thought experiments, imaging myself in different hypothetical situations, concluding that I'm at least bisexual. If I am bisexual, wouldn't it just be easier not to act on feelings towards guys, and only focus on women? The problem: I really don't think I'm interested in women in that way. I'm worried about being stereotyped by people. I don't conform to most stereotypes and I don't want people to make false assumptions about me. I just want to be myself without the pressure to act or think a certain way. I want to figure out who I really am, with some degree of confidence, before I risk coming out to my family. I'm pretty sure my parents already suspect that I'm gay, but they are either in denial or too polite to confront me about it directly; My dad teases me about how I dress, do my hair, and about never having a girlfriend, while my mom uses gender neutral pronouns when referring to a potential future spouse for me when she annoys me about getting married and having kids. I don't want to open that 'can of worms' until I can assure them that I'm confident about myself, as there's no going back after I tell them. I'm pretty sure that my parents will be okay with it, though I have a younger brother who is quite homophobic, and I'm worried about my twin brother feeling pressured if he is the same, or for him not to believe me and assume that I must be like him if he's not the same. As a scientist, I feel like I need evidence to support my hypothesis that I'm gay, but I don't know how to prove it. Sexuality is more complex than I can understand. Genetic or epigenetic markers can only provide rough probabilities when compared to small sample populations, using correlation rather than causation and tend to be pretty unreliable; I recall hearing the statistic one time that there's a strong correlation between the release of Nicholas Cage movies and an increase in drownings in swimming pools, to show my point. Proof in some way is irrelevant, as I'm sure 'evidence' could be found that would support and dispute my hypothesis, and not knowing how all the factors, whether genetic or environmental, are weighed. I try to be logical about this problem, but emotions are rarely logical. I assume what matters is whether or not acting on my feelings makes me happy (assuming that it's safe to do so). Everything I feel tells me that it will, but I don't know yet. I'm worried about starting down a path that I can't turn back from. I'm tired of waiting for the right time and tired of being alone. My plan is to start talking about my feelings, get comfortable talking to other LGBT people online, make LGBT friends in 'real life', then evaluate whether or not I have the confidence to start dating guys. Sorry for the long rambling thoughts; I hope someone takes the time to read it through. I would really appreciate some advice or relief from knowing if there is anyone else that can relate to how I'm feeling.
I was and sometimes still, a lot like you. Do you country support LGBT/recently? I'm trying to see why you parents act that way. Or is it religion, living in a small city or the conservative viewpoint from other familymember? I think you should talk whit you twin over sms or show him the part you wrote here about you being worried if he feels the same pressure like you. To make it easier for both you may don't use lgbt words. Cause at least you have a sibling that might can be you ally and support. Is you younger brother copying one from you family and younger that 15? A quote that helped me: > "Do i make a mistake?" "Only yourself can answer that question. Only what you are feeling and think is correct, counts. No matter what other say about it. Besides someone can rarely change there feelings. Even if you know they will bring pain." < Stay stong and good luck whit you twin.
Hey Michael1993, Welcome to EC! Only you can ever know your actual sexual orientation. Personally, I believe that it is extremely important for a person to understand and accept their own sexuality before Coming Out. The most straightforward way to understand your sexuality is to listen to your body. There are some questions that you can ask yourself, the answers to which should give you a better indication of your sexual orientation: Can you imagine yourself being romantically involved with a man? With a woman? With both men and women? When you masturbate (without using pornography), do you fantasize about men? About women? About both men and women? Perhaps some of the discussion of romantic and sexual attraction in these YouTube videos may clarify some things for you: Are You Bisexual - Quiz How to Tell if You're Bisexual - Is Bisexuality a Choice? Also, have you checked to see if your school has a Gay-Straight Alliance or an LGBTQ club? Just talking to other LGBTQ people in real life could help you, which, as you indicated, is part of your current plan. If your school doesn’t have a GSA or LGBTQ club or if you are just wary of joining such a club, you might want to check out the Jim Toy Community Center (an LGBTQ center) in Ann Arbor – you can look it up online. They host support groups and one of those might be something you would be interested in attending. You said: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. You are attracted to whomever you are attracted. You can’t just turn same-sex attractions ‘off’ and turn opposite-sex attractions ‘on.’ You could consciously choose not to pursue romantic and sexual same-sex relationships, but the attractions won’t just go away. You mention your twin brother quite a bit in your post and seem to think that he may be somewhere on the spectrum, as well. Have you considered, as Fishtail indicated, Coming Out to him as the first person that you Come Out to? You said that you have basically been pushing exploration of your sexuality to the back of your mind and have been focusing instead your schooling/work. I did the same thing. But your sexuality is something that won’t just go away. It sounds like you are dealing with some internalized homophobia and shame. Check out this blog and see if it can help. Have you ever just looked at yourself in the mirror and said out loud “I’m bisexual” or “I’m gay” and see how that feels to you? Don’t worry about disappointing your parents. That is a concern that most of us have prior to Coming Out to our parents. But the reality is that we are who we are and most parents just want us to be safe and happy in life, regardless of whom we become romantically involved with. It does rather sound like your parents suspect that you are at least not straight and if your mom uses gender neutral pronouns when referring to a potential future spouse for you, it seems like she’s opening the door for you to safely Come Out to her. Have you ever discussed any LGBTQ issues that might have been in the news (like Gay Marriage) with them to get a feel for their views? I hope some of that helps.
HEY I'M A BIOCHEMIST TOO! (I want to get a Pharm. D. after undergrad) Oh my god do I connect with the need to experiment, but you can't interpret your results if you don't have data... I'm bigender and bisexual and oh good god did I closet myself hard to try and "focus on the important priorities" like fitting in with what successful STEM people are supposed to be like: simply cishet and not into messy relationships or anything illogically disruptive like that right? So I experimented, I tried to be cis, I tried to have the right partner, because that was the right thing to do, right? oh no. It was not, but I was able to come out of that and say "alright, well, now I know that hypothesis was false" bc trying to force myself into a life that has nothing to do with what I want WAS disruptive. (I think you are def moving in the right direction by not starting out just looking for a girl.) Idk what the place you are living in is like, but you can date people casually, you don't have to come out to anyone but a partner or follow up on any outlier data either (if you get my drift-- one bad date isn't gonna break you bc a partner isn't going to make you, who you are.) I think what solidified feeling most confident in my gender and sexuality was removing the idea that the partners I enjoy defined me, because correlated data points provide information for deductive reasoning, but like you pointed out, correlation is not the same as causation. You've got some deductive reasoning going on, and gathering data is good, but collaboration makes for good science, especially when designing an experiment similar to a colleague's. You have colleagues, I felt the most comfortable in formulating an identity by talking to other people and hearing the same things coming out of their mouths that was going on in my head, and with repeated experiments by a vast number individuals coming to remarkably similar results, I figured out the next step for me was designing an experiment around gender identity. mmmaybe that was a bit of a tangent there, but my point is you sound like you need to find a GSA or LGBTQ community meeting. You'll make friends, believe it or not, you likely won't be stereotyped there because queer people are multidimensional real flesh and blood people with layers of interests and goals. An occasional community meeting with a bunch of strangers is a good idea for keeping that can of worms locked tight to your liking bc people will be/ have been in your exact spot (questioning, unsure if you belong, possibly closeted) and understand the need for discretion. Plus case study mode living vicariously through quietly listening to other people while you personally analyze your own [1) similarity to previous experiences or recountable thoughts/feelings, 2) comfort level with aligning your interests and goals to that of a relationship outside of heterosexual accounts vs comfort level of alignment with heterosexual accounts] actually yields data and is a whole hell of a lot more fun than high pressure dates. Testing both 1) & 2) require exposure to queer community tho.
