Wanted to Talk About My Experiences

We all obviously have reasons for being here. Mine, selfish though it may be, is to share my experience where someone might actually see it. Maybe they might learn from it, though I doubt I have much insight to offer haha.

My life is a giant backwards stream of nonsense. I truly believe that, if I were straight, I would probably be close to marriage and much happier. Don't we all? Let's take a step back.

I graduated from a decent undergrad and went on to law school. A decent school. Got a good scholarship. Did well enough. Met a guy a few years ago (my first year). We started dating. I had a rough few years prior to law school. College sucked in my area for gays and the "coming out" process (which I dont think I actually did) was miserable. I never really formed a connection with hetero's as a gay person and the homos were only horny. So, all in all, my experience as a gay was purely sexual and sexualized. I still am not sure I can have a meaningful relationship as a gay person, one not based solely on sex. But, more on that later.

I met Z (obviously he had a full name) after a weeklong trip with a former hookup. This was, of course, a meeting based on an app and miscommunication. Me believing he was going to blow me, him thinking the opposite. Surprisingly, we talked for two hours. We then proceeded to hang out for 28 of the next 32 days in a row. Things were good.

However, I was not happy in the state. I knew I was not happy and had not been since I moved there (7 months before meeting Z). I applied to transfer schools and get out of the state. I was promptly accepted to a higher ranking/more prestigious school about one month after Z and I formalized our dating (about six weeks into the relationship). I knew, and still believe, that accepting my transfer offer led to a better career.

I met his family. That was awful. I still think they are awful people to this day. It explains him. I came out to my family for him. I don't regret that part. More because my family is awesome. But, that's for a later story.

What happened next? Well, the summer dragged on. I was working. He was working. We had a good relationship. I began to notice small things that bothered me. I would let things slide. The way he talked to me and acted about me. The fact that we were both "tops" (though I still have yet to find one person who believes he actually tops on first meeting him). His overall arrogance and perceived ownership of me. Retrospectively, these were red flags. In the moment? I remember thinking how these were rough patches or "anyone can get through anything for [x amount of time]." I was wrong.

I moved away in August to start my life at a new school. Against my better judgment, we stayed together. For the record, this was my second long distance relationship. After my first I promised that I would never do another LDR again. After my second, I now VOW I won't be in an LDR again.

We cried when I left. Hugged. It was sad. I arrived at my new home and we realized how much we missed each other. We were over a thousand miles away and it was miserable. I began shopping for rings. I paid for him to visit twice. I paid for our Thanksgiving trip together.

We decided he would move in with me after his lease expired in December. Unfortunately, after his first trip in September, things began to deteriorate. There were many causes. The city to which I had moved, and still live in, is awful (literally the worst I have ever lived in). The bad qualities I noted earlier were intensified. Worse, the redeeming qualities that allowed me to cope with the bad ones vanished. I was addicted to a memory. When the time came to move, I was not confident in it. I should have stopped it. But, armed with memories of how great our previous relationship was, we moved in together.

From there it was downhill. We fought. Miscommunications. His joblessness. Many things caused tension.

All of this culminated into him cheating on me while I was away at a charity event. He brought a guy home to the apartment and slept with him, made out with him (something he said was the most intimate thing two people could do), and even took showers with him (our thing at the time). Worse still, this guy had a hotel room. He was visiting the city. Yet Z thought it was a good idea to bring him back to the apartment. Side note: Z still did not have a job. This was the apartment I was completely financing out of my own pocket.

How did I figure it out? Truthfully, it was obvious. The tension. The feelings of guilt and animosity. Oh. And the Uber driver who said "Ah. Bringing home some other guy this week?" You guessed it. It was the same Uber driver as the week before. Classy, right? Z says he didn't cheat, for the record.

Next, I spent about $2,000 on couples counseling. As a side note: I was told that I was the one in the wrong. That I needed to stop feeling hurt by the incident. An incident Z says wasn't a big deal. I was also told Z would pay for half. Still waiting on that $1,000 (in addition to some other stuff later).

We still lived together. It sucked. I tried to make things less awkward. They were not. I hated him. He resented me. I moved to do a Summer internship towards the end of May. He slept with someone the night I left.

A month later, during the internship which determines if I will have a job post-graduation, I book him a flight to the city (we discussed it. I have texts of him saying he's excited. I have texts talking about how he is committed. I have texts where he promises he will repay me if it falls through.). We speak less and less. We talk 10 days before his trip that I paid for. We are open about everything. He says he wants to come. I am still trying to make this work. I, retrospectively, hate myself.

Two days later, a week before the trip, he cancels. He says he "just can't do it anymore." As if he's done anything. I had rearranged time with my best friend for Z to come. He once again proves how selfish he is. I still hate him. I wish terrible things in the future. I don't care if that makes me a bad person.

August comes. I move back home for my last year. Z cancelled his flight and used it to book a trip elsewhere. I venmo him for the flight price. He denies it. So much for the texts in which he says he will pay me back. I hate him more. I really think the world would be better off without him. No, I don't actually plan to do anything, just my musings.

I've now gained a bunch of weight. August starts my new diet plan. Gays cannot be large and looked at. We, as a community, shun that behavior. As we all know, or will soon find out, looks trump everything except money (and I mean LOTS of money). Personality is irrelevant. So, if you are moderately wealthy or below, you'd best be hot. Otherwise, you are useless.

Moving forward from August, I slip into a depression. I drink a lot. I drink a LOT. I don't find anything remotely sexually or romantically interesting. November rolls around. I am back doing some charity work and hop on ******. B shows up. We match. I think I should message him. I'll do it when I'm less drunk. Two weeks later, I realize I never did. We start talking. We make plans to hang out when I'm in the city before Christmas. He flakes. Something about family. Not to worry, I say. I'll be there over New Years.

We make plans to hang on NYE. Talk about being each others kiss. He flakes. My best friend's boyfriend, who I dislike strongly (and have for about 5 months) says how it is probably my looks and general unattractiveness. I am confused because I wonder if he has a mirror. Slash I, and B, are about 3 points out of his league. No offense to him.

B and I eventually hang out the day after NY. We spend a solid 24 hours together. I love it. It is the first time I have felt anything in about 9 months. He says he wants to visit me in [city]. I am overjoyed. We talk every day for three weeks. I invite him for valentine's day. He's busy. I shoot for March. No go. we talk less and less. We stop talking except for the occasional snapchat. It hurts. A lot. He still sends me pictures of himself naked. I don't know how many guys see it. I am going to [city 1/city 2] this summer. Both are cities he lives in/goes to school/works in. Maybe I will see him. I have little faith.

My ego is bruised.

While this is going on, K and I started talking three weeks before B and I connected. K lives about three hours away. K is smart. Cute. Motivated. And an awful communicator. I could wait for a week before getting a reply text. Worse, he uses read receipts. I know you read that... why can't you just respond. The gory details of this one are worse. We..."hang out" once, he wants to come back. I invite him. He ghosts me and then says he's sorry about it. Now says how I haven't put in enough communication and he's "busy". I am in grad school in one of the more intense fields. He is an undergrad (mind you, I studied three subjects and worked 40-80 hours per week in undergrad. I understand busy. He does not do this.). A second rejection occurred this week when I was told that I should show him my penis more if I want his attention.

Lastly, J. J and I hooked up my senior year of college. He is younger than me. We stayed in contact over the past few years for various reasons. Usually on and off. He has one of the best physical appearances I have ever seen. I would literally kill for his abs. Oh well. J is probably the reason I started dating Z. J was supposed to come visit me the week before Z and I started dating. He decided to cancel because he wanted to "see where a relationship went with a guy for [random irrelevant school]." I had paid for his trip, so no big deal. I was out $300. He was out... nothing? We reconnected after Z's cheating. We started talking more recently in January. After my hangouts with B and K. After everything with Z. Frankly, we haven't hung out since my senior year of college. That's scary. He says how much he likes talking to me. He says how he wants us to keep in contact more. He says a lot of things. But... he has a boyfriend. And they're happy. I can't be the guy I hate. So, I'm just a very distant friend.

All in all, I have a very bleak outlook on dating. Cheating, overly busy, leads you on, cheating again, costs too much money, probably not even worth it. I don't even know what to do.

Add to that some of my experiences in my current city, and I'm honestly incapable of interacting with guys.

A guy I hung out with told me he had slept with seven people in the previous week (after we hung out and said how we had a good time and wanted to keep talking (never received other messages until this one)). I never received a text.

Guys say they want to hang out and ghost within 10-30 minutes of us grabbing drinks. Not even sex. Literally getting drinks.


I've reached the edge of my ability to cope. I had zero closure with Z (I also hope he dies miserably). B, I think, leads me on. K is also a bastard. J makes me feel so good, yet I know we can't end up together. Guys in my city are rather terrible. Not that I am great.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say that would make me "feel better". All of my friends say to "F K and B". They like J, even if he is with a BF (I think they're distracted by his body).

I sit on a fence every day now. On the one side, my internal pain (which feels like an overwhelming weight on my chest) lightens up when I realize that I only have three more months here. On the other hand, I cry for about 3 hours per night and realize that I will be alone because I don't want to settle and that the guys I find attractive aren't into me. It is pretty lonely. I hate it.

I guess my penultimate conclusion is that those who believe gay is a choice can go F themselves. If I could live a heterosexual life, I would be gone in an instant. Instead, I am here. Writing this. Trying to form connections. Trying to find a way to make the next few months bearable. Having talked to a guy from a few months ago who reminded me that I wasn't even in his top 7 random hookups to text and making me feel so breathtakingly inadequate that I couldn't even muster the courage to go hang out with a guy that I think is out of my league.

I'm sorry for the length of this post. If you read the full thing, I commend you. No one need respond, but you may if you wish. I don't know what there is to say.

I've lived my life by the "it gets better" motto. I said that in middle school. High school was not better. I said it in high school. College was not better (unless my rampant sex counts as "better"). I said it in college. Grad school was not better. I've said it in grad school. I am afraid I am wrong again.

As of now, I need to accept that this is my life. This is what I have to look forward to over the next few weeks, months, years, decades, or until I die. I've lowered my expectations for life before. Now it is time to "mark to market".

Thank you for reading/listening. I hope this helps me. After all, as I said, this is all about me haha.