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About Me Again

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by 1980WannaBe, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. 1980WannaBe

    1980WannaBe Guest

    This is a letter I wrote to a teacher a few years ago that was supposed to help me overcome Social Anxiety Disorder. I want to share this letter with everyone because I want people to know more about me and what I've went through for the majority of my life.



    Dear Mrs. Campbell,


    For one, ever since I was in little and growing up in elementary school I was always shy around people and my classmates and to new people I didn't know. In class I did not talk a lot and I did not socialize with that many people and it was not because I did not have friends, because I did have friends and I talked to them and sat with them at lunch, and went to recess with them, but that was about it for me. I have never invited friends to come to my house to have fun or spend the night, because that just was not me, and I did not like that. I liked to be alone. I was never really good at speaking up in front of anybody neither. When I was called on in class to answer things, I would answer them if I knew them, and say I would not know if I did not know them, but as I did, I would always speak in a low soft voice, and was asked to speak up because people could not hear me. I have never been good at public speaking. In fourth grade, we had to dress up as a president or someone important from the past, and then write a biography of our lives and we had to dress up like them.

    So that day came, and everyone had their turns and I was so nervous that I did not know what to do, so everyone before me stood up to do it, and so I needed a to sit down, so the teacher brought her podium up there with her stool, and I sat there and read to the class as George Washington. I looked down at the paper the whole time, and never did once make eye contact with the class and if I did, then it was a quick glance, and then I had my hand over on my forehead covering up view of everyone, and I was nervous but it got done with. Our teacher recorded it on tape, and so like 3 days later we watched it, and I knew I did not want to see myself, because I had to live that awful moment, better off not having to watch it, so I lied to the teacher and told her I had to go to the bathroom, and she let me go, so as soon as I left, I was on the screen, so I did not have to see myself, I stayed in the bathroom.

    In fifth grade, I was still the same. But in fifth grade we always were asked to make up stories about whatever topic the teacher gave us, and we were told to stand up in front of the class and read it to them, every time I had my story to read, I would hold my paper of in front of my face so I could not see them and they could not see me. I was always so nervous. We used to read out aloud in class set books along with the class, and when we read chapter books out loud with the class, sometimes I was called on to read. I was not nervous about reading out loud at all, because I was a good reader and pretty fast too. I used to volunteer to read a lot. It was fun and I enjoyed it. But then came this day when my throat was dry, and I did not want to read, so I was called on, and I kept clearing my throat to read, and when I spoke the words in the book for that first time, my voice did not like come out fully in a way, like I was just speechless, just like uttering the words, and like when I was heard, it probably sounded like I was about to cry, but that was not even close. So I would clear my throat, and I told the teacher I did not want to read, and she would make me, and I thought,” I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t”, and so she forced me, and so I read with that dry voice, and people would laugh at me because I would stop between reading to take breaths and to clear my throat, and I was so nervous that I was just speechless and I wanted to talk but something which was not me was holding me back from doing it. I hated to be made fun of. I never took criticism or negative remarks from others well. I respected everyone and was nice, but did not understand why they would not do the same for me. Once I got so nervous, that when I was called on, I told the teacher I did not know where we were at and so she would describe which paragraph it was that I was to read aloud to the class, and so I was so nervous and scared of humiliating myself again that I told her that I did not know where we were, and people would point it out to me, but I did not want to read so badly that, I acted like I did not know, so when people pointed out the words, I acted like I did not see that.

    Because I was short and skinny, I had never been able to take being made fun of well. I was the shyest one in my class, so of course I was an easy target. But since I was the shortest, I could never stand up for myself against anyone, but it was not like I was bullied, just laughed at in class and such. So through middle school it was not much, I still had bad public speaking skills.

    High School- I was quieter, and was really shy. In 9Th grade, I was always an A-B Honor Roll Student most of the time. I hated P.E. Actually that's another thing I forgot to mention. Because I am shy and hate being around large groups of people, that kept me from trying out and playing sports because I was afraid of what others think, and I always hated P.E., because they made us participate in the games and thinks like basketball and I hated being in groups, because I never really did anything. If it was a game of basketball, I would stand there, while the others ran, and in some cases I would ask my team members not to pass the ball to me, and in some cases it worked, some it did not.
    So in 9Th grade P.E., it was the worst of anything I could have ever imagined. I did not talk to no one; I did not participate in anything. And off record, Coach Coggins was the worst teacher anyone could ever ask for. I hated him and to this day still do. He always favored the popular and athletic kids, and he always laughed and joked around with the people who made fun of me, but that was at least how I saw it. So during P.E. Class, I would stand in the corner of the room waiting for class to end. People would talk to me, but I did not say anything to them, not because I am mean or anything, but because I am a more Introverted and Reserved Shy Person than a more Extroverted and Outgoing Person. So some older kids would come up and pick on me.

    Mr. Coggins knew they did it, but he never did anything about it. I never dressed out in front of the other guys, not because I was shy or anything. I mean that I was comfortable with it. In middle school I dressed out in front of everyone, but that was because they were people I knew, and it was not that many, but hey, this was a new school, and a much larger one, with more people. When we went to dress out, it was Coggins Class(my class) and some of Coach Taylor's Class(upperclassmen) and the locker room is so small, with only a small amount of space, so I decided to dress out in the stalls because like I said there was not a lot of room. So I dressed out, and people started to notice I did not dress out with them, that I did not engage into athletic activities, that I did not speak to anyone, and that I did not act like them, which I did not act like anything but myself, and that is the way I am now.

    They started to sneer rude comments to me, and then once, I was in the stalls and they thought it would be funny to mess with me, and then some guys took their hands and put water in them and they threw them up over the door and it landed on me. Yes, I got wet. Yes, I was embarrassed. Worst of all, I did not know who did it. But I had my suspicions. I would leave the stalls early because I dressed fast after awhile, because I did not want to be like the last one in there with all the upper-class men who always stayed in there forever talking to each other. I always wondered why me, and what was it about me that they hadn't like, what it the way I looked, the way I acted, which to them it was just a shy quiet kid. But they do say bullies go for easy targets. I never told anyone, because I was afraid too. They would spread rumors about me. I do not have proof that they did or know any of the rumors, but I know they did because some of the negative remarks gave it away. These bullies who picked on me and made fun of are ones, I knew I would never forgive and to this day, I try my best to avoid them, so I do not end up running into warn of them.

    Their names I won’t mention. I am in a class this year with one of them. But I hate them, and never will forgive them. I could never stick up for myself because I am short and small, and I would never start a fight with anyone, so when I was picked on, I would just ignore it and pray to God that it stopped and for them to just go away, because I was not going to stick up for myself because in order to do that, I would have to yell and speak up to them, and we all know that was not going to happen. But so I started dressing out as normal like everyone else because I was more comfortable. There were times when it got so bad, that I did not bring in my P.E clothes to dress out. So that's why I had like a D in that class at the end of the semester, because I was so feared of being made fun of in that locker room, that I did not want to go in there. Class Wise- When I was called on by a teacher to answer a question, I answered it. If I needed help or did not understand something I would get help from the teachers. I always did my homework, and classwork, and always did well on my tests. I used to eat lunch a couple of times in the lunch room, but then skipped it the remaining of the year because I got so nervous and scared being in a lunch room crowded with so many people, and I did not even have enough confidence to eat in front of them. I never sat with anyone. Now, I have lots of friends and I mean a lot. But I only socialized with them during class time, and during visa, and when I would see them in the hallways, but because I had so many, they all each belonged to a different group of friends. So I could never be sure which set of friends I wanted to sit with. Because for one, all of them looked fine without me. So I went to the library. This Year in P.E. I was nervous thinking it was going to be the same as last year. Well it was not. I actually enjoyed this year. I dressed out in front of everyone, and at the beginning I would participate in playing basketball, but all we did was shoot hoops and I would always shoot by myself at some hoop alone. I was quiet just like last year. Through the whole semester I dressed out every day except for like once when I did not feel good. So my Average in the class the whole semester was a 100. No one ever made fun of me. The only thing I did not do was weight lift in the weight lifting room, I did not know anyone, because I was in a class of all upper-class students, and I was like the only sophomore in my whole class except for one other student. When we weight lifted we had to write down what we lifted and how many weights we used and how many times we did it. I started to do it at first, only doing like 2 machines, which were the easiest. Then, I got so nervous about doing it in front of others, that I had no courage to even try it, so I just made up numbers and wrote them down, and every time we finished for that day, Coach Taylor had to look over our paper, and sign it, and he always watched all of us, and I used to stand in the weightlifting room the whole class just watching everyone else doing there's. Everyone started to notice that I didn't do anything. I was asked a couple of times, why I didn't weight lift, some I answered too, and some I just said I didn't know too. It all depended on who I felt I could trust and the ones I feared would make fun of me.

    I told them I didn't sign up for the class and so I wasn't going to participate, which was the truth, because we have to have a year of physical education and I had only taking a semester of it in 9Th grade, meaning I would have to finish the second semester of it in the tenth grade. Then one kid and one kid only made fun of me. And you know him, because he was in your class last year. It was Jacob Grant. He asked me if I wanted to try to bench press a few times and I told him no. Then we were talking in Algebra class once, and he was telling some other kid that I never lifted weights and they got started to talking and so Jacob was like telling me," Don't worry, I am going to get you to bench press, you just watch". Now I knew what he meant, and just to let you know, he was not threatening me or warning me of anything, he just thought that he and his little weightlifting buddy would somehow get me to bench press. We were in the weightlifting room one day, and I was sitting on this red seat machine where you lay back on it, and you hold on to the side bars and put your feet under the big bar thingy on the bottom, and you pull it up with your feet, because that was like my machine. It was the easiest, and it gave me a place to sit. He asked me if I wanted to bench press, and his friend was over their bench pressing, and then Jacob asked me why, and I told him I didn't want too, and then for some reason, he felt he had to be a jerk, and he said," are you gay?" and I told him No. Because I am not. Then he said, "Well only fags don’t weight lift". And he walked away and started laughing. Then he told his buddy what he said, because his buddy asked, and they laughed and continued on with what they were doing. That was probably when I started to get more nervous and my stress level went up.

    The class after P.E. was physics 1 A, which I am still taking. Now I payed attention in that class, and I took notes and such, but my first grade in that class was a D. I was picked on by 2 Mexican Boys, who would spread rumors about me and crap like that. I ended up everytime in a Group Project with them. It was so bad that when they talked, I would ignore them, and stare down at the floor, because they would ask me things, nothing bad though, but things that could embarrass anyone like humiliating questions, and I didnt answer them. I never like the class because it was hard for me to study or pay attention in the class knowing that every day they were going to pick on me and lower my self esteem each and every day. I ended up never studying for anything for physics, because I told myself that I hated it so much, that why bother. But I got tired of it, and I sent one of them a MySpace message, because only one was actually causing the problem. It is like when someone makes fun of you because they are around their friend. Mexican 1 would pick on me with Mexican 2. Mexican 1 would always start it and bring it up, and so they would pick on me together. They were both mean to me. But I noticed that when Mexican 1 wasn’t around or wasn’t there on that day, that Mexican 2 was nice to me, and didnt make fun of me and always respected me. But it was just everytime he would be mean, it was when he was with that Mexican #1. So I thought it might just be like peer pressure. If your friend is making fun of someone, and they want you to laugh at what they say, then you usually end up doing it, because if you tell your friend no, that you’re not going to pick on someone with them, or say like, "ooh don’t make fun of him", then your friend is or groups of friends causing the harm is going to like go against you. So I guess that was maybe it. So I sent Mexican 2 a MySpace message and told them, I was tired of putting up with them, and that I haven’t done nothing to them, and that if they didnt stop then I was going to Mrs. Hughes and I was going to report them both. So they got the message, and since then they have talked to me, and we have been in groups where things went well and I have learned to like that class now, and now I understand it and enjoy it more. I now have an A in that class. So from being made fun of with a D, to not being made fun of to an A. That’s a big change.

    But I have realized that the only reason I like A-Day better is because all my classes that I have do not include me having to speak that much. In English we sit there and listen to dr. black talk, and we do our work. and in computer apps. 2 we sit in front of the computer and work out of the book the whole time, and in physics if were reviewing or something, and I am called on, then it is like ok, because all I have to say is whether it is Choice A,B,C, or D. Then in Algebra 1B, we don’t do anything in there. I have to honestly say, Mr. Vaccaro is a good teacher but he don’t teach us anything. He gives us sheets to do work on and we hand them in and grade them. We never have homework, and we have never used our book at all and everyday he has to argue with the idiots in the class who never listen. Trust me; he would be better off not teaching. That’s off the record too. His only problem is he won’t discipline any of his students, he just says, "Stop, Stop", "And Stop Please". So now were having an HSAP review in his class and we go over all these problems that the majority of the class has no idea on solving. Anyways, B-Days I hate. I have Spanish first period.


    I have to say that I have already talked with my parents about me possibly having an Anxiety Disorder and they said when I have my next doctor’s appointment that we would discuss it with my doctor and see what he has to say. But I get so nervous so badly about coming to school on B-days, that I have had small panic attacks about the social situations I would be experiencing in Spanish, the teacher calling on me, and me having to speak in Spanish, but this is for all my A-day and B-day classes also. When the teacher is going to call on someone, I avoid eye contact with her and look down at my book or paper, and sit there, and pray to the lord she doesn’t call on me, and that she picks someone else. I am so extremely shyer now, that I avoid answering questions in class, reading out loud in class, participating in groups in class, doing projects, and asking the teacher for extra help. I do not go to lunch, but instead to the library. I sit with my close friend Kassie and Bruce with whom I sit with most of my day during lunch. I can’t even talk to them clearly anymore, because of all the people in the library, and me speaking up, it’s like I want to, but something is holding me back. I can’t really explain it. I have trouble checking out a book or talking to some of my closest friends. So yes I do have to say that my social anxiety is ruining my school life and is destroying me, because I get so nervous. I want to be outgoing and friendly, but I just don’t know for sure how, and because I can’t stand other people rude remarks or what they think of me, it makes it worse for me. I am always Analyzing every small thing that could happen.

    Today in Spanish was Mrs. Schaefer's last day teaching us because she was our student teacher, and so Mrs. Schlock was not in the room, but the class decided to take things from Mrs. Schaefer, and take her pens, and hide her scrolled thing that controlled the projector, and then Adam Justice took it, and she hit it behind him, and D.J was sitting behind him, and D.J was about to take it and pass it to me so I could pass it down the row, but because she kept saying, "where is my controller, where is the remote, who has it". Well I did not want to get involved, so I told them not to pass it to me. Then Adam was like saying, "I think Kyle is a Pansy". He said it three times, and then I got so mad at him and wanted to die. But then I then I glanced into his eyes, and he stared at me, and I just gave him an angry look. He was a nice kid. But then he went all against me, and I didnt understand why. Because I am not the kind of guy who plays around in class and does funny things. When other kids are acting up in class, I don’t join them, and I was not planning on getting caught with the controller in my hand, because if I did, I knew everyone, would think I had it and I didnt want to be the focus of everyone’s attention.

    I have to say, I am introverted meaning I keep all my feelings inside. But being nervous and anxious and fearing to speak at all in front of people and even in the smallest situations, and having to avoid every situation that I can, knowing that it gets worst every day, puts a lot of negative feelings inside of me that make me feel worse. I tend to worry about problems so much and I sometimes think there are reasons for everything that happens to me. Like for example, if someone calls me a Loser, or someone makes a remark about me that is supposed to make me feel bad that even after that event is over, I will continue to think about that one moment and keep asking myself why it happened. This Year in Global Studies, Mrs. Norton would keep calling on me, and I had the answer right there on my paper, but the problem was the speaking part. And I would sit there, and I would nod my shoulders like I didnt know, and I always did that without saying one word. Then that bully I hate, Chase said after once when I didnt answer Mrs. Norton, he said real loud, "Do you ever talk?" And I said to chase but in my head, "Well don't look at me like I am the one to blame here, it was you that made me this way. Chase you made fun of me and you picked on me for no reason whatsoever, you’re a mean bully whose self confidence is only built up by the simple task of tearing others down. You made my self esteem lower, which would have probably added to part of my problem.

    Now, my social anxiety was not as bad in elementary school or middle school as it is now in High School. And it was maybe a low-medium in the 9th grade. So I do not know what has happened to me from the end of 9th grade up to the beginning of 10th grade, because it must have developed over the summer. My Anxiety is now worse. I fear so many social situations that to me it is either the fight or flight. Fight it and deal with the after effects or run from the situation. Something about my anxiety must have increasingly changed over the summer break, because this year in 10th grade, I am becoming more extremely shy to where I am always worrying about what others are saying and thinking of me at every second of the day and I am always afraid I am going to be called on in class. It has gotten to where I freak out when we have to present things or to share something with the class, even if it is going to happen in 4 weeks from the day we are told about it, I go on worrying and worrying and analyzing what I am going to do, and I fear that moment right up until the day it is. My mind is constantly putting negative thoughts about the worst possible things that could happen to me in that situation and I just constantly worry and worry.

    So I have to say that with this Social Phobia and all these feelings bottled up, I should just tell you everything that I know that I want you to know, so you can get to know me better, and so you can get to understand me and my personality, so you can help me overcome my social anxieties.

    My Mom and Dad said, I might have to go and see a Psychologist which is fine for me, but that would mean I would have to tell him/her this story all over again. My parents understand me, but my sister and brother don’t seem to understand why I have so much trouble with being around people and talking and communicating with them. My sister said, it was not that hard, and that all I had to do in order to overcome it all, was to go to school, open up my mouth and talk, and I would be fine, but she said that this morning when she yelled at me for making us late for school when we had to be there earlier. But she still does not understand and neither does my brother. I have not told my other sister, but my family knows I hate being around large crowds and that I am shy. If they were to find out that I might have a Social Anxiety Disorder, which I might have one, but that’s why I am going over it with you first, then they would think that it couldn’t be true because I have two different personalities, when you compare me at school and at home. At home, I am loud and talkative and it would be a desperate wish for my siblings to shut me up, but at school it’s a desperate wish to get me to talk. I am comfortable around my family and I love them, but I do not think they will really ever understand me but that’s ok, because I am my own person and they are theirs. I do not share my problems with my brothers or sisters.
    I do not really tell my parents anything either, except for this School and Social Anxiety problem because I am getting extremely shyer to where I can barely talk at school. But I still talk to my friends in my classes; they are the only ones I feel safe with. But it’s like one best friend in each class. My doctor’s appointment is like in May of something. I am not for sure when. But I seriously cannot wait until May to see a doctor. It makes me wonder why I am this way. Because I am a boy. Most boys do not care of what people’s opinions towards them is and they do not worry like I do every day over the same thing.


     
  2. Ralivar

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    I think that it is amazing that you had the strength and the courage to write this letter, it must have been really hard but you did it. :eusa_clap

    I also hope that you are feeling more comfortable in social situations now.
     
  3. 1980WannaBe

    1980WannaBe Guest

    Thank You. After, I decided to stop taking my Adderall I've been able to relax and talk more to people that I never would have imagined I could talk to in a million years. I still can't do public speaking or answer when a teacher calls on me or read aloud to the class but I'm striving to fit in.
     
  4. Ralivar

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    It's great that you are talking more to people now, and I also hope that you are feeling happier, it sounds like you are.

    I think the public speaking and what not will come with time, but I am sure that you will get there.