Hello everyone: This is just what I've been looking for. Much to my relief. I'm 44, and single parent. I'm trying to come out. I've come out to myself and a few friends. The problem is that I'm profoundly frightened. I've overcome a lot in my life, and face the challenges that have come my way. I am having a very difficult time accepting my orientation. And I hate it. (I'm not homophobic about others, just myself.) This internalized homophobia is causing me beaucoup pain and I feel like a big part of my life has come to a standstill. I am considering therapy, if I can find a therapist in my region who isn't going to attempt reparative therapy. Another issue I'm concerned about is promiscuity. I was advised that gay men "fuck first, love second." This would be go against my nature. I'm not a eunuch. I am a very passionate,erotic person who prefers some sort of relationship first. After that, let the lust begin. Thank you for listening. Y'all take care. halfcajun
Welcome to EC. I hope you like it. I can be a bit of a stereotype too. I can be flamboyant at times. anyway welcome to EC. Hope you like it.
Well, welcome halfcajun. You will find many supportive and welcoming people here to help you deal with whatever you need to work out. If you're considering therapy, it may be a good idea to ask friends, if any of them have sought therapy in the past that you know of. I'm not sure if it would be possible, but you could try to call their office to figure out what their stance on homosexuality is. As for what you stated about gay men, I find that it's true for men in general, not just gay ones. Being gay just makes it harder because you don't have as many choices. But there's someone out there for everyone, I truly believe that. ^_^ I'm sure you'll find someone who can love you like you need. Welcome to the forums, and good luck.
Welcome Cyclopsrock and Half Cajun. This site really helps people of all ages! Cyclop, if it weren't for gays who DO fit that stereotypical role, we wouldn't of had the very funny Will & Grace! Half Cajun.......what you are going through is pretty typical. I've heard many psycholigists and therapists say that this is a big issue for the GLBT community. It helps to talk about it and remember that just because some gays are promiscious, doesn't mean you have to risk your values by behaving in that manner. I think there are alot of people out there who are just like you who would rather have a loving stable relationship. You can probably find a gay friendly therapist by calling a PFLAG chapter (www.pflag.org) in your area. They usually know of resources. Most people in the profession are totally against reparative therapy so I don't think you will have a problem with that. Anyway, welcome to EC.
Welcome to both Cyclopsrock and HalfCajun...im Dave from Australia, and im sure you will both have a great time here To Cyclopsrock...firstly, yes cyclops does rock (if you are referring to the Scott in X-Men), expecially James Marsden's version of him (although i dont think he really died in the third movie, just was put into a coma or something...they already killed off enough characters, they have to leave him!...And if you are talking about the Greek mythological beast, well, he also rocks...I also fit quite a lot of the stereotypes of being gay, for instance i love singing, dancing and musicals....then again i also love horror and action movies, so go figure...Good luck for coming oout Oct 11...ill be coming out two days after that on my 18th birhtday... EDIT: well, since ive never formally introduced myself to cyclopsrocks, this is still valid, but my bad for not reading the dates the post were made Halfcajun, as Becky said, PFLAG most likely have resources to find gay friendly therapists, however talking on here also helps, cos its so easy to let out all your problems etc...esp cos most of the ppl on here know exactly (well not exactly, but a version) of what you are goin through...Congrats on coming out to a few people all ready...hope to see you both round the forums!
Oh, I read the dates. I was about to post something pointing it out, but Halfcajun just posted yesterday, so I figured it would be more productive to welcome him. When I saw the first post I was just like "o.o;; Um, I don't think I should welcome them..." but... yeah.
Hi and Welcome to empty closets, Cyclopsrock and halfcajun(!) (!) There are few people who has similar situation as you, halfcajun!!(in their 40's or late 30's and single parent) maybe you can talk to them might good for you as well as posting what you need an advice or support to this forum!! I don't think you need to go see a therapist but if you feel you need a professional help then I guess it will help you to become confortable with your orientation. I don't know who advised that gay men "fuck first, love second." but that is NOT a true. I think you'll know that while you staying here. I would say 97% of member here are "love first, fuck second." type person. But ###(another gay forum for over 18) is more like 55% of them are "love first, fuck second." I suppose. So I think "fuck first, love second." is very stereotyped view of gay people. BTW, Hearing "y'all" reminds me the days when I was living Alabama:lol: :lol: Hope to see you around:smilewave :smilewave
Hi Halfcajun! I'm one of those guys that Dave was referring to (although I like to think I'm in my MID 30s! thank you very much!). I've come to the conclusion that I'm gay later in life - as you have. My wife and I have recently separated, and our two little girls spend most of their time with her - she was and continues to be a part time nurse and stay at home mom - but I see them quite often and have them every other weekend. I'm not completely out - but have come out to two of my closest friends and they were very supportive and accepting. With respect to how you see relationships develop in the gay community - I can't really offer any evidence to the contrary from personal experience - but that's because I've never really allowed myself to develop the 'love' component. Two gay friends of mine (one of them a gay minister, the other one was also a gay dad, who'd recently ended a 5 year relationship with his male partner) did say that men tend to determine whether or not there is a physical compatability before investing a lot of time in developing other aspects of the relationship. So while the way you put it is rather blunt, there may be some truth to it. I really don't know. Everyone is different, and I figure if "I'm" in this position, and looking for a certain kind of relationship, there must be "somone" out there that shares my outlook on life. Here's hoping, anyway. Welcome to EC. Chatting, and posting in here helped me A LOT in coming to terms with my orientation. I hope it does the same for you.
Welcome halfcajun :welcome: :welcome: greetings from Mannheim, Germany. I'm another one of those folks who discovered late in life that I'm gay. Don't be frightened about what lies ahead. I've had the time of my life since I came out about 18 months ago. The support and friendship has been amazing. BTW, your life is not at a standstill, you're just charging up to take off like a rocket:thewave: Enjoy the journey and hope you find EC helpful. There are a few more single parents here that can provide good advice.:smilewave
Hello Everyone: Thank you for the quantity (and importantly) & quality of the replies. Reading these postings has made my day. My week, even. First, I'd like to apologize for the bluntness of the comment re. the love/sex conundrum. This is the advice I received from my schwuler friends. (Grussgott, Lorenz!) I guess they wanted me to make a paradigm shift for my own good. It is good to hear (Thanks, Jim) that it's ok to stick to my preferential guns. At this moment, y'all, I'm laughing at myself. The thought just occurred to me that after all the effort made to get here, to not be the gay man I am, would be...foolish. Be gentle, lol, with me. I'm looking forward to posting here and making some friends. Any advice or questions, or anything to make me laugh will be appreciated. Again, Jim, Choucho, Becky, Kimi, Paul, & all...thank you very much for your time. Y'all take care, Bill
Welcome to EC! I hope you can finally accept your sexual orientation. If you need to talk to someone, I'm here, ok? By the way... "schwul" is an offensive word in German, meaning gay (or more exactly, "faggot", as far as I know)
Correction. Schwul means gay in German and is neutral. The negative term you're probably referring to is "Schwuchtel" which approximates the term faggot.:icon_bigg
Hello Bill, Welcome to EC. I can understand where you are coming from. I spent over twenty years trying to figure out what direction to take myself. The theory I was taking was based upon what society tries to make us believe which is that all gays lead a life of promiscuity. If that was the case then I felt that I must not be gay for doing something like this was against my beliefs. However, I found that through the help of EC and seeking help from a knowledgeable psychotherapist having a belief such as this pointed towards homophobia which is internalized. I had to overcome this and begin to accept myself as being gay so that I could begin to live my life more fully. That has made a great deal of difference. I strongly believe that a close relationship is based upon more than just sex. For as I have said before we are humans and we were given many gifts which enable us to enjoy being with someone whom we love i.e. care, respect, learning from each other, sharing our talents, and being there to provide support in difficult times. Sex is good, but if we just form our realtionships around it things can become quite empty after a while and we begin to use each other for our own pleasure. In regards to beckyg I would suggest taking a look at the plflag website for information on seeking a counselor. Also look to see if a city near you has a gay organization that might be able to provide you with a list of counselors. I know from my own experience seeking the help of a counselor has made quite a difference in my life. All the best to you, and always know that you have people here at EC that are walking this journy with you. careandrespect
Hi Everyone: Posting that first message was very helpful. It was like bleeding off some pressure out of a psychic steam valve. A catalyst, this forum provided me a safe place to share. It makes me wonder, b/c I do have a couple of gay friends. It's raised the question why I felt I couldn't share these fears w/ them. I'll have to think about it. All that being said, I do feel much, much better. Writing these posts (and reading your kind replies) has taken a lot out of the power of that particular anxiety. I was reading one of the threads, and came across a posting of someone who is hurting re. coming out issues. I wrote a reply that surprised me; it just flowed out. I think y'all helped me to tell him that I could say,with some certainty, that we are created to be who we are, that we are to work our way through these issues, grow, and shares the graces learned with others who need them. What can I add to that, but to thank you again. Bill
Hello, and welcome! Ah, I see. I was wondering why I was being quoted, when it didn't look like I had posted in this topic, yet.