I am a beautiful butterfly.

I was a member of this site a few months ago. My screen name was "mcpacker". I had very low self esteem under that name which I'm sure was evident by my posts.

Through most of my life I did what I thought people expected of me. I would date girls simply because at a young age I was told boys love girls and marry them so they can have kids and have a family. I also got the idea from the other immature kids that gay=bad.

During all my "straight" relationships I have never connected with women on a romantic level. I would do the physical stuff but it was very one sided. I would please the girl with my hands and tongue but when she wanted to please me I would do whatever I could do get out of the situation. When I did the pleasing I never got turned on by it. Though I have had intercourse with girls and enjoyed it in a certain way. That way was I was doing what what a man should do but I did not fully realize at the time that I was doing something I did not want to do.

I was a very hateful person growing up. I thought homosexuals were lesser people. I would feel bad for them on occasion and frequently say "That is so gay" when referring to something I did not like. The most troubling thing was that I thought there was nothing wrong with this behavior.

I have been attracted to men most of my life but for some funny reason I did not equate the attraction to being gay. I thought to be gay I had to display stereotypical gay mannerisms. I have done sexual things with other men but I just told myself I did these things because there were no women around. Once I find a woman I will be done with that stuff. Oh how I deluded myself.

Now we are at the present. I have very high self esteem and have totally opened my mind. I can't pretend to be straight anymore. Life is short and I do not want to waste my time here. It took me 30 years to realize who I am and thankfully I have many years ahead of me to be myself. I am a gay man and I am very happy.

I am still in the closet. I am fortunate to live an independent life so hopefully coming out will be pretty easy.

Sorry for the length of this post. Hopefully it is coherent.

[Eleanor Rigby]

Welcome back on EC
I'm happy you have finaly come to terms with your sexuality and are now able to live happily with who you are.
See you around and take care, Eleanor

[werekid]

welcome to ec

[Daniel]

I am glad that you are happy with yourself now. I hope that your life will be as good as it can be!

Welcome back to EC.

Welcome back. It's great you've come to terms with all this sexuality issue.

By the way, were you the one with the funny beard?

[Jim1454]

Welcome back.

I'm glad you've come to terms with your orientation. It's not easy -and I went for years also assuming that I was straight, even though I prefered gay porn. I went ahead and got married, and had a couple of kids before clueing in. You'll have an easier time without those complications in your life.

Good luck with coming out. We're all here to help.

[rancerocks]

Congratulations on coming to terms with yourself. It can be difficult, particularly when you've been raised to think a certain way.

[Gin Uh Fur]

welcome back.

[RaeofLite]

Welcome back. I remember you actually.

I think many of us think: "well we can't be gay because we don't have the mannerisms". Those are powerful stereotypes that society has drilled into our minds. The Flamboyant/feminine gay male and butch/tough female. Gays and lesbians, respectively.

For many of us, that isn't the case. We're simply attracted to the same sex, and our mannerisms don't always have anything to do with that attraction. Some of us fit those stereotypes but many of us don't either.

I hope you find the support you need here. It's the best site I've found on the internet in my opinion.

[Emberstone]

Welcome back... and dont worry, there are butch gay guys here. so dont feel like you have to be a carson cressley clone to fit in.

[Orcas]

Welcome back!

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome back. Mysterons yes I am the one that had the long wild beard.

[Gerry]

Welcome back to EC!

I have been basking in the serenity I now feel. To make this realization easier for myself I hypothetically removed myself from everything I know. I pictured myself in an unknown city by the sea(my paradise). I was walking on the beach holding hands with someone. At first it was a woman and I started feeling annoyed. Who was this woman and why did I bring her to paradise. She can be here but she can't be here with me. I then pictured walking on the beach holding hands with a man. Now for me that is paradise but it does not have to be on some gorgeous beach. It can be anywhere and once I find the right man everywhere would be paradise as long as I'm with him.

I started thinking about the fight for gay rights today. It is sad we even have to talk about gay rights these days. Love is a very beautiful thing. If two people fall in love that love should be allowed to become a marriage. I told myself I would never get involved with anything political but the life I want is hindered by stupid laws that should not exist. The United States really has to get it's head out of its ass in regards to many issues. I also know it IS going to happen and I want to do whatever I can to help out. Don't ask don't tell has been done away with and that makes me happy. Now they need to allow women in the infantry. If a woman wants to be on the front lines they should let her. In my time in the marines I met many hard women that I know could kick my ass. I also would not be surprised if many men in different special operations units were gay and their teammates knew that. Those guys know everything about their fellow operators and I mean everything. If they did not know everything they could not do everything they do.

I mention the military side of things to state something about myself. When I thought I was straight I could not understand why a guy would be attracted to a stronger guy. Were they not concerned if that guy could beat them up? It is such a silly thought but it shows how deluded and confused I was. Now if a navy seal busted down my door and picked me up with one arm and brought me to bed I would be giddy with joy but I fear that will just remain a fantasy.

I am saying so much because I am euphoric that I finally sorted everything out. Figuring everything out about my sexuality is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I can't make assumptions about my ideal guy since I have never dated a guy before. I think I'm masculine but I'm not opposed to dating a more feminine guy.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss

[RaRa]

Welcome back! Good luck on coming out! =)