Howdy World I began the process of coming out last Tuesday. At this point there are 7 people I trust enough to be out to. I'm in a bit of a pickle as I've been married for 15 years, have a daughter 8 years old and am an Episcopal Priest. Coming out to my wife and to my congregation will be tricky. My bishop will be so pleased when I eventually tell him. I've known I was attracted to men for 36 years. Why I thought I could will myself straight by getting married I'll never know. I love my wife and daughter do not regret my years with them. But I can't fake the straight thing any longer.
Hello there! Let me be the first to welcome you to EC and all the really fantastic people here! You are going to find that you are not alone. I'll defer to some of the experts at EC who I know can relate more directly to your situation, but at the very least I'll say hi :smilewave and let you know you can talk to me anytime!
Thanks for the reply. I was a computer programmer in my life before seminary at electronic data systems. My geography is terrible - in which part of Canada is Winnipeg? I have a friend from Texas attending a boarding school for ballet in Toronto. That's the closest connection to Canada that I have.
Well, start pretty much anywhere in Texas and head north up I35, through Oklahoma City, up on into KC, then keep going to Omaha, up through Sioux Falls, SD, then keep going even further north through Fargo and finally Grand Forks, ND, you'll eventually end up in my front yard! Bring a jacket, though - it's January! :icon_bigg
Well obviously you know the US better than I know Canada. I've been to Windsor to eat out when I lived in Detroit and did a trip to Banff with my dad once. I doubt there would be any more trips after I come out to him. But first steps first. When I think about what this is going to do to the people I love I get terrified. But to me it feels like a matter of life or death and I choose life.
Hi and welcome to EC First thing, congratulations for starting the coming out process. I understand that coming out to your family and your congregation is going to be tought. I hope you'll be able to find help and support on EC. Many of our members have been married before they came out. I'm sure some of them will give you some great advice. Make yourself at home and see you around, Eleanor
Hi, and welcome to EC! As the above posters said, there is no shortage of people here who are going or went through the same things as you are now. So I'm sure there's some great advice to be had. Coming out is terrifying, and it is confusing to people that are used to thinking of you as straight. But in the end, I think most people do appreciate honesty as well. Don't see it as hurting them. See it as starting anew with more openness. It might take some time, but I'm sure that in the end, you'll all be the happier for it!
Hi, there, and welcome to EC! You'll find this to be an amazing and welcoming community, and there are quite a few people here in your age range with similar circumstances. I very highly recommend the (misleadingly titled) book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. It is a really fantastic book that talks a lot about the coming out process, and in particular, has several chapters that address the process you're going through... coming out after a long marriage with a wife and kids. It helps you understand that it actually *isn't* all your fault -- nearly all wives married to gay men, once the truth is out, admit they had suspicions and chose to ignore them -- and also gives practical advice. It is also, hands down, the best book on gay relationships and family-of-origin issues that gay men face that I've ever read. In any case, i wish you the best on this journey, and please stick around, read, post, and be active in our community
Thanks, everyone, for your words of encouragement. I've slept very little tonight. Tomorrow is my first Sunday at church since beginning all of this. I can't come out there yet and I'm nervous about keeping the facade even though I now know that it is temporary. I suppose logically keeping all of this behind a straight face is no harder than what I've been doing.
I understand that it makes you nervous now that you have started to come out. But remember this : you are no different from the guy you were yesterday, or a week ago. You are still the same man, and you are going to be the same man. It's just that step by step, people are going to know something about you that they didn't know before. But it doesn't change who you are. I hope everything will go fine. Take care, Eleanor
Welcome to EC! I'm a late bloomer you can say. I'm 41 and only came to terns with my sexuality about 2 years ago. I never married or had kids but I got to the point where I could not live my life as a straight man. EC has helped me a lot through my journey of coming out. We are a very friendly group.
Good morning Padre. I'm very glad that you found EC and that you've come to realize that you can't hide this part of yourself any longer. In my case, my mind / subconscious simply wouldn't let me recognize that I was gay - despite lots of signs as I grew up. I was oblivious or in a very effective denial. And as it became more and more clear, my mind became more and more effective of covering it up. I developed an addiction that proved far more destructive than my orientation - and eventually I had to deal with both of them at the same time. I was married for 9 years and had two young daughters when I finally came out to my wife, my therapist and my family doctor. And that's where the coming out stopped for quite a while. My wife and I decided to separate and we simply kept the reasons private until I was comfortable telling more people. It took 6 months before I told my 2 best friends, 10 months before I told my own parents, 11 months to tell my sister, and 2.5 years before telling my kids (which was this past June - you can have a look at my 'coming out to my kids' thread). Only since then have I started to come out at work. The process can take as long as you want it to. That's up to you. Telling one person doesn't necessarily mean that everyone needs to know. Having a therapist was the best thing I could have done for myself. I credit him with saving my life - things were that dark at one point. I don't wish that kind of loneliness and despair on anyone. I've learned in recovery many useful lessons that have helped me come to terms with my orientation as well. First, I'm not to regret my past, nor shut the door to it. Like you, I also love my (ex) wife and daughters. I love having them in my life and I know that my life will be richer for them. I'm to accept the things I can not change and find the courage to change the things I can. I can't change the fact that I'm gay. That's a given. What I can do is choose how I deal with it. There's only one day that I can have any impact on, and that's today. I can't change a single thing I did yesterday. All the yesterday's are gone and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change anything that has happened. I also can't have any impact on tomorrow yet - for it is as yet unborn. I need to not worry about tomorrow and what might or might not happen. I am to surrender my problems and challenges to my Higher Power, because He has protected me from the full consequences of my addiction in the past, and has kept me sober. His will for me today would be as good or better than anything I would come up with. He will only give me as much to deal with as I can handle at any given time. I'm one of the moderators here, so I can send and receive 'private messages' from new members. Feel free to carry on posting in the forum - because everyone benefits from reading other stories - or to send me a private message directly if you want to chat one on one. This isn't an easy road to take, but it really is the best one in the long run. Living in denial will be more destructive.
I survived my first Sunday at church. It was our annual parish meeting and I had to be "on" for a long time. I slept not at all last night, anxious about being present to the people this morning and wondering if they'd see something different in me. The day went well. I had a couple of moments of choking up in the sermon but that didn't hurt. During the business meeting, as I listened to the presenters, I thought this isn't so bad. Maybe I can take back this coming out and keep doing what I've been doing. Of course, that won't work. I'm on 4 antidepressants and still don't have the combination right. Began working with a new psychiatrist in December but I have long known at some level that I cannot medicate my way out of this. The choice is between living or dying and as hard as I fear it will be, I have to keep going. Thanks for all of the replies. They are helpful
I'm running a course that's somewhat parallel to yours, although with a few key differences. For what it's worth, here's how I have chosen to use this powerful tool called Empty Closets to salvage something of my life. I've decided to break the many deep-seated issues and questions I have into bite-sized chunks and then post them as individual threads in the appropriate forums. It takes that imposing mountain I see ahead of me and breaks it into baby steps that look a whole lot more manageable on their own. I'm hoping that when they all add up to a story in the end, it will be the story of my new identity as a proud gay man and not a closeted fraud (I'm somewhere in between these two points right now!). I can't say this is right or wrong and nobody has told me that this is how to do it; it just seems to make sense to me given the format of EC. You might want to see if this is a course of action that might help you get to your own personal resolution. If so, maybe we can walk the road together! (*hug*) James
