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here's my story

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by geroowho, Jan 20, 2011.

  1. geroowho

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I have put the thoughts done before, I wanted to try and take another stab at things. My story begins not that long ago in my childhood.
    As a boy I knew I was different. When it came to playing doctor, I preferred playing doctor with the other boys. Girls were boring. I loved dancing. When other boys were playing Star Wars. When the subject of Star Wars came up, I always thought Luke was handsome. Maybe it was the mop top of blond hair. Who really knows? I was just more interested in Luke than Princess Leia.
    Into my early teens, my step brother and I began a brief relationship of dry humping. Not uncommon, as I have learned. I was disappointed when it ended. I knew as a result, I wasn't entirely straight. It was a bit scary.
    As the teens continued, I got shot down for my idea of taking a dance class. My Mom and school counselor thought it was a bad idea, they thought it would've only made me a social outcast. With their counsel, I ended up taking swimming. Yeah me seeing guys in and out of Speedo's was a good idea.
    Then when it came to dating in my teens, it all seemed so awkward, like things didn't fit. I dated girls in high school. There was never any synergy. There was nothing that ever came of the different relationships. I dated girls to date them.
    After high school, things were going to be different for me some how. I thought it was time, I do something about my hidden interest. I posted ads in a local free newspaper. No one grabbed my interest. It didn't mean though that my sexuality was being repressed. I bought my first playgirl and found a new sort of heaven, I had always dreamed of. I even developed a habit of calling a gay sex line way too often. I got busted for it. When I denied it. My Mom expressed her relief that her son wasn't gay.
    My Mom raised me with very little help from my step father and my dad died. So I got a perspective of sexuality and humanity from my Mom. Sex of any kind was bad. Being gay or different or even a deviant was a bad thing. I was raised by a Catholic conservative, what can I write, you were either right or wrong. So I developed a habit of being fearful of who I really was. I also was afraid of falling in love with the right person. My Mom has always been involved with someone who abused her. So I learned to equate abuse with love.
    I finally dated someone who mattered to me, her name was Hillary. She was great. We clicked. I loved spending time with her. Things were still awkward, but, I had fun. She broke my heart along the way, when she told me her mother thought I was Gay. She laughed when she told me this. I, hung up on her and in a few weeks, we broke up, I couldn't handle her constant sarcasm.
    There would be many more years of me dancing in and dancing out of my homosexuality. Dating websites weren't successful. Guys weren't interested in dating someone who had been straight. Either they thought I wasn't gay; they weren't interested or they didn't want to date someone who may have even been bisexual.
    I had an opportunity to move away from the town I grew up in to a more liberal smaller town. I took the chance five years ago. I wasn't happy in the conservative town that I had grown up in. I had spent way too long being unhappy. So when I moved to the smaller town, I figured it would be a chance to reinvent myself. I ended up dating some twenty different women. Maybe I had to work the straight out of my system. No one really interested me and after about six months of dating women, I finally gave up. I was done. i was tired. So after consideration, I told my best friend, the truth about who I was. She told me she was relieved to have had me tell her the truth. She told me knew all along and wasn't surprised.
    Well after my confession, I tried exploring things further with guys. Nothing ever came of it. So I decided to stumble upon ads for women looking for men. I found the last girl I would ever date. I fell in love with her and her with me. It was a pretty instant affection. One night, over chat I told her about my unanswered need. She said she had no problem, as long as I didn't dump her to try women out one last time before dating men. I told her I wasn't. I really wasn't. This woman was awesome, she clicked with my best friends. She loved me for the me that I was. We really hit it off. I proposed and she accepted. We got married a year after our first date.
    After being married, things sexually with my wife seemed to change. She wasn't as interested. She found herself more tired once she came home. I was often alone after 7. I did what I could to keep myself occupied. I needed some kind of communication, connection. So I'd satisfy my needs by chatting up the some random guys in some chat rooms. I knew or was reminded of who I was. I wasn't straight.
    Things would change in my marriage, my wife and I decided to have a baby. Our world became romantic. We both began to woo each other more a year after being married. The woo worked. She would soon be pregnant.
    The pregnancy was hard on her. She had pretty hard mood swings and she didn't have morning sickness; she had all day sickness. Work for me wasn't easy. I had a new manager who just didn't like me. I got threatened with a pay cut even; it didn't happen. The stress of a hard pregnancy and hostile work environment led me to having an emotional breakdown. I left work for eight months. When I finished the sick leave. I knew I was a gay man in a straight marriage.
    Being married has been hard over the last year, the wife's sex drive diminished due to exhaustion and stress. She began to hold all of her stress in her pelvic muscles. The wife let me know she too had dealt with her own emotional issues over my prolonged depression and other health issues that had often arisen over the last year. We have talked more and I think the intimacy is even slowly returning in its own way. I am bit optimistic for more intimacy in time. We do hold hands and often cuddle before sleep. Things have begun to change positively, its just moving a bit too slow. The most intimate we usually get is that I jack off, while we make out. She used to declare "free nudity", while being naked and she doesn't actually want sex. Which was a cruel torture by itself; thankfully she stopped. To be honest, we have had sex just a handful of times since the kiddo was born. Sex has been difficult. Which only breaks my heart when it happens. She's unable to have intercourse, due to overly tightened pelvic muscles. I am left frustrated I can't please my wife. I've often wondered if I had been better off being alone and gay versus married and lonely.
    She has told me though, she's okay with me liking gay porn. Additionally, she also knows I have found the occasional celebrity gorgeous. So I think she knows a little bit of something.
    About a year ago, I found out one of my best and dearest friends was gay after I told him about me and my journey. What a relief, someone I knew and could trust could find out too. He understood the shadows of the closet having also been raised in a conservative home. We communicated about our closeted struggles over a few months. After one conversation, he decided I think he couldn't handle me knowing. I stopped hearing from him. He no longer responded to my calls or emails. I think it may have been too much for him to be so easily accepted. Still it broke my heart.
    In trying to understand all of this, I recently took a personality test based on the Kinsey scale of sexuality. I took the test several times. The test is rated from a scale of 0 to 6. 0 is purely heterosexual. 6 is rated as purely homosexual. I rated a 4.5 by an average of taking different versions of the same test.
    I told my therapist about me being gay. She was pretty accepting. We've even talked about how one of my best friends and groomsman at my wedding accepted the truth, when I showed him a copy of this essay. I know its okay that I love shoes and love a good purse. I have decided to embrace my inner self even more. Since that conversation. I wear pink as my own little symbol of pride. I even had a t-shirt made of a pink Hulk. My story for the character is that he was he was bombarded by Gayma radiation, not Gamma radiation as the green Hulk had been. I think I did that to make my own little symbol of me being proud of who I am.
    I honestly don't know what the future holds for me. I wrote this to get this off of my chest and put the thoughts into words. I know I need to address my feelings and circumstances in counseling and I will. Writing this helped. I know after I told my best friend originally of my homosexuality, I should've spent more time exploring things and telling other friends of my secret. I can embrace the label of gay and queer; much easier now.
    I don't regret where I am at. I don't regret the choices I have made. I am at peace where I am at within my chaos. I just need to sort things out, I figure I will. Therapy will me with this struggle. It will take some time. I know it will take some work. Things will have to change. I am just tired right now of being something that I am not.