Boo! :))

Hi Everyone,
Im 25 years old.I love all animals(from bugs to puppies) Im interested in some arts (writing,directing,drawing) and its kinda my job & hobby.

I love watching the movies i love over and over again.Same goes for books,clothes (especially black :icon_wink) so im obsessed

I'm humorous and i give everyone cramps with my jokes.I have heard people feeling much fun,happy&relax with me.From outside, i look like i don't care,i don't miss,i'm less emotional but always smart,strong,cool,sometimes cocky,ladies man type of dude.However its all because im very depressed.(sorry rest of the story might not so happy)

About sexuality im very confused but at least i'm a little less denying.I can't say im straight and i can't say im totally gay.

When i was kid & early teenage i always liked girls.Even i was very popular & successful i dont know why i was always shy,not so confident about myself.Also i was always discriminated because i was teacher's son,so they wouldn't like me.So i found peace at lonliness.As sexual side, i remember i had hard on when i see naked woman on TV and i was interested to see.However sexuality was hidden,taboo & not good stuff for me.i don't know how i get those ideas.I had hard on but couldn't masturbate.(I had no idea people does that.Still I have never ever ejaculated with masturbation :lol: actually first time i ejaculated (except wet dreams) was in sex.
Anyway so masturbation made me curious about how boys do it.So i kinda obsessed why i can't do and others can :lol: Still i had okay life, i was falling in love to girls.When i was at my cousin (he was so interested in sex,porn,masturbation) we watched porn magazines and movies and it was hidden thing, i was feeling embaressed but also turned on from excitement of doing something taboo.I don't know why once we were watching he touched my (!) it was feeling good but also i thought its not cool that somebody touching my penis.However with time,i dont remember why and how i started to fantasize him.One day i almost wanted to get more close with him :icon_redf then i realized it is wrong and gay so i finished to see him.However that experience made me aware of things i dont want.So i felt like im hiding,i will feel like that again with some other guy.I was freaked out and started a little bit homophobic (definetely not psycho type but i was feeling unconfortable around guys more) Somehow i deny it,but my interest on girls become lesser.With time everybody had girlfriends,sexual relationships and i felt like im not enough or i can't have sex.(Honestly vagina wasnt a turn on for me even i thought im just straight)
I addicted with porn due to my lack of experience in real life.I really enjoyed more gay,transexual fantasies more than straight ones.As videos i usually watched every type of porns..and from straight porn to bizarre stuff. (Porn is not good for some people folks) There was always in my mind what if im gay or what if i dont like sex with a woman,how will i'll do.And I felt so alone and seperated when every guy was so confident and crazy about sex i felt like im different.I started to thought whats wrong with me for a long time.I hated myself to not move on mylife.One day fear,being desperate hit me so bad that i was feeling my heart goes too fast,i couldnt eat,sleep almost all week.I felt like im going crazy.I really forced myself to eat because when i dont eat i was having cramps and cant sleep at all.but if i eat some,i was puking.My sex drive,libido was totally gone and i was trying to at least get it back and it made situation even worse.I lost like 20kg in 2 months.I started to go shrink and used some meds.They told me im looking at life black&white.And somehow obsessive.With time i felt better (but i was always asking myself do i like this guy,do i feel something when i touch a guy :icon_bigg) Funny&weird i found a girl from net.She was so far away from me.But we falled in love deeply.even I freaked out when i was thinking what if i fail in sex, i couldnt let her gne day she come my country and stayed at me 4 days.I was dying from stress.I didnt even hold a girls hand before that.First kiss gave me a boner.And i felt OMG! :icon_bigg We had sex, i must admit i was quite rushed because i wanted to do it before somehow lose my attention.We did it twice and i felt im the king of the world until next morning.I tried to do again but nothing happened.We tried next four days over and over again but mentally i wasnt there and i was forcing.And i failed,failed & failed.I cried from all my heart.Love of my life was there and i wasn't man enough.I lost King's throne in one day.Just before she went back to her country somehow we did it again (probably i was feeling relaxed because she is going away and i will get rid of it :icon_redf) I was even more confused, how i did it then couldnt.there was something missing, it was less lust but just being happy as a man.I felt that i might be really gay because what i felt with my cousin was more kinky.
Anyway, i felt into depression too much this time.I was using meds more.My interest for her became lesser and i didn't want to be obstacle for her.Because she was thinking its about her.So i told her my story with my cousin and all.She was very helpful.Asked me couple of questions and made me little bit sure but in my heart i have never been sure.
She came again and i almost didnt want because it will make me feel more of a failure.and this time she would spend 20 days! 20 days of failure,scariest thought ever.But i couldnt tell her dont come so i decided if i cannot have sex, if i feel like im gay, i will suicide.Funny thing i had boner when she layed her head onto my lap even when i picked up her.:icon_bigg I had no idea how it happened but i felt like WTF and Oh Yeah same time..I had many boners that night but i couldnt ejaculated.When i was in her it was going down.Then up and down.Still i was happy that all night i had erections time to time.After that night except couple of times I always had erection from kiss,touch (not by just seeing though) Funny but i maintained my erection only one position.(maybe once i do it that way i was more confident) 20 great days without worries of being gay.only worries was what if i cant get it up and due to meds and early failures i was more relax about it.I didnt want her to go this time because i had straight men life.every day 2 times sex and then hang out with my girl.(!)she came again for 25days and i felt more comfortable and relax about myself. ( I knew though i wasnt good at sex that much.just one position and sometimes losing erection little bit :icon_redf) I was gonna marry with her (her dream) and live with her,have kids (i dont like but she had such dream)..I said yes to everything.Finally i was The Man.Great news,right? No.

I just couldnt go her country due to visa problems and she didnt understand me.She thought im playing with her. (also i guess she was bored from me because i think she was with me because of im ok with marriage) So she left me with a e-mail when i was sleeping.I tried to get back her,said im sorry,its not my fault but she started really mean.Said a lot of things about me and that im not man enough.When i heard that i just finished her.With butt hurt i started to write with other girl in same website she hangs out.She saw me and started curse at me.And a fight started.She said that she thinks that i was repulsive, i look disgusting,bad at sex.She admitted she cheated me with 4 guys.She admited she cheated me when she said she was molested by a guy where she went to work.(I even sent all my money to her because she has to work while studying) She told my secret about my cousin to my best friend and even lied that i had sex with him.She blackmailed me if i dont send her money she will tell everyone.Even her relative tried to threated me with beating if i dont send money.Of course i didnt give a damn.:icon_bigg She already had new boyfriend next day and her lovie dovie photos was on net.But at least i was confident because i had more than 100 times sex so far

I lost my faith in love, so i hang out with 2 girls same time.We just make out couple of day i was having erections i was cool, i was happy.Then i busted and had to choose one of them.Anyway, i choosed one and had sex with her.First times again i couldn't do and i got upset..there was something missing.no lust i guess.But then i get used to it and did it regulary many times in 6 month of relationship.But i have never trusted her,never liked her that much.With sex, i started to like her.She wanted to marry and such but this time i said no.Relationship gone.But after a month later she started to have an affair with me secretly because she said im so much fun and i was great in sex :roflmao: Yeah, i must admit i was much better with her because i didnt care about her,there wasnt much love or responsibilities.Funny thing i tried to have sex with all the time and when i was able i dont know why i didnt feel any lust anymore. I was scared that why but didnt think about it because it always give me depression.

I went to military.I was obsessed about if i feel something sexual with boys.And more i feel like i dont i relaxed.However once some dude was playing with his boxer and i felt like i found it arousal.But i didnt want to think about it because if i got depressed in military it would mean im really in big trouble.

I came home.First time i go out to bar, the girl at next table was interested in me.I dont know why i was so mellow and didnt feel the power of go for it.She tried all night get my attention and i felt like i should do something..i drank more beer and started make out with her but i did it because i felt like i have to.i enjoyed though.But i dont know why i didnt feel like i want a relationship with her.

I was writing with a woman very far from me again almost 2 years.She become my best friend and i loved her most.she was the greatest person and loves me a lot.We both felt we are kinda jealous about others and then realized we always think about eachother.We felt in love again.I was in love with a woman far again.We spend out time on web with all love stuff.One day she was naked on cam. i had boner but then somehow i felt like do i want this..Old worries came back.I felt like there is really a problem with my sexuality.And again eating and sleeping disorder. I lost my interest on her time to time but i tried so hard look okay.But i started to remember some old things and i felt like im gay everyday.And believe me my friends, only couple of you guys felt this much heart breaking feeling.There was a woman who might die for me, and i die for her but if im not sexually attracted to her, i wouldnt lie to her and myself.She couldnt be an experiment.I thought she deserve better and it would be devasteting if im gay.I was confused more than ever somedays i felt gay and hated other days im straight.I decided i cant live like this anymore.Basicly all these fears were blocking my path.Both in relationships and my social life.I was feeling im desperately trying to be straight.So i decided to suicide.I couldnt want to live as gay,failure for myself,parents,my love.The man i wanted to be was just a dream.I cried everynight,my eyes got sored,i wanted to scream loud,i wanted to destroy beautiful things,hated myself & life.I learned every thing about suicide and decided to do it in summer when i might be far from my parents.Actually i wanted to do it last month but i lost my grandfather and my father was so hurt so i delayed it to summer.
One day my girl couldnt handle my lack of interest about her and being far away she wanted to break up.I agreed, said its good for both of us.I wanted to stay out of her because she didnt deserve this.She is very emotional and kinda borderline.So because of her, i decided to stay away.I cried many days,missed her a lot.i felt like a bad guy, i wanted to get her back and say everything gonna be okay.But I didnt because i have no right to do her because i want to be ideal guy.
I also decided to write with other gay guys,in some sexual content and i find it arousal.I had hard on easier and i was feeling more excitement.However it was just text i even didnt see guys.Just because of arousal and wonder about my sexuality unfortunately i did some webcam stuff :icon_redf :icon_bigg i had hard on but it wasnt because of the man or body parts.i think i just find experiment arousal. But kinda felt disgusted later and stop it. However as fantasy its really arousal for me.

Im not open to anyone because even i dont know much about myself.But i made some decisions.

First of all, i will not marry with anygirl. Because im not sure about my sexuality and it might end so bad for her.They might think im a bad guy but its for their safety.
Second, im not gonna deny to myself what i find arousal or not.its not easy for confused people like me but at least i will try.
Third,For a guy like me being on this forum and able to tell my story was huge.If im gay, which is more likely, at least now im considering it and being able tell to myself.I wouldnt like to be gay but if its not a choice than its meaningless to fight with it.

By the way, my love is still saying that she loves me so much and keeps writing with me at least as a friend but still saying she loves me.I feel kinda bad about myself,who i am and what im missing but i cant do that to her.I can be with somegirl who wants to hang out with me and i dont have to say i want her or not but im not evil to play with her when im not sure myself(there is a huge possiblity that im gay) She is homophobic by the way.

Anyway, so maybe im straight with weird fantasies or im bi,maybe gay,maybe asexual or whatever.Labels are really stupid.At least i know now i wont have trouble with eating and sleeping.

Sorry to bother u with my long story but had to tell it.Even now i feel better.So many years i kept everything to myself.Don't be freaked out from above, when i dont feel depressed too much, im an enjoyable guy.I saw a lot of gay people who are not "freak" here.Its good.I'm glad to be here.
(&&&)

 

I know, i know.. at least 10 years of confusion

 

Thanks :icon_bigg