There once was a boy....

There once was this boy who felt like any other normal boy. He liked to play with his G.I. Joes' and his Micro Machines like most the other boys. He also would play with his Army men and Hot Wheels cars. At first he felt just like any other normal boy his age. Then one summer day while playing at a friend's house, the neighbor boy decided to show him his penis. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours!", he said. So the little boy showed the neighbor boy his penis as well. The boy felt excited by this encounter, it was the first time he had felt this feeling. It felt right to the boy but the neighbor boy was confused. "Why is your penis different than mine!?", asked the neighbor boy. I looked down to see that my penis was rock hard while this other kid was just hanging out in the breeze. I did not realize it at the time but my erection is what confused the other boy. This is the first time in my life when I began to question my sexuality. This is the first time that I as well began to feel utter confusion. This is where I started to steamroll my life into one problem after another rather than identify and accept who I really am!​

I attended church every Sunday like most other families in the area that I was being raised. A Methodist upbringing filled with rules and limitations. Though not as strict as other religions it still taught the same basic principle. One thing that stood out among the rest was that if you lye down with someone of the same sex then you would burn in hell for eternity. I questioned.... How if god was all knowing and all powerful. If he really was the true creator of everyone and everything. HOW!? WHY!? Did he make me this way. At the age of only 10 years old I sit and cry in my bed. Feeling that I have been forsaken, condemned to eternal damnation because of the way I was born! ​

As I grew up I became more withdrawn from society. A lot of the other boys knew I was different. I was frequently the target of sick/cruel jokes or physical assaults. I was always the last to be picked for any type of sporting event. One thing I did have going for me is that I could hold a beat and was accept into the drum team in Jr. High School. I also was able to express myself through drama class. hehe "Your a good man, Charlie Brown"... I played Linus... During the blanket scene I blew away all the ladies with my cuteness. hehe Sorry.... One fond memory of my true self if only for a moment, on stage, was allowed to shine. Unfortunately during the time I was facing extremely abusive behavior from my mother. I was beaten until bloody several times for things like low grades and my dysfunctional attitude. My father had just divorced my mother and apparently it was just to much for my mother to bare. She frequently would take it out me in the form of ritual beatings and keeping me locked outside to live like an animal in the backyard. Ya, that was always just fucking great for my self esteem. Well eventually I guess my problems where just to much for my mother and she decided to send me to live with my father.​

Moving in with my father was heaven sent. I did not realize it at the time but I had already suffered a broken nose and ruptured septum to my mother's cruelty. I had learned that several years after moving in with dad from my physician. So I may have been dead, and not from my own hand, before I even hit the age of 11. All curtsey of my wonderful mom. Thank you mom... Oh ya and go FUCK yourself!​

Well things were not much different after moving in with my dad. I attended summer camp for the first time before my first year of middle school. Everything was great at summer camp until we where all forced to shower together in a large shower area. Well shortly into shower just as I feared I had become aroused by being surrounded by so many other naked boys. Of course this led to laughter and teasing from some of the boys but others moved away from my as if I was the plague. They proceeded to remove everyone from the shower area, leaving by myself... embarrassed and angered at the way I naturally reacted to the events. I then was removed from the group of kids my age and forced the rest of my stay at camp to be spent with the children half my age. Thank you camp Immokalee, I will always remember your hospitality. After that summer I attended SouthSide Middle School and received a ton of ill treatment from not only students from school staff as well. Now as an adult looking back at this point in my life I am sure I brought plenty of trouble onto myself. I was :bang: mad at society. I could not take it anymore. My rebellion began. At which point.... I began to put myself, my father, and everyone through hell.​

Eventually there became a calm in the storm so to say... I began to work up the courage to express some of my feelings. I made friends with other boys and to most of them I seemed like any other kid. Ohh, Joy! I fit in with the other fucked up adolescents. Well of course my feelings would only be suppressed for so long. Eventually I had a best friend, hell one of my ONLY friends at the time. We consistently used drugs to mute our emotions. We were two peas in a pod for a long time. Thinking back I don't know how we honestly survived some of the drug use. I eventually offered myself to him during one of our drug induced stupors. Everything was like a dream come true until he finished the deed and then just left. I was left there... Vulnerable... Confused... Fuck you world... ;( That moment ruin our friendship.. I truly lost the first love of my life that day. ​

Then I began the lie. The life that was a lie. Nothing more than hidden emotions and filtered feelings presented in a manner the family could accept. I began to date females and I continued one relationship after another that all ended the same. Countless intercourse that ended in feelings of emptiness, feelings of shame and feelings of complete and utter solitude. Followed by inadequacy to fulfill my partner's desires and then eventual loss of intimacy all together.​

How could I have come to this point? Why am I cursed with these feelings? Guilt, Remorse, Repulsed by my inner desires. Now I am a 33 year old male. 2 Children from failed relationships. I am left sitting here wondering why I did not just come out earlier, rather than let it build to the point it is now. I feel like my whole life has been a lie trying to cover my true feelings. The way I was born, the way I have always felt... The way I was mean to be!​

Cue Club Music.... Cue Banana... (!)

Sorry I have been eyeballing that little guy since I started this post. Dancing along with my music. Enticing me to add him to my post by clicking him... (!) ... yes I am weird... I know this! 8)

Well sorry for any incoherent rambling that I have done. This post took the courage of alcohol to write. Which severely diminished my ability for rational thought. Thank you spell checker! You are my best friend! Even though the EC forum are complete strangers it still took alcohol to work up the courage to even post part of my story and how I got to where I am today. Honestly If I could offer any advice to anyone younger than I am who struggles with these feelings. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF! Save yourself the years of anguish and deceit.

-Scott (aka Lunarjax)

 

Thank you for the wonderful responces! (&&&)

@Chip - As a single parent, unfortunatly my funk that I have been in not only affects myself but it effects my son who is very important to me. He is only 15 but he gives me hope for society becuase I see that him and many other kids his age are tollerant of people who are different. Unfortunatly that still has not supressed my fears of forever scarring my child whith that fact that his father is gay. He is the only person that I have been openly honest with about the way that I am and thankfully he has been very supportive. So I am happy that I have taken some of the first steps in claiming my life and finding the person within that I was always meant to be, but I can honestly say.... I am very scared too! :icon_sad: ... You know, that first stap was the hardest to take though.... I am sure there will be struggles ahead but it has to get better than this!

It may seem a little selfish but I am glad to not be alone. I am glad that there are others out there that have faced some of the same struggles that I have. The many things that I have read on this site so far before even registering an EC account have given me hope that I can have a better life. Warmth in my heart to know that there are others who would gladly except me for who I am and not for who they want me to be.

I can not thank you enough for your recomendation to purchase a copy of Joe Kort's book. I have ordered a copy from amazon. I am so very happy you suggested this book! I took the time to read the first several pages within the preview available on amazon. The book seems as if was writen just for me! Seriously I was shocked at how many things mentioned in the first few pages seemed they pertained to my life at one point or another. Also the videos of Dr. Brene Brown were not only informative but eye opening. I have to realise that my baoughts with drugs and achohol has not only supressed sadness... instead it has numbed all my emotions during the times of use. I can see how this would be extremely difficult to truley find ones self while your perseption of yourself and the world around you is being clouded by substance abuse. So again thank you! :eusa_clap

@Nazo - Thank you for your kind words Nazo! I am looking forward to brighter days ahead!

@RubiksCube - In just a short time I have found a lot of help in encouraging words and advice found through this forum. Thank you... Now if your could just help my family come to terms with my sexuality.... :icon_wink lol

@Tristar - Aww.. Thank you very much. You words are encouraging, I am glad that you have began to experience happiness. Also that is exactly what I wanted to hear... "Your outlook on the world and yourself has changed" I too have really let myself go due to depression. I owned a computer store a couple years back. After my store went under, combined with all the other troubles in my life I hit the breaking point. For the past 2 years I have been seeing a therapist. During this time I quit a 17-18 year addiction to cigarettes and Dr. Pepper. (I still have an occansional soda but as of late I have started to drink them more often so I need to just cut em out again. Also several months back I did a extreme work out routine I purchased from the internet and managed to drop from 180lbs to 140lbs. The Program included a very strict diet, but since the workout was so tuff, they were rather large portions. I only did the progream for 40 days but I have now been off the program for almost 3 months. So I need to make this change in my life for my own wellbeing and health. About a month ago I stopped seeing my therapist. Part of the reason I stop going was the fear of addressing this subject. I did tell her that I was gay but it was literely like... I started getting cold sweats.. voice became shallow... chest tightens... and all I can blurt out is, "I am gay and I DON'T want to talk about it!" How has society managed to warp my feelings about myself so far to the extent that I litteraly have a anxiety/panic attack just at the thought of discussing this issue face to face with another person?

@Lili_pond - Thank you very much! Wow this is encouraging that young people like yourself have a place to go and find answers. When I was a little older than you are I started a BBS (Bulletine Board System)... Kinda of like a precursor to internet forums and filesharing. During that time I tried to find answers and only found a few perv's along the way, which luckly enough I was smart enough to stay away from them rather than let my desire to find answers overpower my scense of reason. So I am glad that the EC community excists for the younger community. As a matter of fact there are a ton of young people on here... makes me feel old... :dry:

 

Thank you Bryan

Happily I will have good news to report soon in the coming out stories... For the first time in a long time I feel this burden slowly being lifted off my back.

:eusa_danc