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New guy.......I hate being the new guy!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by RedSox2683, Jun 2, 2011.

  1. RedSox2683

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    Hello all! Names Tony, just found this site. Thought it would be a good place to start.

    So a little about me. I'm 28, married, have three kids, and 1 I adopted with my wife. So I have always been attracted to other guys. Have some experience with other guys. Fooled around with my first one at 12 yrs old. We just did oral, made out, that was it. Then had a couple more experiences in high school. But was always looked at by friends and family as the typical high school jock superstar that had to have the head cheerleader girlfriend. I never spoke up, was always quiet about me being gay. So all my life I have been almost forced into being bi-sexual b/c I could never come out to those who needed to know it. Some friends knew but that was it.

    So after HS I met my wife, at this point it was a set up between a friend of mine who didnt know I was gay. Which whatever i did him a solid. But then it grew into something convenient. We got along really good. and having been with women before it wasnt anything to me. Then we broke up and I was seeing this guy on the DL and everything was good. She then called me to tell me she was preggers. Great. So I did the responsible thing and got back with me for the baby(bad idea). Things went on for a little while. 3 months after the baby was born we got married. This is where the one adopted comes in, stay with me you will see. So after we got married and found out she was preggers a second time, I come home from work to her telling me she needs to talk to me. So I grab a beer and sit down, she proceeds to tell me that 2 days after we broke up she was seeing this kid and they had hooked up a few times and she wasnt sure who the father was.

    Fast forward a year and we finally got the test done, and surprise, the little girl I had raised for a year turns out not to be mine! Now given the kid that is her "sperm donor" I said look hes a loser, I will adopt her and she will never have to know.

    I should also mention that in the middle of all of this, I took got a friend preggers. She was a really good friend and we dated in HS and yadda yadda yadda, we hung out one night, both got really drunk and well hooked up. She got preggers and that is my oldest son. I have three boys, one with her and two with my wife.

    So years go on, me hooking up with guys when I can, working, doing the daddy thing, unhappily doing the hubby thing. So last year I came out to my MOM and Gram, they are the most supportive peeps in the world, as is most of my family that dont know but I know they would if they knew(follow?). So my mom said that she and gram support me regardless. Now, my ex with my kid is still like head over heels in love with me, which is cool, shes sweet and what not.

    My dillemma is this, I have such a hard time deciding what I am, because when I am with a guy its effing amazing, when I am with my ex its GREAT, with my wife all I think about is some really hott guy I saw at the gym. So its almost like one day I am GAY and I love it, then I am BI and love it. My ex wants me to be with her, but im afraid i may hurt her in the long run. My first priority is my kids, but if im not happy with their mom I shouldnt stay with her.

    Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated!
     
  2. Frer3

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    Sounds complicated... eep! Welcome to EC!
     
  3. Just Passing

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    Sounds like you've been through a lot, but hopefully on Empty Closets, you can get advice on what the best path to go on is. From what I can tell, you're gay (or at the very least bi-sexual with more preference to men) and that your attraction to your wife maybe just name-sexual. :grin:

    But welcome to the EC, hope you enjoy your time here. Thanks for the story, an interesting read and I think we all hate being the new guy. :slight_smile:
     
  4. highlights

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    Welcome! I was the new guy (well, girl actually) a few days ago :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: It's never fun being new.
    Hopefully EC will be able to help you figure yourself and your situation out. I've only been here a little while and the advice I've been given has been great, and very helpful.
     
  5. Jonathan

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    :welcome: Welcome to EC!!!
     
  6. Ethan

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    Heyo, welcome to EC!
    I hope you can find the answers you are looking for here.
     
  7. EM68

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    Welcome to EC! It sounds like you have a few things going on. Hang around. We are a friendly group. :grin: btw, I love you user name. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome. As others have said, your situation is definitely complicated.

    The very first issue I see is... I think you need to do some soul searching about your own level of integrity with yourself. From what you're describing, it sounds like you've spent a bunch of time being in one relationship, and having another one that's secret. And you managed to find a wife who basically did the same thing. I think that may be a key to helping you understand yourself better.

    The second thing is... you are probably not 100% gay. I doubt you'd be hooking up with girls when drunk if you were, or talking about how great it was with your ex-wife. So where you are on the spectrum isn't really important, but it's important to realize that you are at least somewhat bisexual.

    But I do strongly believe that the first thing you need to do is look inside yoruself and see what it has that has you pulling in multiple directions. Is there a part of you that finds it difficult to commit to one person? Are you always looking around when you're in a relationship or marriage? If so, then exploring why emotional intimacy is a challenge might be a good first step.

    And it might be a good idea to, since guys seem to have a pretty strong appeal to you, explore a relationship with a guy. Not just a bunch of hookups with the same guy, but a real, genuine relationship. See how it feels. And try to find a guy that is genuinely interested in a relationship rather than just sex, and see how that feels. It's very possible the reason you're not sure is you haven't been attracting the healthiest people to you, and if that's going on, then that, too, is something to explore.

    The good news is, you're going in the right direction by realizing that something's amiss, and that you want to find answers. So, by opening up to your feelings and looking, without judging, at your past behaviors and what they could mean in terms of your patterns in relationships, I think you'll start to find a clearer answer about not only what sex of a person you want, but what you want out of a relationship to make you happy.

    Feel free to expand on what you said above or ask for clarifications on what I've said... or to disagree completely with anything I've said if it isn't on the mark. The one thing is, the more you explore, ask, talk about your situation, the more quickly you'll come to understanding that will help you find happiness.

    And feel free to contact me or any of the other advisors if we can help in talking to you more.
     
  9. Idonteven

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    Hey, welcome.
     
  10. Hexagon

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    Welcome to EC. And wow, your situation is complicated. You sound like... maybe a kinsey 4.5. My sugestion would be to stay friends with your wife, but not married. It sounds like its hurting you, and will probably end up hurting her.
     
  11. malachite

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    welcome
    newness doesn't last forever
     
  12. RedSox2683

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    Thanks for all the great advice and the welcomes! Chip that is some really great advice! Yes it is a very hard and compicated situation. I am one of those people who want to make everyone happy and in the long run I end up burning myself out and Im the one who isn't happy. but you are 100% right I need to do some soul searching and see what it is I want. I have always been attracted to women, but It's not like it is with men. I see a very attractive woman and its almost like I only want her just to say I had her. Not really wanting a relationship. But when I see a guy I not only want to hook up with him, I want to get to know him, get to really know that person but I cant given my situation.

    I think part of my other problem is that I have nowhere to go, I have no family here and I cant move to where my family is because I cant be that far away from my kids. It's very hard and very draining. Feel like I spin out of control with thoughts and trying to figure out how to be happy myself and make everyone around me happy. I know it's damn near impossible but I still try.

    There is this kid "M", the only guy I have hooked up with in the last year. I fell really hard for this kid. I mean hard, he was everything I wanted! very masc, very funny, sweet, just an awesome kid. We hooked up a few times, a few times he came over when the wife was at work and we didnt even do anything, just hung out, talked, watched a movie, just the little things I look for. It was great, we did this for 3 months and then he said he couldnt do it anymore, he couldnt be the " MISTRESS" so to speak. I understand where he is coming from, I mean it was hard on both of us, it wasnt fair of me to try to keep him around and not have my stuff straight. So the summer came, my kids were on summer vacation, and we only talked once and a while through IM's. wife is a cell phone Nazi and always checked my calls and texts while I was sleeping. anyways.....

    He told me we shouldnt talk anymore because it wasnt fair to either of us to talk and not be able to see eachother and what not. I didnt agree. I almost felt like I had lost my best friend. I mean he was my outlet. He was what kept me sane(aside from my kids) for almost 6 months and then out of the blue he want to call it quits? Didnt make sense to me. i asked him if it was someone else, which I could understand it was hard to try to hold on to something with me when we couldnt do much about it, and he said no. But he didnt want that day to come where he did meet someone and felt he was doing something wrong. So all winter me and him had no conversation. Now being in New England and being a huge sports nut, I love the Bruins, red sox(by my name), Patriots and Celtics. he was the same way. In Feb, I was watching a Bruins game and he texts me saying how much he misses me and yadda yadda yadda.....I say to him how I missed him to but hes the one who cut it off.....Two days later after talking non stop online and me calling him when she wasnt home, he tells me how he had met someone a couple months prior and things were good between them, and I said then why the I miss you and all he said he wanted to have me on the side......isnt that a little bit of a double standard?
     
  13. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi and first thing welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    reading your posts, the first idea that came to me was that your biggest problem at the moment isn't to figure out if you're gay or bi, but your relationship with your wife.
    You don't sound in love with her anymore (if you ever was) and you don't seem to get along well with her. I'm not sure this is a step you're ready to take already, but it would probably be much more easier for you to figure out what you want if you were not involved in this relationship with your wife anymore.
    I totally understand that you're having children with her and that it is never easy to decide breaking up from someone you're married with, but I don't think this relationship is fair to you, and I am sure this is not fair to her either.

    Make yourself at home on EC and see you around, Cécile
     
  14. Chip

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    I concur with Cecile, but I will also add that I think the first thing you need to work on is your personal integrity.

    It isn't OK to be cheating on your wife, whether said cheating is physically sexual or emotional in nature. And it's equally not OK for your friend to be with someone else and "have you on the side." Which tells me... he's not the one for you, because if he's willing to cheat on his current BF, then he'll eventually cheat on you. (Of course, the same could be said for you...) Your wife checks everything because she suspects and doesn't trust you. So I'd suggest that you need to come clean. I know that's a huge step, but it's a necessary one, if you want to be in integrity with yourself, and treat your wife with the respect she deserves.

    I also strongly recommend the excellent "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. It's out of print, but available in large print edition from Amazon, and there are usually used copies from Bookfinder.com. In spite of being horribly misnamed, the book is amazing and deals, among many other topics, specifically with the issue of heterosexually married gay men, and the special concerns there.

    Also, the fact that you're referring to the guy you met as "this kid" would imply to me that you don't see him as a peer or equal, and that's not a key to a healthy relationship. If there's a significant age difference, or otherwise a power imbalance (income, social status, etc) then it puts an extra strain on the relationship.

    I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I really think your best bet is to first work on yourself, getting into integrity with yourself and your wife, and then exploring more with your relationship possibilities.

    Feel free to continue to amplify or ask more q's.
     
  15. RedSox2683

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    No I understand that, and I have only cheated that couple times I was with him, I know its wrong.

    Also just to clairify, in Massachusetts, more so the greater Boston area, where im from we call everyone kid, its just a thing. Not cutting him down, or making him seem less of a person or anything like that. Its just how some of the dialog for us comes out.
     
  16. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC, new people join all of the time so you wont be the new guy for long.