Hi

First of all, you need to know that my first language isn't english so don't be surprised if I make mistakes. :icon_wink

I think I really need to share a bit of myself to others.

I'm 21, I'll be 22 in a month. I'm pretty much gay and it too quite a while to figure that out. I can't really say that I was "born this way". When I was young, I was attracted to girls, I wanted a wife, kids.
I can't recall the moment where I realized that something was different with me. Actually, maybe I can, when I was young, I was playing with Barbies. Not my sister's Barbies, my own Barbies. I guess I was born this way after all...and I was quite effeminate, looking back. My parents were very open and they even bought a dollhouse because that's what I wished for the most for Christmas. But even then, I still was attracted to girls.
The years passed and nothing much happened, to be honest. It's when I was about 12 that something happened: I was called a fag at school. Of course, I said it wasn't true and I thought it wasn't. But something thinking about it, I knew that it wasn't completely untrue. I don't know why but I knew that I was not heterosexual. But I didn't really want to think about it at the time.
I was extremely shy and reserved at school. Still am. But I managed to make friends. Interesting and important fact: only girls. I never made any close male friend. Again, I don't know why. It seems like I know how to interact with girls, with guys, I don't know...
So I found myself the only boy in all-girls groups. I was considered a girl for them. But, I was not their gay friend, well, at least that's what I think, because they asked me typical embarassing questions like: do you think that girl or that girl is hot and of course I lied, because I wasn't really interested in girls. And...actually, for a good moment I wasn't really interested in boys either. That's why I thought that I was asexual. The thought of being asexual really reassured me because it would answer all my questions. But then again, I wasn't satisfied, I knew that asexuality wouldn't be the right label for me.
I discovered pornography at a very young age and started to appreciate looking at men more than looking at women. Actually, gay pornography was my thing. When I was 14, I started to chat with men on chatrooms, and one day I tried to masturbate in front of my webcam while the other guy was also doing it. I didn't show my face and the guy was aware that I was under 18. I did that for maybe 1 month and then I met a guy, I think he was like 24 and he became some kind of a lover. He wanted to talk to me on the phone but I refused. We chatted, I showed him my face and he did the same. I really trusted the guy. How foolish was I. One day, he started to get mad and he told me he would send pictures of me naked to my parents telling them what I did and I was terrified. Everyday, I was scared that it would come up in the mail. The fear lasted maybe 2 months. At the time, I completely stopped doing cybersex. I think that episode traumatized me a bit because I didn't know what I was doing, I did something wrong and I was so ashamed of myself and scared. I never ever said that to anyone. I just tried to forget it.
It's really around 16-17 that I can say that I started to really be attracted to boys, like real boys, from school, or in the street. Before that, I found some male celebrities beautiful, but that was it, or it was gay porn. I still had the hope that I was only a phase and that I would, one day, be attracted to girls and that would be it. I repressed the idea of being homosexual. Big time. That made any kind of romantic relationship impossible. I even tried to have a girlfriend but I didn't work, because I wasn't attracted to her. It ended up with her calling me a faggot. At the same time, my brother came out. Yes I have a gay brother. He's 7 older than me and I never had a brother-brother relationship with him. I never talked to him about my problems or how I feeling because I don't feel close to him. My mother once asked me if I was gay, not long after my brother came out, and of course I said no. I wished I said something else...
Around 18, I started to realize that I could be in a relationship, and that maybe...that's something I could desire. Being in love became something that I considered. But still...I said to myself that maybe I was attracted to men...but I was, for the most part, straight. Years passed...and I realized that being in a relationship with a man was what I wanted. I belonged in a gay relationship. But still today it's hard for me to say that I'm gay.
No one knows that I'm gay. Except for 5 people. 4 of them are girls from work. It was easy to tell them, I don't know why, that was a few months ago. The other one is a friend that I made when I was 19. She's a lesbian (but it took time for her to realize that she was not only bisexual) and it took a long time for me to tell her. Actually. It's after I told the other 4 girls that I decided to tell her. Like if coming out to people gave me energy to it again. And I really think it did, because I wanted to tell an old friend of mine...but I decided not to do it.

So where am I right now? I'm almost 22. Still a virgin, never kissed anyone, never been intimate in any way with anyone. I'm still very shy. I became very solitary. I don't go out in bars. My parents, friends (still all girls), don't know anything. I guess(I hope) they suspect something. But my mother not long ago said, about one particular girl, that she seemed like the girl that would be my type. I said that I didn't know. Some of my friends are still convinced that I'm straight and ask me if that girl is hot or what I would do if my girlfriend would do this or that. What surprises me is that they know that I like Celine Dion and that I watch America's Next Top Model religiously. They still think I'm straight.
I have to say that I'm not the typical gay. Yes, I like camp stuff and I think I'm a bit effeminate but not enough to...let my gayness shine through, if you know what I mean.

I feel like what I need is to change my environement, go away in another city. Build new relationships. What makes me say that is the fact that I don't feel close to my friends anymore. It seems like the relationship that I have with them is going nowhere. But the idea of going somewhere else scares me a bit. I was recently diagnosed with Crohn's disease and a severe case of IBS(google that if you don't know what it is). The little social life that I had became non-existant. It's hard for me to just do stuff and plan to go out because I don't know how I will feel. Sometime I am bedridden all day long. My life was already complicated and it is now extremely complicated and sometimes hard to bear. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be in love, never going to be loved. And I dream about it. I dream about have someone to care about and someone that cares about me. I want to be hugged by my lover. I could go on for days talking about what I dream of. When I become lost in my thoughts, it sometimes upsets me and I try to forget about it. Until it comes back...

So that's me. Thank you for reading what I had to say. It might be long, but I said what I had to say, I think. (*hug*)