Hi to everyone here at EC forums! I am a simple 19 year old guy still in the stage of accepting my real orientation. I was born in New York but moved to the Philippines for high school and onwards. I am currently in college. I have been struggling and denying my true self for all these years. I am absolutely in the closet as in no one knows that I am gay. Somehow I've come to realize that not accepting myself is subconsciously killing me. Up to this point I can't really grasp the entirety of reality. I still talk about girls when I'm with my friends. Honestly speaking, I have no plans whatsoever to come out to anyone. The 1st ever person I told I was gay to was a fellow gay person on a gaming forum. I had a really rough time growing up although none of it was really "gay-related". My dad had a hot temper and did not impart any love towards me and my brothers. He was a workaholic and because of his hot temper we were sort of child abuse victims. I recall having hot soup spilled on me when I was around 4 and being hit by a plastic chair, getting beat up by a slipper after just telling my dad my little brother probably needed more milk, having a mug with pineapple juice thrown at me, and plenty more. From my past memories I can recall that I did have girl crushes but at the same time I was also teased that I was gay. For some reason I acted like a girl even though I didn't purposely attempt to. I also had female role models instead of males. Being teased and having a lack of male friends made me into sort of a man-hater. I am honestly a very messed up person. It's not only about being gay but failing to establish close connections with people. I was raised without feeling loved or appreciated and at the same time I was just being spanked. I came to the Philippines for 1st year high school and everyone hated me. There was just something wrong with me. I kept hitting other guy classmates when they made me angry and I had only 3 real friends. I kept crying everytime. The experiences I had back in America just stayed inside me. I was the weirdest kid in that school. Not to mention I was living with my aunt who didn't really understand me. It was still as if I was chained to a truck that wouldn't stop moving. Everything became clear to me as I was in college and I heard some religious speakers tell why some people are the way they are. Repeatedly being spanked hinders children to love others. Somehow the natural instinct of being friendly just turns to being anti-social. I remember around 4 months ago I told my about my life experiences. I hadn't cried after 6 years probably because I matured. But as I was sharing about my life, my face suddenly got watery and I was crying so hard. It was even during a lecture. Thankfully I was in the back and no one saw me except my friends who I was talking with. I did not mention I was gay though just that I had a rough time growing up. It was such a funny scene xD As I was talking, I realized I was digging through all the rubble and digging out all the glass shards that were stuck inside me. I've come to realize that something I really lacked in my life was understanding people. I've always needed people to understand me and be bestfriends with me. I do have some close friends now though. I wanna join this forum because I wanna change. I wanna be happy in life and I wanna make friendships on this forum with other people that will last me a lifetime and maybe forever. Thanks for reading.
Heyo, welcome to EC! I'm sure you'll find many people here who have similar stories to yours. I hopes you can find what you're looking for here!
Welcome to EC! Sounds like you had a pretty tough past, but it can only get better from here on. Glad you are joining us
Welcome to Empty closets! I am sure you will find people here who have very similar stories. On many aspects you and I are similar. On the other hand My best friend came from the Philipeans in 7th grade. When I came out to her she was accepting because she said where she was from it is common to be LGBT. My point is not only here on EC are there accepting people but where you reside there are people too. Its okay if you plan to stay in the closet. If you look under my avatar, I am still closeted. Slowly, I will come out. EC is awesome in my opinion for many reasons. LIKE being able to PM the moderators/ advisers/ experts at anytime and getting a speedy reply. They are helpful! And for this right here (!) (!!) (!)
Hi again everyone and thanks for the welcomes. Honestly speaking, having been a lone wolf for quite some time back then, I become glad when people do greet me. @lulu165 I am most certainly looking forward to know how your coming out will be. I hope I get the courage to find a point to start. I most especially would like to bond with you and with other people on this forum as well.
Hi and welcome. (*hug*) I've certainly been through that too; always feeling like there's something pulling me back from people, basically like I just can't connect with them fully. I've also felt like everyone looks at me funny or treats me differently, like I'm just not one of them. It's good to hear that you've had your chance to face your past and open up to people :eusa_clap, I assume that things have gone nowhere but up from there. It just feels so liberating to take that first step, doesn't it? It's like you're floating. Best of luck to keeping up your progress, you're moving in the right direction. ---------- Post added 14th Jun 2011 at 08:33 PM ---------- Hi and welcome. (*hug*) I've certainly been through that too; always feeling like there's something pulling me back from people, basically like I just can't connect with them fully. I've also felt like everyone looks at me funny or treats me differently, like I'm just not one of them. It's good to hear that you've had your chance to face your past and open up to people :eusa_clap, I assume that things have gone nowhere but up from there. It just feels so liberating to take that first step, doesn't it? It's like you're floating. Best of luck to keeping up your progress, you're moving in the right direction. Also, I can you that you're clearly a fan of Pokémon. Awesome! XD
Hi BluefoxfireS8!!! I'm actually living in Manila, Philippines too. I'm currently studying at UST. It's nice to know that there's someone here in this forum that's from where I am. I'm also thankful that I've been improving myself when I'm with other people and that I am gaining friends now. I'm sort of trying to grow up again I guess. Thanks for the encouragement BluefirefoxS8!!
