My welcome thread

I am 17 years old, and i haven't came out to my parents that i'm a lesbian yet. well, half of my parents, i have three moms, my mom and her partner know. But my dad and my step mom don't know. They did, but they used to get really mad at me for it, so i told them that i had "come to my senses and decided to be straight" But i don't want it to seem like i lie to my parents because i don't, except when it comes to my sexuality. My mom is like my best friend, i tell her practically everything, i even had a very uncomfortable awkward conversation about my sex life with her hahaha that won't be happening again. ever. But, i guess i'm joining this site because i just got my heart broken by yet another girl i fell in love with and i'm pretty confused with the situation right now. But you can either stop listening to me ramble now or you can continue to read my sob story of utter confusion.

Sob story of utter confusion:
I started "experimenting" with girls around age 11, got my first girlfriend which lasted a few weeks when i was 12, from there i was single for a while, had totally convinced myself that if she didn't stay with me then i would be destined to be alone for the rest of my life. it's okay though, i got a boyfriend for 5 days when i was 14, literally 5 days, he just wanted to date me because he wanted to watch a lesbian have sex and wanted to be part of it. ew. got a long distance girlfriend age 15 was with her for a month and then found another long distance girlfriend and liked her more so i was a total douche bag and broke up with the first girl to be with her, i was with her for 8 months, she lived on the other side of the country and i met her once, i thought she was the greatest person in the world, but i was "blinded by love" because i didn't see how terribly she had been treating me. She decided what i was allowed to wear and when i was allowed to wear it, what music i was allowed to listen and i wasn't even allowed to go to dinner with my family. but even still she was wonderful and perfect and blah. whatever. She cheated on me and then left me. THEN 5 months, jeeze i guess it's nearly 6 months ago now, December 25, Christmas morning I asked out a girl in my art class, sooooooo cute, and i couldn't believe she said yes, was the most perfect Christmas present in the world, okay i'll spare you my extraneous gaggy details, anyway we dated for 5 months and 2 days, she broke up with me through text message saying that she was sorry and she didn't want to hurt me and she wanted me to be happy but she couldn't continue our relationship. I think i was more devastated with this break up than i was with with the 8 month girl.

But the confusing part is that this 5 month girl, i like her a lot, i really like her, i would do anything to make sure she's happy all the time. We had planned to go somewhere this summer together and i thought my mom's house would be the perfect place, she was here for a week but of course she left me a couple weeks ago, but we had sex and we were cuddling the next morning, and i laid my head on her lap and trembling i said "would it be terrible to say that i missed you" and then started crying and she said calmly no i miss you too and began playing with my hair i ran from the room and kept crying for the next 10 or so minutes, i come back in the room to find her on the edge of the bed squeezing the life out of a pillow crying her eyes out. I had never seen her cry before, i held her and told her everything was gonna be okay and blah i said i'd save you from my awful cliche cheesy moments, so, we decided to be in an open-nonexclusive relationship, but, i just feel like we're fuck buddies now, i feel used, i really like her, i wanna be her only girl, and she's my only girl, but i really don't know how to express that to her, especially because her reason for leaving me is that she feels trapped with the term "relationship" So, i don't know what to do.

AND to top it all off, i hate myself for being gay, i've tried really hard to find guys attractive and to tell myself that i should date a guy, but i can't and i see a girl, and i stare into her eyes and watch her smile and the sound of her voice makes me smile, so, i need some help here guys, any advice would be great, and feel free to tell me that i'm a hopeless romantic, i know i am haha

thanks guys
<3

 

Okay, i totally talked too much for a welcome thread, sorry, i was feeling really loquacious. I'll retry in a reply?
Hi, I'm new here, my name is Kat, I'm 17 and i just want a place where i can talk and fit in so i found here, i hope i can make some friends~

 

Thanks babes I've spent some time reading over other welcome threads and was a bit concerned that mine was at least a full mile compared to everyone else haha
I think i'll like it here though, you all seem really sweet, thank you for being the first one to welcome me ^_^

 

thanks Dustyn ^_^
you guys all seem so welcoming