glad to B here

[banjogirl]

I am glad to find this board...I guess I'm ,"in the closet with the door open."My sister&I knew I was lesbian,she helped me with "covering"when we were kids.In high school,in 1970's with enough Columbian&beer,I could fake it.Some people have figured me out at times-I've never known how.I tried to discuss this with parents several times.They brushed me off with,"It's a phase,"and,"Your grandmother will be so disappointed,"etc.Tried getting married-not a good choice.Now,for 7 years have solid job,play music at several open mics.Play music in 3 bands and did 3 stage shows in orchestra pit.Met great guy along the way,we hooked up,moved in together due to finances&his father being a jerk.Current problem is...I am not actually straight,so conjuring up sexual desire is...challenging.I really hate myself sometimes,feel like I'm leading him on...think to myself that other women would kill to have b-friend like him so why can't I just be happy with what I have???? Thanks for listening.....

[Daryn]

First of all, welcome Now, I have to say, please try not to beat yourself up. In the ninth grade, there was this guy that liked me, and I sort-of played along with it. I never dated him or anything like that, but I did lead him on. I didn't feel the same way about him as he felt about me, and I didn't know why. He was cute, played guitar, and was generally liked by everyone. Eventually, he realized nothing was going to happen and we fell out of touch, and I felt terrible. It's not the same situation as the one you're in, but I think I understand how you feel. I think a lot of people who don't accept themselves or don't feel accepted by loved ones try to create a person and a life that isn't real or happy. You've found yourself in a situation that you know isn't working as well as it seems to be. The most important thing you can do is find your happiness- how you do that is up to you. You might have to do some difficult things, but trust me, it will be better in the long run if you start making decisions that feel right for you.

[silverhalo]

Hey welcome to EC. Try not to be too hard on yourself its easy to get swept away with things especially when you have everything you think you should want. The most important thing is it doesnt matter how many or how few people would want to have what you have, its not what you want. Just because it might be someones dream to jump out of a plane, doesnt mean that it is mine.

I guess by the fact you have registered and posted on the forum that deep down you are thinking it is about time to come clean and be honest at least with the guy you are living with.

There are plenty of people here at EC who are in the same situation or have been in the same situation so you will get plenty of help and advice.

[Ethan]

Heyo, welcome to EC!

[dl72]

Welcome.

[TheEdend]

think to myself that other women would kill to have b-friend like him so why can't I just be happy with what I have????

Doesn't mean you are defective, just means that guys are not for you

Like many have already said, don't beat yourself up for it. Ya, its definitely tough and it can feel like hell sometimes, but its not the end of the road just yet and you can make everything right if you want to. You already took the first step, so stick around, ask some questions, meet people and hopefully we can help make everything look as complicated.

Welcome to EC!

Hay There! && Welcome(: